Aibu to seek counselling for daughter?

[DavidNowie]

This is a bit outing so I’ve NC’d

My daughter (16) is a competitive gymnast, she’s high attaining, ranked in the UK etc.

She went back after lockdown pretty fired up and had worked hard at home during lockdown and kept her fitness and flexibility up
Really well.

However after this relatively short time back she’s saying she’s fallen out of love with it, she’s not enjoying the pressure and it feels like a job rather than a pleasure. She is considering quitting.

Let me make this VERY clear, whilst i love watching her compete I have never been a pushy mum. My only wishes for her are to be healthy fulfilled and happy.

However I’m worried, she has dedicated 25 hours a week to training for years, her best friends are within the sport and she doesn’t really socialise with people from school (although she does have school friends) her identity is so wrapped up in being a gymnast I’m worried her self esteem is affected also.

I am also worried she regrets her decision after a while. I gave up competitive sport at a similar age and didn’t regret it, but I hadn’t trained in such a consuming way and all my friends were outside the sport.

I was considering counselling to help her think through her options and transition out in a way that suits her, and is healthy, or even continue if that’s what she decides.

Appreciate any views and also if anyone has been in a similar position I’d love to hear how you dealt with it

I think talking through the options with someone is a good idea before she gives up on this huge part of her current life. It will just give her a bit of time to think about it. However if time in lockdown has made her totally reevaluate how she feels about gymnastics so be it.

It's a great idea - speaking to an impartial third party is always going to be helpful.

But you have to accept her decision afterwards, even though you will still have all the same concerns....

Thanks! Yes I guess I’m maybe worried about her leaving in case it makes her miserable but I have to remember staying when her hearts not in it would also make her miserable !

I'm sure if she does quit there will be moments when she regrets it. That doesn't necessarily mean that it is the wrong decision. It is also worth bearing in mind that there isnt a way of stopping now ir in the future which means she will get all the time she spent training back. That time is spent. The question is how does she want to spend her future time.

I think she would be well within her rights to say she wasn’t seeing a mental health professional because she wants to quit a hobby at 16. Even one where she has worked so hard. You can suggest it, but she may not react well.

Have to say that I agree with flaviaritt here. By suggesting she sees a counsellor you are telling her that this is a problem, not a normal decision that a large proportion of young people make at her age.

If you think about how very few people are actually able to make a career out of a competitive sport, the vast majority will have to face that decision at some point, and this (when she needs to start thinking about alternative careers, A-levels, university perhaps) is a very common one. My nephew gave up ice hockey at this age and as far as I know has never regretted it.

It is also a common age for finding new friends, you grow and change, being adaptable to that is also a skill.

The counsellor is unlikely to be an expert in this particular discussion, and they too will assume that if your dd is coming to see them, there is a deeper underlying MH problem here.

I am usually all in favour of seeking help, but for actual, genuine issues, in other words, for people being unable to handle their life, not for being a bit sad about difficult decisions.

Does she get on with her tutor at school? I'd say it would be more appropriate to have a chat with them.

Of course I wouldn’t force her :) she’s 16, And a very mature 16 year old so it’s not so much help with making the decision as I’m fairly sure she’s made it, it’s about mitigating band negative fallout of the huge life change

She doesn’t really, I mean there’s no bad feeling he just doesn’t have a lot of time for the kids (huge workload) so it’s not ideal

Personally I’d say fine, but keep back the offer of counselling in case there are negative consequences. There might not be.

Absolutely talk her through her options - I gave up athletics in my mid-teens when I was on the cusp of really going somewhere with it. Looking back I wish I'd stuck with it and wish my parents had cared either way. Sometimes I cry watching the athletics championships because I still have such an affinity with the sport.

It's not surprising she's rethinking things. She may have realised over lockdown that she enjoys having more time for other things, and that she'd like some non-gymnast friends. Over the next few years presumably she may be considering university/career, and may have to make a decision about the gymnastics anyway, and perhaps it's easier to step down at this point, and get some practise at making new friends before she leaves home.

It is a big decision, but it's not like she didn't go back at all - it sounds as if she thought she was going to be glad to get back to it. Having gone back, I'd say she's probably clearer about what she thinks than if she'd just drifted away over lockdown.

(I used to do clubs every lunchtime at school, and lots of stuff out of school. When I reached sixth-form, I made the discovery that it was possible to have an enjoyable lunchtime just chatting with friends. I think it's a good thing that I did learn that before going off to uni!)

I get the impression that (unfortunately) gymnastics is one of those all-or-nothing things. If there isn't the opportunity for her to carry on at a more relaxed level, is there a related discipline she'd like to try? Dance of some sort? Circus skills (if there's anywhere near you)? Diving?

I think it's great that you want to give her the space to make this decision properly. We had a similar issue (although nowhere near the same level) with my daughter and football. I'm not remotely pushy as a parent, but I wanted her to be certain before turning her back on a sport that she previously loved.

Maybe not counselling so much as someone like a professional coach (like a work or life coach) who can just chat through how she feels and help her arrive at a firm conclusion fully aware of the drawbacks and happy with them. The coaches I know are absolutely brilliant at getting you to think around things and help you shape the way forward...but are not invested in the outcome so act as excellent sounding boards who have the intelligence to help direct the conversation.