Anxious about Christmas.

[Star4120]

I know for many people the talks of listing restrictions is probably a relief but for me I was looking forward to doing our own thing at Christmas as we spend a lot of time visiting both my family and in laws. I was very much looking forward to a different Christmas at home (no one is lonely and have busy households anyway)! We live 15 miles away.

But now the news that we may be able to mix at Christmas has ruined my plans of a Christmas at home with hubby and dc. Aibu to just say we spend it at home anyway??

Neither my family or in laws take covid seriously. They mix with a lot of people, very very sociable, haven’t been sticking to lockdown rules etc, parties, gatherings etc (I’m talking about the
Grown up children that live at home not my actual mil). In laws always have someone over there staying form another part of the country. This is their choice but I feel they should be more careful as in laws have a vulnerable person in the house - he takes it seriously, the rest do not. I feel like he is at risk but that’s not my place to say. My family mix with lots of people too. This is their choice but surely it’s my choice to keep distance?

I don’t really want people here in my house because of covid. Sounds bad but I suffer from anxiety and ocd and I’ve not really had anyone in the house. DS is somewhat vulnerable to the virus also. But I don’t think that I want to go there either as they have allsorts if people in the house from other areas. What the hell am I gonna do?

Also excluding lockdown I try and visit my grandma often. She was widowed earlier in the year. She has my uncles family as her support bubble but before lockdown I would visit. I had literally cut down my social contact to zero, get everything delivered, I’m not working, other half is still at work but in a low risk job. Dc go to school but no cases in the school (yet) so I can spend time with her just me and her. She gets lonely. I feel if I start mixing with people who’s had a lot of social contact I’m putting her at risk if I mix with other people who have had a lot of social contact. I would put visiting here before anyone else!

What the hell am I gonna do?

Does DH support your desire for a quiet Christmas with just the dc? If he does, just tell the family that’s what you are doing. Explain you planned it that way because of COVID and you are excited to continue with your plans.
If he doesn’t agree your job is much tougher, but perhaps you can negotiate to just visit the parents this year.
Good luck; I feel same as you but I have a lot of experience in disappointing my MIL.

I think you should stick to your guns, and say that you think it's better to postpone family meets until covid is under control. You understand why the government is allowing visits, because there are people who live on their own who would have a miserable time otherwise, but the more mixing, the worse January will be for everyone, and it's better for everyone if people only meet up if there's a real compelling need.

(I don't think it's double standards to visit your grandma, though - it sounds like there's much more need for her, and by avoiding everyone else you can visit her with minimal risk.)

I'm lucky: we're cautious, but so are our families, and we're just waiting it out.

I'd be happier if the guidance was more along the lines of "meet ups with family are not banned, but if you can manage without, do." Sure, if Auntie Maisie would be on her own otherwise, or it's likely to be Grandad's last Christmas, or someone's about to emigrate to Australia, go ahead and meet. Also if elderly relatives normally have daily carer visits, and you having them for Christmas will give the carers a break. But not if you could equally well meet up in May.

I'd speak with DH to get his stance on things but be honest and say you want Christmas at home this year.
You do not have to talk about the in laws mixing and your family, simply state that you feel more comfortable having Christmas at home this year.
Just because something is 'allowed' doesn't mean it's compulsory.
I have had a similar chat with dp and said I'm really not comfortable mixing this year.
Tell family you're keeping Christmas low-key and look forward to celebrating next year.

If your DP is in agreement over a quiet Christmas, I would be 'self isolating' as a family for 14 days over the key period.

Still don’t do it. The kids have been mixing at school so would be dangerous to have them round older relatives, I wish I could not have mil but she’s widowed and DH had no siblings do we have to but she’s out every day shopping, having tea etc and going to church so taking the risk of padding it to me and her son who has an autoimmune disease. Not that she’d understand it could kill him, she never asks and is only interested in herself, her wants, talking about herself and her friends who we don’t know....not told her she won’t be staying overnight yet!

We are still doing a quiet Christmas at home no matter what new 'rules' come in. The pandemic isn't taking a break and I would rather keep away from vulnerable relatives to give them the chance to still be there next year.

We are sticking with a quiet Christmas too. We are looking forward to it. I don’t understand that we can have this freedom all of a sudden and the bubble idea will just create more problems than anything for us.

Las year pre covid we put the brakes on and send that's it. we're at home as a family. Divorced parents both sides, siblings, too much travelling. Best Christmas ever. Don't blame covid just say you want Christmas on your own.

We are of doing exactly the same this year.

You are an adult. You are old enough and adult enough to have children.
You are therefore adult enough to say "We will do Christmas day at home, and come and visit you some other day later"

The only time you should consider others in this is if they were left alone. Then it's obviously bit different.

Thanks all. Partner wants a Christmas at home
more so than me so that is not an issue.

There you go then. Just stand your ground. Leave conversation if they get shitty.

I feel exactly the same. Just because we CAN do something doesn’t mean we SHOULD

@SchrodingersImmigrant thank you. Unfortunately our families are the easiest. Mil didn’t speak to us properly for weeks one year because we went to
My family for Christmas dinner (despite that we went there the previous year AND we were still visiting here the year we went to my mums just not dinner). Our families can be ‘toxic’ at times. I’m scared of what they will say. They usually girly trip. Neither my mum or mil are elderly or lonely!

But yeah I’m going to put my foot down and say Christmas at home 🥰

Aren’t the easiest *

Clearly I cannot spell today. ‘Guilt trip’ not girly trip!

Mil didn’t speak to us properly for weeks one year because we went to My family for Christmas dinner

Just piss her off and time it so it's just before Christmas so you have ni and quiet holidays 😂

Surely if she’s so unpleasant then not speaking to you would be a bonus??
We will be having a Christmas quietly at home. If anyone tried to talk me into anything differently then I would say no. If they get the huff that’s up to them.

I’m with you OP, I would prefer restrictions but I know many others don’t want that. (None of our family will be alone). I really don’t want visitors, my DH seems to be on the same page at the moment but he’s quite indecisive so may change his view. I get on with my IL’s they are good fun, but I’m not convinced they are taking covid seriously. I’m expecting FIL to take offence though if we don’t invite them.

You’ve got to do what’s best for you as a family. Be polite and nice about it and tell a white lie if you have to to avoid offence. I would get your DH to tell his family to avoid conflict with you.

You can’t control if your MIL gives you the silent treatment - that’s on her. Personally I do not have respect for anybody who does that.

Do what you really want to do this year. As you've said, no-one is lonely apart from your grandma. No point in increasing your anxiety.