AIBU to contact my bio mum again

[MariaJulia]

New poster. My paternal family , husband all think I should stop it , but I would like some outsiders' point of view.

My mother is Asian and my dad African. She got pregnant with my older brother by my father when she was 19. Her family is very conservative , racist and wanted her to marry an Asian man. Well , 3 years later she got pregnant again by my father even though officially she was not supposed to be with him. Her family decided that they'd " let her" marry my father. They did , but my parents left me with my paternal family ans took my brother with them.

They had 3 more sons and I was raised by my paternal grandma and aunts. They never hid the truth from me , and my parents never tried to contact me.

My aunt kept all the letters she sent to my dad , all the emails asking them to visit me. I know where they live , one of my aunt is still in contact with my father.

I phoned them , my mother said she wanted nothing to do with me. I sent an email , she sent an email back telling me I was the biggest mistake of her life ( KEEP IN MIND SHE HAD A BABY BEFORE ME)

I added my brothers on fb , only one of them agreed to meet me. He took me to visit my father , and that said father told he'd be the first and last time he'd see me because he doesn't betray his wife. But we talk on the phone , videocall. Everytime I try to ask me why his wife won't meet me he goes " you've done nothing wrong , it's too complicated with her family".

I mean it's not like she "started her life again" she married the man who got her pregnant and had more children.

That was 10 months ago. I feel like contacting her again. Should I just let go ? I don't even want a relationship with her , I had a great childhood , my paternal family is great. Lots of aunts , cousins. But I'd love to know why she hates me. Aibu ?

Its clearly not your fault. Seems like it's purely because you're female. I dont think theres anything you can gain from contacting her again. She wont give you the answers you want. You're only hurting yourself.

I don't want to read and run. I can't comment because I've never been in your situation. Good luck with your decision.

Are you sure that you share a Father with your brothers? Are you sure your paternal family are in fact your biological family?

From your post all I can fathom is that it’s to do with you being female or perhaps your Mother knows her husband didn’t Father you?

I’m sorry it sounds like a hard situation. You are perfectly reasonable to want answers but it reads to me like whatever you get from this woman will cause you heartache - either because of the answers she does give, or from what she refuses to share.

She doesn't hate 'you'. She doesn't know 'you'

She hates something around how you came into existence / the events of the time.

I'd let it rest, and maybe get some counselling to help you come to terms with it all a bit better.

I wouldn't bother. She's made her position perfectly clear.

It's not your fault. Forget her. Your family are the people who love you.

That sounds so hurtful. Obviously rationally you know the problem lies with your mother and her beliefs, values and level of emotional maturity. She simply does not have the emotional maturity to face up to the fact that she abandoned you so it is easier for her to lay the blame at your feet somehow. It is an extremely dysfunctional defense mechanism. That is all well and good for you to know and understand that at a rational level but dealing with the emotional fallout for you of having grieve for a mother who has rejected and abandoned you is sadly what you have been left to do. Really the only way to do that is grieve and focus on the positive relationships and experiences that are in your own life. It is a process but I think contacting your mother again will only hamper your efforts to get through that grief that she will inevitably bring because she will never be able to be the mother you deserved.