Not sure I want to move anymore!

[foibles2011]

Posting here because I wasn't sure where else to put it!
For the last 15 years I have followed my husband everywhere with his job which has meant in that time 15 different houses/flats, two international moves and back again, and three different towns in the UK.
In that time for obvious reasons I've never been able to settle and make any long standing connections and have felt very lonely.
When we moved to our current town for his job (moved here straight from the middle east) I wanted to move back to where my family live (2hrs away) and him stay here for the week and come home for the weekends so that I could finally build myself a strong support system and feel "at home". But he said I was destroying his relationship with his children (we have 2) and that i was being unfair. So we moved here into a renovation project house which I hate (because we couldn't afford anything else) and have been doing it up for the last 3 years which has drained us even more financially and emotionally. Despite this, I have made a bit of a life for myself, I have some friendships which, while they aren't best friends they matter to me and my kids are extremely happy and settled in school. My husband hasn't at all, we haven't been out or done anything together at all in 3 years without the kids and he really doesn't make any effort to try. Our marriage is a mess and he has decided that the best thing is for us to move back to where my family are so that we have some support (although he's resentful that its not where his family is - long story) and the house is now on the market.
However the truth is I'm now torn - honestly I would love to be near my family again and their level of support is unquestionable but at the same time the thought of moving and starting over yet again and losing what I've tried so hard to build here terrifies me, nevermind moving the children again.
Aibu? Should I just go with this?
What would you do? Look to move town again or look for a new house with no stress where you are?
I really am just exhausted from it all to be honest - I just want an easy life, a happy home and people who care about me and to care about. X

There's a lot to unpick here!! It doesn't sound as though you're marriage is in good shape at all and I think that needs sorting out before you make any major decisions. Would counselling, either relationship or individually, help you both sort out what you want?

@MsVestibule no its not I suggested marriage counselling which he had agreed to but that seems to have fallen by the wayside and instead this is happening

I don't mean this to sound rude (unusual for MN 😀) but are you quite a passive person generally? You sound as though you just follow your DH around and go with whatever he decides without much input from you.

I really, really think you should have some counselling sessions by yourself. Can you afford them privately? Do you have access to your own/family money?

To me, it sounds like it's time for YOU to make a decision. Stop allowing him to dominate everything. Your kids matter too. Poor mites having to change friends all the time at school.

You need to sit down and discuss your marriage. Is it going to last? If not, I'd suggest moving near family and making that your last move.

If so, then I suggest thinking really hard about what you need. And most importantly what your kids need. If they've just started school I would go back to family personally. But if they're well established then I'd look to stay where you are.

Can couples counselling help? I wonder if you've both lost sight of the value of a community around you and stability. Without this, you'll always be searching for the next opportunity.

I'm not normally a passive person at least i wasn't i think I just learnt over time that there was no point fighting - it just lead to too much hurt on my part and didn't actually get me anywhere. I dont have access to my own money anymore so can't afford counselling - I have been on an NHS waiting list for 18 months but nothing yet. I do agree i dont want my children to be dragged around anymore - I don't want them to feel like I do which is another big part of why I'm torn - they are happy here - thank you for replying.

Your DH is being unreasonable.
He has called the shots for years. Fine if it pays the bills but he is not 'hearing' you.
No access to money - that's financial abuse
Calling you unfair - that's projection
Making all decisions unilaterally - that's controlling
Not prepared to give weight to your feelings - that's emotional abuse
Wouldn't move to your home town, now insisting on it - WTF!

@tobedtoMNandfart I dont think he's abusive just very stubborn and doesn't deal with stress well. He has decided he is not happy where we are now and as I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and he is stressed about 'ending up as my carer' he wants to be somewhere where I have people to help me so its not all on him and maybe I can go back to work (more childcare) so he's not stressed about being the main breadwinner.

I'd move back to your family support so that when you inevitably divorce you have good connections to get you through.

Well of course you don't think he's abusive. That was kind of my point. I am asking you to look at it with a fresh pair of eyes.
Your update is all about him. What about you??

How old are your dc?

Your update is chilling. Probably it would be better for you to move back nearer to your family. Just not with him.

I feel for your dc never being able to make proper long term friends.
A feeling of belonging and having roots is so important, even for children.

How old are the DC?

I actually moved to where my support was and actually in day to day life it hasn't been supportive.

If you are happy where you are stay!!

How many family members will there be if you move and will they support your children as well ?

When you say you don’t have access to your own money- is everything in a joint account? It sounds like it would be best to move near your family and then they can be close in case you do end up breaking up. I would advise you start trying to get access to your own money, overhaul your finances so he can’t just shut you off from the money if it does go tits up.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

I'm not sure I've read all posts properly as I'm just replying quickly but in response DC's are 9 and 5 and financially yes joint acct and I don't work (he wanted me home to renovate house), now with chronic illness I dont know how possible going back to work will be. Family wise my mum and sister both live in my home town x

He wanted me home

Sorry! When was the last time you both made a mutual decision together??

Sorry about your health 💐

I had a childhood where we moved around a lot and it wasn’t great being uprooted constantly.