To feel awkward about this type of date

[Dollypoppop]

Recently started getting to know someone after a ten year realtionship didn't last.

He's more blokeish than I'm used too. But he's also got this real nice gentleman side to him. He keeps asking me where I like to eat out and he asked me if I like steak today. But for some weird reason these questions make me feel so nervous. I've been a mum for years now that never got a break. But also I don't enjoy eating out if I'm honest. I happily do it with people I know. But date wise. I just don't feel comfortable with the idea of chomping through a steak and trying to get to know someone I've not even got comfortable with yet.

I'd much rather go do something fun or relaxed. Like a trip to the coast or a dog walk and a drink outside. Go see a film etc. But he seems to love meals more than anything. Also the steak place he asked me about today is where him and his ex are every week which feels a little strange.

Do you enjoy meal dates in the beginning?

It doesn't matter what anyone else enjoys, I love a meal and find dogs and walks distracting, whereas sitting over a meal means you can concentrate on the person you're with.

However, you're not comfortable so you should say so and suggest something else.

The fact he has chosen a restaurant he knows and likes is neither here nor there.

Personally, I do enjoy meal dates, even first dates but I'm not you!

If you're not comfortable with it and would prefer to do something else, then tell him. How he reacts to that will tell you a lot about what he's like as a person and a potential partner.

Do you mean he and his ex eat out every week? Why do they do that?

With regard to the rest, while it's early days be clear about the kind of dates you are happier with. Don't do stuff that makes you uncomfortable. But suggest things you would like to do so that he isn't floundering.

If he loves meals out, then hopefully you will be happy to that with him once you get to know him better.

Yeah I know lots of people enjoy it. But it just makes me feel a bag of nerves. All the eye contact. Trying to talk whilst chewing and trying not to get food down me. I'd much rather do those things with someone I know than a guy I'm still nervous around.

No idea they used to go to this particular chain every week.

I love meals out in general and yes loved them for dates. I dont drink much so wouldnt want to go for a drink and no food. Walks are lovely to though. Have you suggested a walk or something youd prefer?

Do you mean he and his ex eat out every week? Why do they do that?

I believe there's a typo/autocorrect and OP meant "ate". I don't think they still dine together every week.

Meant "ate" rather than "are" that should say.

Did you tell him you would rather do something else?

It’s all about personal preference of course but I like dinner dates. I think it can be quite intimate to have a meal together 1:1 and can give you a good feel for this person and whether or not you want to continue seeing them. Also most dinners out will be 1-2 hours long max rather than investing in an entire afternoon or evening. There’s a clear end when the bill comes if you aren’t keen and want to leave, but you can go onto a drink elsewhere if you want to continue.

Also helpful to see how they interact with servers, if they’re tight etc!

I'm jealous your in an area where you can eat out together.
I'm dating via dog-walks/walks and it's not the same as sitting opposite someone and talking which is much more intense/intimate/interesting.
I wouldn't go for a meal as a first date in case I don't like the guy, it's a long time & a waste of money/calories if you're not into them! X

A meal out would be my ideal date and I would assume that most people would feel the same so it really is up to you to tell him. He isn't a mind reader and probably thinks he's suggested a good date

When I was younger I found meals out rather nerve racking, always scared I'd get something caught between my teeth or have a choking fit or spill something so I understand your feelings. Decades later I'm much more relaxed but that's of no help to you now. Could you suggest something more relaxed like fish and chips? Personally steak is the last thing I'd eat.

Totally with you OP - possibly because I always spill food - drop food - shoot it off my plate - and it’s not usually seen as a good look so need to marry them before they are subject to that 🤔 . I’m a big fan of coffee dates though - in and out very fast if it’s dire, and a nice brief intro if it’s not.

I agree eating out is fraught with problems if you're with someone you don't know well; you have to try not to slurp/talk with your mouth full and generally dust off your table manners. Plus it can be excruciating if conversation flags and you're just staring across the table at each other.

Walks and day trips are great because you don't have to look at each other all the time and you can always comment on scenery/weather/other people/dogs. Films you can discuss afterwards.

Why don't you suggest you do something else and explain it with 'This is one of my favourite walks and I'd love to show it to you'?

It's not easy when you are first back on the 'scene' but you need to get used to a certain amount of awkwardness and also have the confidence to assert yourself and set your own boundaries/ideas/expectations on what you do and don't want to do while dating, even if these don't match with your date's. A meal out in a chain steak restaurant would be pretty standard first-date fare, it's not like he's suggested white water rafting or a swingers club or anything outlandish but if that's not what you'd like to do so, say so!

That said, I do see why it's given you the slight 'ick' even though rationally there's nothing wrong with it - personally I really like eating out in general but find steak places such a boring choice, over masculine and lacking in excitement so I wouldn't be immediately jumping at that suggestion, plus the fact that he used to eat their with his ex indicates one or all of (a) he's not totally over her (b) he's chronically lacking in imagination or (c) is a fussy eater and will only ever want to eat out at steak places or similarly bland food, any of the above would put me off a bit, not enough to dump him if I otherwise liked the guy but it would certainly remind me of my most dull ex. He also only ever ate out at the same (average, chain) steak place even though as above I don't like them, gave me the face if I suggested something as daring as pizza express or the local curry house as a change, and his hobby at the weekends was driving in his pride and joy car mid range Audi to big out of town shopping centres, Bluewater and the like, and looking in (but never buying things from) the designer stores. Nice guy, sweet enough in his way but not for me long-term. Maybe this guy is going the same way for you, maybe it's my personality type but when I was dating I rarely encountered the extremes of passionate attraction or hideous turn-offs, red flags etc that other people mention, more just a succession of quite nice but not really compatible? That's fine if so, it doesn't always have to be a big drama and it's rare you meet your perfect person first time of asking!

You are allowed to have your own preferences.
Will be interesting to hear how he reacts to you stating them
"Sorry, but could we just do a coffee for first meeting? I'll be a bundle of nerves otherwise and i will find it hard to relax and be myself over a meal..."
"No problem, lets do the meal another time..." - he's listening to you and happy to adjust.
"Oh come on, it will be fine, its a lovely place and look how easy we get on over chat" - not listening now, will he ever listen?