To require DS's father to pay the full maintenance amount as calculated by Child Maintenance Services?

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

ExH is not an easy person to communicate with. There is fuck all chance of holding a rational conversation with him - please believe me that I have tried over the 18 years that I have known him.

ExH has always resented paying maintenance. For this reason I suggested it be calculated by Child Maintenance Services (CMS) so that it was impartial. Maintenance has been calculated by CMS for about 4 years now. DS who is 16 used to stay at his father's quite often so that the maintenance amount was reduced by 1/7.

DS no longer wants to stay at his father's and has not done so regularly since Lockdown #1. The reasons he does not want to stay there is because of C19, because his father lives in a house share and because he cannot sleep properly there due to his father's snoring (which is horrendous).

Our annual renewal of child maintenance is currently being undertaken by CMS. I have informed CMS that DS no longer stays at his father's and this means that the 1/7th reduction is no longer applicable.

ExH is furious. His barrage of abusive texts towards me was dreadful, but what made matters worse is that he told DS and has involved him by saying shit like he is going to take me to court (fuck knows what for!) and all sorts of other terrible stuff which has upset DS all over again.

ExH is shit with money and is constantly struggling. While I earn less than ExH, I get Child benefit and UC. Money matters are manageable though by no means good for me.

ExH has said that if I do not withdraw my amended claim he will not see DS again (this is crap because he saw DS a few days after making this absurd threat, but then according to DS' school support worker, ExH spent the entire time with DS ranting about me).

I do not want to be bullied by ExH anymore. I have had years and fucking years of verbal and emotional abuse. However, I am concerned he will not let up on being a cunt towards DS who still loves him, and he will maybe even do worse and harm himself if I don't withdraw the amended claim.

I cannot see if I am doing the right thing by claiming the full entitlement or if I am being vindictive. I do not want to be bullied by him and I do not want to be scared of him anymore. When he used to see DS for weekends they would eat out 2 or 3 times a weekend. He is very, very shit with money. So I don't believe I should reduce my entitlement which is for DS's benefit purely because DS's father is incapable of providing a home for DS and for managing his money better.

Apologies for ramble. AIBU to claim the full maintenance entitlement as calculated by CMS?

Yes - you should claim the full maintenance - and he should pay it!

Yanbu BUT how much is it? He's obviously such a complete twat that any rational thought isn't going to happen and you are enemy no 1. If it's a small amount I'd let it go for the sake only if your ds. It's happened to me too, my exh was FURIOUS when I went via CMS as it meant he had to pay a few more hundred than he wanted, the dc also rarely stay there now (17 & 16) but I haven't advised CMS as honestly, for me it's not a battle worth
Fighting.

I think it all depends on your financial circumstances and whether it's worth the fight?

Yes claim it all. It's a small enough amount as it is, God knows.

Do not allow yourself to be bullied. Explain to your son the situation and give him the option to see less of his father while he acts like this.

Ds is old enough for the truth. Cms all the way.

Whether it's worth it depends on the amount, for £20 is it worth the upset? Also should let you be trying to facilitate ds seeing his father even if it's just for the day?

Was there any conversations with him about DS not wanting to go there any longer?

I could understand him being very upset if this is how he found out his DS didnt want to stay there any longer. He should either have discussed it with his or you should. Dies he still I tend to go during the day, being taken out, fed etc....

Because although maintenance is based on nights, if he still spends money on him during the day, it's a bit if a blow too.

I know this sounds harsh but I actually think it would be a terrible lesson to teach your son that men can bully their ex-partners (well anyone) into doing what they want, even if what they want isn't fair.

I would talk it through with your son and explain things again, but I wouldn't back down. And I would be clear why I wouldn't back down. Good luck though, what an arse.

It would mean an increase from about £270 a month to about £350 a month and would be helpful for me. ExH knows Ds does not want to stay there a s ExH does nothing to encourage him to spend even 1 night there. Ds: I don't want to stay at yours. ExH : OK. ExH to me: you are forcing DS out of his own home to come and stay with me.

