Is Christmas just more hassle than it's worth?

[eenymeenyminyme]

I posted last week saying I was annoyed that I'm going to have to end up spending Christmas day with the ExH to keep recently bereaved ExMIL happy.
I'd just got used to the idea but now ExH is saying he's not sure whether he's going to go to ExMIL's or not. So she's got annoyed and said she might just go to her brother's for the day, which will leave me & DD with nowhere to go!
So, we're waiting for his highness ExH to make up his mind what he wants to do, then ExMIL to decide what she wants to do, then we can decide what we want to do!
We'll have a great day even if it just the two of us but I hate having to wait for everyone else to make their plans and being last in line as usual. There's no way I'll let ExMIL be on her own though so I'll have to wait for her to let us know...

So while everyone else is waiting to see whether they can plan their big family Christmases, it might just be me & DD like it has been for the rest of lockdown! Good job we get on so well really!

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and angry with ExH (who has had DD to stay ONCE since March!!) and needed to vent... AIBU to be stressing so much about this? Not sure how to stop though...

Surely exmil is exh problem not yours
Make your own plans

This is nonsense. She's not your mother she's HIS mother.
Surely the beauty of an ex is that they are EX?
Plan your own Xmas and stop putting yourself last after people you are no longer beholden to.

PS Merry Xmas 😉🤣 🎄

Don't wait for them. Make your own plans. You aren't in this relationship anymore and you shouldn't be beholden to your ex. Otherwise, what is the point of him being an ex?

So take some control, plan a Christmas with just you and your DD and if exMIL is going to end up on her own tell her she can join you? What's the big deal?

I think that everyone is waiting to hear what the restrictions are going to be before making a final decision about what to do at Christmas.

Could it be that exMIL is just waiting for the announcement too? Maybe she'll make her final decision when Boris finally announces the plan.

I remember your post, so thoughtful and now they are messing you about. I'd be annoyed!

@Topseyt

Don't wait for them. Make your own plans. You aren't in this relationship anymore and you shouldn't be beholden to your ex. Otherwise, what is the point of him being an ex?

It's something I really struggle with, putting myself ahead of other people... it didn't even occur to me to ask myself what I want to do!

You dont HAVE to wait for everyone else, your choosing to. You put yourself last in line.

Take charge. Tell your ExH and MIL that you want a decision by X date otherwise your making your own plans.

Do what YOU want to do. Life is too short
I'll be alone floating in a carb and cheese coma gently dozing and watching Netflix

@Poptart4

You dont HAVE to wait for everyone else, your choosing to. You put yourself last in line.

Take charge. Tell your ExH and MIL that you want a decision by X date otherwise your making your own plans.

This is a HUGE step for me, thinking that I could do what I want to do rather than putting everyone else first!

I'll see what Boris says on Thursday then tell them both that I need to know by next week or I'll just plan something for me & DD - the idea of doing this is making me feel very anxious though...

Next year's resolution has to be to be more assertive doesn't it?!!

How recently was this split ?

And where is yoyr family in all of this ?

bigchris

We split 5 years ago but the bereavement was recent and I've been supporting ExMIL since as her son hasn't stepped up to the job and she's always been good to me.

My parents have both passed away and my siblings live in other countries.

Not sure you need to wait for Boris!
Have you asked your daughter what she wants?

@eenymeenyminyme

bigchris

We split 5 years ago but the bereavement was recent and I've been supporting ExMIL since as her son hasn't stepped up to the job and she's always been good to me.

My parents have both passed away and my siblings live in other countries.

I think that’s a kind thing to do, my ex is a bit shit. so I’ll be taking my children to see exmil. She’s alright, it’s important for the children. But ex isn’t involved with the arrangements. I sort it out with her.

If you want to support her and visit her, take the bull by the horns, contact her, give her a date you need to know by and stick to it.

Your ex-mil isn’t your responsibility to keep happy! If you want to spend Christmas with her that’s fine, but otherwise just do what you and DD want to do and let ExH worry about his mother!

As already said by pps; what do you and dd want to do? Don't worry too much about mil and don't worry about ex. Make your own plans. I'm sure it will be lovely just the two of you, if that's what you decide .

I don;t understand this post OP. You sound so lovely and a way better woman than I could ever be dealing with this. I would suggest asking once more what the plan is.If you get umming and ahhring then forget it and make your own plans....I couldnot deal with this at all. I would be glad to see the back of my ex and be able to muster up enouhg respect just to deal with co parenting our child but after that I would be finding my own way and forging ahead on my own path.I couldnt be intertwined in their lives anymore than that. I admire that you can though.

Your priority is DD and yourself, decide what the two of you would like to do and give exMIL (who isn't your problem in the first place) a date/time that you're available.

I.e. Xmas day we're doing our own thing/booked somewhere for lunch for Xmas day but we'd love to see you on boxing Day when we're free. Let us know.

Your decision made and it's up to them to pull their fingers out and make it happen. You're teaching your daughter to put everyone else above herself!

Why don't you just invite ex-MIL to join you and your DD?

Do what YOU want to do. Life is too short
I'll be alone floating in a carb and cheese coma gently dozing and watching Netflix grin

I think I'm gonna follow your plan - I'm staying home alone, can't be bothered to travel anywhere.

Have you asked your daughter what she wants?
Just asked her - she wants dinner at Grandma's with lots of people there. I already know that Grandma doesn't want the stress of cooking for lots of people, although I've already offered to do it / help her.

I'll be alone floating in a carb and cheese coma gently dozing and watching Netflix grin
This is sounding more tempting by the minute... I usually do this when ExH has DD and it's lush

Don’t be rediculous
Plan your day as you wish
She’s his bloody mother ,not yours
If she’s free you can ask her to join u
You are not responsible for her

Agree I'm not responsible for ExMIL but as DD wants to be with her and me I've got to wait to find out what's happening...

Wish I could just spend it on my own in a wine & cheese haze but ExH won't tell DD what his plans are & if he's not going to do something with DD then my plans will obviously have to involve her. I'm not complaining about spending the day with DD, I just need to know what's going on!

Fuck this, I need a drink

So it's all sorted itself out - ExH kicked off & said he didn't want me there so ExMIL decided she (understandably) didn't want the hassle so is going to her brother's!
So DD is staying at her dad's Christmas Eve & spending the rest of the day with me, which I'm very happy about