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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to help kids find their own interests?

12 replies

BistroCafe · 24/11/2020 16:48

I’m wondering (so many years down the road, the kids are in their 20s and well on their way!) but how to guide children to follow their interests? I put what I thought was a lot of energy into ‘enriching’ and ‘broadening’ and ‘developing’ my children’s experience (according to my very own extremely limited definitions of what enriching, broadening and developing meant). Clearly I wasn’t all-encompassing, because I had my own ideas about what were worthwhile activities, but I’m not going to spend too much time beating myself up about that, That said, I’m beginning to think that maybe the reasonable approach is to kind of leave them be until around 9-10, expose them to stuff in a low-key way, but above all keep a regular routine. Afterwards - still keeping the safe routine - be prepared and open-minded in whatever you help them encounter (for example, you might think X kind of music is crap, but let them listen to it if they want to, and even guide them to it!).

I guess I’m coming at this from at least two experiences outside my own with my children: one, listening to a mother of a three-year-old BEG an architect to divulge all the experiences/lessons/toys/etc that her child should have (be subjected to) in order to become an architect. Two, having been exposed myself to music from a relative that really shaped me, that he himself didn’t even rate - just a passing interest - but turned out to be quite important to me. All that to say, I think our kids are what they are - their interests will be what they will be - our only responsibility is giving them a safe framework and showing them what’s out there. Am I being unreasonable?

I ask this knowing full well that I’m not unreasonable, not really, but interested to know how others feel about this. What’s the line between ‘broadening horizons’, ‘teaching helpful discipline in an area that may or may not interest the DC, doesn’t matter’ and ‘let them find their own path, with or without you.’?

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ScrapThatThen · 24/11/2020 16:53

Teach them to try things and to persist with at least some activities through the tricky stage where it's hard but not yet fulfilling.
Notice what excites them, I agree even if you don't massively approve.
Don't put them in boxes - eg just because one sibling excels at sports, don't think of the others as 'not sporty' or arty or academic. Encourage them to enjoy these in their own way.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 24/11/2020 17:00

Ensure they are exposed to many different things and activities.
Do not limit them unless actually dangerous.
Instil an "at least give it a go" attitude.
Accept lack of interest or rejection to your own interests or what you deem "worthy.
Take some interest yourself in whatever interests them.
Remember that it's for them not for you.

DD was good at two things she's quit for her own reasons. Making her continue wouldn't have been in her own best interests,so who would I be doing for?

haircutsRus · 24/11/2020 17:09

I suppose in one way they wouldn't even get to know about some activities if they weren't given the opportunity to have a go.

Perhaps the key is to let them have a go and see if they like it. If not, it doesn't matter and if they are keen, then they can decide to carry on if they want to.

DH is a professional musician and guitar teacher, and I played the piano a lot as a child. Did our DD show the slightest interest in or aptitude for playing an instrument? Nope. Likewise my keen interest and love of gardening and natural history has passed her by completely. She wasn't bothered.

She was a right live wire as a tot, and a friend suggested taking her to ballet class in the village hall after pre-school to tire her out a bit. My mum took me when I was a child and I loathed it, so it wouldn't have occurred to me to take DD. If my friend hadn't suggested it, then we may never have discovered that ballet would turn out to be her thing in a very big way indeed.

BistroCafe · 24/11/2020 18:16

@haircutsRus this really resonates. It's all about putting ourselves aside, isn't it? You really do have to look at your child as a blank slate, and be very attuned to even the slightest inklings of interest they display. Which also means exposing them to those inklings, without overwhelming them. A tricky balance.

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BistroCafe · 24/11/2020 18:20

That said, DD now resents that I let her give up a couple of activities - but if only she had lived through the resistance she put up from my end! But in a way I get it; weirdly she resents me not imposing discipline - and I resent my own parents for the same thing (I mean, I try no longer to resent, it's 45 years down the road and water long under the bridge!)

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BistroCafe · 24/11/2020 18:22

And I think 'imposing' is even the wrong word - 'creating the conditions for' discipline, though that probably looks a lot like imposing if you're a 10-year-old on the wrong end of a piano lesson.

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ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 24/11/2020 18:28

@BistroCafe

That said, DD now resents that I let her give up a couple of activities - but if only she had lived through the resistance she put up from my end! But in a way I get it; weirdly she resents me not imposing discipline - and I resent my own parents for the same thing (I mean, I try no longer to resent, it's 45 years down the road and water long under the bridge!)
You both need to get over it. You made choices.

It's always easier to wonder about the "what ifs" and dream of missed opportunities, especially if you can blame someone else for it.

Yes, you might've been the next Nadia Comaneci. Just as likely,you could've burnt out, got injured,got nowhere or worse resented your parents for pushing you to do something you really,really didn't want to anymore.

Thinking realistically,very few people end up being "the one", even when they do stick at it and pour their blood,sweat and tears into it.

reefedsail · 24/11/2020 18:33

if you're a 10-year-old on the wrong end of a piano lesson

That really made me smile. Grin

I had to force my then 7yo DS to finish the first 10 lessons of the sport he does. He was counting the lessons down so he could stop, but I was pretty sure if he just went enough times to get beyond the mortal fear, he would enjoy it. Lo and behold, after the 10th lesson he said 'maybe I will come again mummy...' Now he is on a regional and a national squad.

BistroCafe · 24/11/2020 18:53

ComeOnBaby, really, I think I am mostly over it. And the funny thing is, some of the things I just imposed without thinking - because I wanted to do them, because that was how we were going to spend our time as a family - have of course stuck (hiking, anyone? What, really, all of you?) And I agree with you, there's no point in dwelling on what might have been because it just as likely might not have been.

reefedsail maybe that's the trick - try this just this far, and then you get to judge it. Good for your son!

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ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 24/11/2020 18:56

@BistroCafe

ComeOnBaby, really, I think I am mostly over it. And the funny thing is, some of the things I just imposed without thinking - because I wanted to do them, because that was how we were going to spend our time as a family - have of course stuck (hiking, anyone? What, really, all of you?) And I agree with you, there's no point in dwelling on what might have been because it just as likely might not have been.

reefedsail maybe that's the trick - try this just this far, and then you get to judge it. Good for your son!

I do apologise though, as i realise I sounded quite bitchy and snarky.
haircutsRus · 24/11/2020 19:29

I did all the things that my mum wanted to do when she was a child, but couldn't because they couldn't afford it. So I had piano and ballet lessons and went to Brownies and then Guides. Did I want to do any of those things? No. But apparently I should have been grateful, and think about how lucky I was, and DM's favourite phrase was "I only want what's best for you". I was desperate to have riding lessons but I wasn't allowed.

I always vowed to myself that I would never make my children do an activity because I wanted them to do it.

BistroCafe · 24/11/2020 19:30

Not at all! refreshingly realistic

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