My very bones and soul are tired of having to deal with him. We are not yet divorced because I cannot afford the court fee. We have no assets that require division. He has said 2 days ago he will be using next month's maintenance to pay for the divorce.

Next question : it will cause untold misery and upset if I ask CMS to collect the maintenance from his salary, but then I would not have to have any dealings with him. To put this in perspective, this month he asked me if he could pay half because he was in a bind, then 10 days later adjed to borrow £50. I agreed to both.

If a friend were to tell me this as their story I would slap them in the face with a wet fish and tell them to wake the fuck up.

@NotStayingIn

I know this sounds harsh but I actually think it would be a terrible lesson to teach your son that men can bully their ex-partners (well anyone) into doing what they want, even if what they want isn't fair.

I would talk it through with your son and explain things again, but I wouldn't back down. And I would be clear why I wouldn't back down. Good luck though, what an arse.

Absolutely this. Don't let your ex bully you and back you in to a corner, even if, as previous posters have said, it is for the sake of a small amount of money.

YANBU it’s not acceptable for him to send abusive messages either. Send him a polite message saying you use the CMS so you don’t have to discuss money directly with him, tell him that you won’t get into any further discussions about it and if he continues you will report him to the police for harassment

Do it. And yy ask the CMS to collect from his salary. You've suffered this miserable prick for many years for your ds' sake, now free yourself.

Yes claim the full amount. Also seek legal advice and inform the police as his behaviour is quite threatening twords you

Ask them to collect from his salary. Block him. If he upsets DS have him block him too. Plenty of time for them to repair their relationship when he stops being a prick

@Winterwoo

YANBU it’s not acceptable for him to send abusive messages either. Send him a polite message saying you use the CMS so you don’t have to discuss money directly with him, tell him that you won’t get into any further discussions about it and if he continues you will report him to the police for harassment

This. And then instruct CMS to collect direct from his salary.

I totally understand that you want to protect your DS and his relationship with his father but he’s 16 not 6 and you don’t have to put up with this rubbish. Your DS can make his own mind up about his father and decide for himself what contact he wants.

Also, use the next maintenance money to pay for the divorce. You need to be free of this man.

Claim the maintenance and block his number, at 16 your son is old enough to know that his Dad is responsible for his own actions, not you

Yes you should claim, and yes he should pay, what you are OWED for HIS CHILD. Him being shit with money is not your problem. Absolutely get the CMS to take it off at source - short term pain maybe, but long term gain — totally worth it.

Its amazing how many men and probably women are like this they fail to realize that their child is a 50/50 financial responsibility and CM isn't even 50% more like 10% if that! My ex is supposed to pay £135 for DS a month and has only made 1 payment ever so far yet i spend about £1000 a month on DS including the bills and his food and clothes etc yet at the same time im basically free childcare and my ex gets to go back to work free! Cms are a total joke too they dont exercise any of their powers or enfore any of it! But i have been advised that DS can take his father to court and claim the full amount himself so maybe yours can do that too in a few years doesn't make the situation any less shitty or infuriating though does it

GrubbsGrady, you're right. It costs far more than most realise. It costs me about £1300 a month just to put a roof over our heads. ExH bemoans the fact that he pays £500 for rent plus utilities, but again, that's my fault.

If you're on UC you can get help with court fees for a divorce provided you have less than £3000 in savings. Google help with court fees and fill in the form to send with the divorce form. If you're separated more than 2 years it's really easy. Make getting divorced with a financial agreement in place so you can cut all ties, otherwise down the line he could claim money off you. Don't forget the pensions, they can be worth a lot and should be shared.

Don't let him bully you, don't let him pay less than the legal amount and don't lend him any money. You are no longer friends, if you give in he will keep pushing you, trust me I've lived through this. The only thing that helps is for them to know exactly where you stand, your boundaries that won't be crossed. It sounds like you only have a couple of years left until you're totally free of him. Good luck :)

Thank you, Thisonemaybe.