Is just me?

[Alwaystrying29]

My husband got diagnosed with cancer in January and it has been hard but we are getting through it. At the time I had many well wishes sent my way but nothing from my own brother. Not a call txt nothing. I’m not one for wanting help I very much deal with things alone, but I needed to know my family were there if that makes sense. It was a comfort seeing the words “if you need anything I’m here” it made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Since then I haven’t said more than a few words to my brother it hurt me so much that he didn’t contact me. He’s done a lot through the years stolen from us, been horrid to be honest but I’ve never not forgiven him. But this I can’t seem to get over. I’ve been with my husband since I was 14 (now37) so my brother grew up with him around (he’s 32) and for him to not bother at all and then he sent me nasty messages when our mum told him I wasn’t happy with him and had a go at me saying I was stupid. Now we are meant to have Christmas (COVID depending) and I’m being made out to be the bad guy because I don’t want to take my husband and children to a Christmas Day with him when the tension is awful and then him and he’s partner will drink and start something. We always spend it with my mum but if he’s there it won’t be fun and I don’t want it ruined for everyone. But he says it’s me ruining Christmas being stupid because my feelings got hurt. Needless to say my husband has never been a fan and has never understood why my brother gets to act and so what he wants with no repercussions. I didn’t think I’d have my husband here but he’s fighting and I want it to be a good day. I guess my question is - am I the bad guy? Is it me being stupid?

He’s done a lot through the years stolen from us, been horrid to be honest but I’ve never not forgiven him.

so he's never been the ideal brother you seem to wish for, why do you imagine he is going to change? What's he going to do, come round to offer practical help and steal stuff.
You're adults, focus on your new family, count on friends that you can rely on, rather than laying the ground for disappointment by loading all these hopes on your brother changing when there is little evidence to suggest he will.
Have a quiet Christmas with your husband if that's what you want - why worry about your brothers' feelings, when he seems to have such scant regard for yours.
Best wishes for your husbands recovery.

I think that COVID is your get out here - if your DH is having cancer treatment (or just finished it), then tell your family that he is shielding and you can’t go. Then enjoy a quiet Christmas at home.
I should say that I am having cancer treatment and have a sister (definitely not DSis) who can be a total nightmare and is the golden child so I would much rather avoid any place she might be. It is hard, but sometimes you just have to look at how a person really is and accept that they will never be who you want them to be and let go of the idealised image of what a sibling should be like because that person only exists in your mind.
Does your DH want to go to your parents or would he rather stay at home?

Urgh. Could be worse, I suppose. You could be his partner. All sympathy to her. He won't change. Everything will always be someone else's fault. He's a man child. Stop indulging him and do what you want to do.

Apologies if I'm jumping the gun but your op sound like your husband might not survive the cancer. If this is the case then I think it's really important for you to make the day as special as you can for you both and for your children.
It would be a shame if This was your last Xmas together and it was ruined by the atmosphere of being around your brother. Apologies if I've got that all wrong.

I also think that your bother is an ass.

Sadly , toxic people don't change their default behaviour patterns when life gets shitty. Concentrate on your DH. From experience,facing Christmas with someone with cancer is hard enough, without crappy people who aren't worth your effort.

OP,
Spend Christmas with your husband at home and make it special for your children.

Your brother is awful, and always has been.

Why would you give this time, energy or emotion, when you clearly have other more important things to focus on?

Focus on your immediate family.