By avoiding my husbands SIL

3 replies

ims0rrydarlingg · 24/11/2020 12:00

Posting for traffic really.

Just a bit it background;

I’m Pakistani and had a small covid wedding a few months ago. I’ve moved to a new county, new city and have no friends or family here except my in-laws.

My husband and I moved into our own place and we have no mortgage and no children so just the two of us.

My husbands brother and his wife still live in the family home with the rest of the family. They’ve been married for a decade and have children too. Living in joint family set ups are common in our culture but definitely not for me!

Anyway, whenever I see my husbands SIL she always brings up wanting her own place and her own space etc which is fine but I’m beginning to sense some envy. She’s lovely and really kind to me but I’ve started to feel awkward even being with her alone now, as she will always bring up her desire to move out. I don’t encourage this conversation as I don’t want to instigate it or be the cause of any family feuds as the family were disapproving of me in the first instance!

I really wanted to make an effort with her and suggest outings once lockdown is over, as I have no friends here either and it would be nice to have some company.

Am I over thinking this? I sometimes feel guilty for having the ‘freedom’ to do what I want in my marriage, dress how I want, go wherever whenever I desire whereas she is confined to that family home and has to live according to their house rules.

I don’t even mentioned the progress of my decor or my delayed sofas incase I offend her.

How can I establish a good relationship with her away from the clear differences in our lifestyle and marriages?

OP posts:

SpaceOp · 24/11/2020 12:05

There may be a little jealously. But I'm guessing that if culturally living with family/in laws is normal, but you're not doing it, she's talking to you because she thinks you at least will understand. I'd put money on your BIL having zero desire to move out of his parents house as I imagine between his wife and mother, he has a pretty sweet deal. Plus he may feel cultural expectations to care for his older parents etc, even if that is not what his wife wants.

So personally, I WOULD be engaging with her. I'd be wondering if there was any way I can help. Why can't she ever live without her in laws? Is it because of money or is it because of cultural and familiar expectations? if the latter, is there any way I can help to influence things in the family?

If you are new to the family and have already managed to create an alternative way of life for yourself she may well be a bit envious but I bet she's also desperate to work out how she can do the same.

Original poster

ims0rrydarlingg · 24/11/2020 12:22

@SpaceOp

Well, from what I've seen the brother has it easy with the children by living with his family. There's always someone tending to them so he doesn't have to. He can get up and go out whenever he wants to. Also from a financial aspect it's easier living at home for him. He does contribute but it's no where near to as it would be if they had their own property.

There is 0 privacy there and they don't even have a Tv in their bedroom. Whenever I've gone over I've been bored just sitting there so I can only imagine how she feels.

There's also a lot of cultural norms included in this set up. They're not too fond of me because I don't go over everyday as they expected. My Husband and I live our own life but we do go to see them as they're only a few streets away.

Once my place is finally complete I do want to invite her over and spend time with her, just don't want anyone to accuse me of giving her ideas of how to be independent.

I don't think they will ever move out as the husband has always said no.

OP posts:

VetiverAndLavender · 24/11/2020 12:43

If they already think you're too independent, you're probably right to suspect that they might blame you if your SIL is inspired by you to want more freedom or privacy from her in-laws. Even if you don't see her in your home, she'll see you when you visit them. If they're going to blame you, they will.

You could try to avoid talking about the differences in your living arrangements... Downplay the positives of your situation, point out the positives of hers... But that can be awkward, especially when it's obvious you're clutching at straws to make an argument you don't truly believe.

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