To think we should all be together in the same room occasionally?

[Peterbear]

Does anyone else’s family just live separately in their own rooms all staring at screens? Myself and hubby both workI got at home - I.e staring at screens all day.2 teenage girls at school all day then literally come home and gawp at phones all night . We sit round the table for tea for approx 10 mins have. A quick chat then everyone’s back to bloody cyber space.obviously it doesn’t help being winter and lockdown but this has been a problem for a long time. is this normal family life for anyone else? Just seems a bit sad to me. If I suggest a walk/board game or something I feel like I’m literally rallying them into action. It’s very boring and very lonely. Any one else? Am I doing something wrong? Is this normal?

I think you're suggesting the wrong things, really. Most teenagers won't be all that interested in family walks or board games.

It might be unpopular, but what about a family film night? Or find a boxset or TV series you could all watch together? You could get takeaway or have pizza/popcorn once a week.

I hear you vanilla and honey. We do a film /pizza night on fri night - which is great but it’s literally 2 hours out of the whole week and the rest of the time is separate rooms/bloody screens. Just wondering if this passes for ‘family life’these days.

I think it is quite normal ... as DC get older ... and it so much easier for everyone to source their own entertainment via mobile phone, lap top etc. When I was growing up in the 1960s/7Os if we wanted to watch tv we would all have to decide on the same programme but even then I remember spending hours on my own listening to Radio Caroline in my room!

DH & I ate together earlier but now he is doing something in another room and I am browsing the Internet. We've agreed there is something we want to watch together at 9pm but that's quite unusual. When our DS is home from Uni he usually does his own thing too, although we do play cards/board game a couple of times a week.

Covid makes it harder ... DH works from home, I am furloughed...we can't go anywhere or meet anyone so we are running out of conversation! But I am not lonely or bored, I actually prefer to be on my own to read a book or waste time on Mumsnet.

Well, there's little difference between OPs scenario adn gawping at a TV screen in silence :/

If you okay the right boardgames,your teens should enjoy them.

Plenty of teens would enjoy a walk of some sort. Don't take your phones with you. Grab a takeaway hot drink and have a mooch round the woods, parks, heathland, wherever.

Just because they're teens doesn't mean all they're going to enjoy is sitting in their rooms.

Ragwort yes think maybe I’m clinging on to the 70’s or something! Just feels like a sad way to live.covid does make everything harder I agree.

YANBU, OP. It is lonely and isn’t good for family life or your mental health.

Can you start small and build up- eg screens allowed but you all need to stay in the same room and use headphones if needs be?

Can you say after Sunday lunch it’s family time with walk, bike ride, board games or cards then family tea time and a shared film?

Maybe no screens on Tues or Thurs nights as well? It’s easier to give in and just let it happen but you’ll regret it later when they leave home and you’ve spent very little quality time together.

Talk to DH about it, get him on board and present a united front to your DCs.

We do a fair bit of separate stuff but the 12yo and 15yo dc also watch stuff/ play console games together a lot, sometimes all of us do. We talk a lot over dinner and often several of us will be in the same room doing different things. Plus compulsory family walks. They wanted a dog, so they don't get to duck out of walks!

I really do think it's pretty normal for teens to be finding their own independence and generally preferring to spend time in their own rooms. A film/pizza night once a week sounds a great compromise and maybe something occasionally at weekends. Or would each teen prefer separate one to one time with you and your DH? Our DS is an only child but there are things he does with me separately and things he does with DH. It's hard to find 'family' activities to all do together as they get older.

Or just enjoy your freedom and find more things for yourself, pre Covid I would be out at Book Club, cinema trips, walks with friends, volunteering, meeting up for a coffee/drinks etc.

My dc are 12 and 14 abs it’s the same here. I am a single parent so it’s usually me in my own watching tv in the living room, one ex in the other room on Xbox/switch and the other in their room watching you tube and/or FaceTiming friends.
At that age I was out all the time but if I’d had this technology I might have been doing the same as times have changed.

We did go for a walk at the weekend-no phones, just exploring the woods and a flask of tea and cookies as a reward when we got back to the car (we’d usually go to a nearby garden centre cafe after but can’t do that)!
We then came gone and watched an Xmas film with popcorn and had a roast dinner. They were back to their screens after that but it was so lovely to spend some time with them and not on my own.

I think its normal for the teens, but I also think its normal that you should persist in rallying them into other things!

Maybe I'm bloody annoying but I do insist we have a family game night once a week. Not just board games, we play poker (badly), console games etc.

I will join teens in watching whatever they're into occasionally, can be a laugh sharing our views on the various Youtubers etc.

Also I try to find things we can watch together. Dh and I normally have a paticular series on the go and teen DC and have watched lots of great series together.

It isn't all wholesome fun and they do often have to be cajoled into it, it also isn't unusual for someone or other to have the hump but we need to spend time as a family and overall I think we all benefit.

Our family doesn't spend that much time on screens, we actually do go on walks and play board games! We cook, garden a little bit, read. Also everyone does craft to some extent so we often have projects. We also just sit about talking rubbish. But screens have got more present since lockdown started.

*typo’s, sorry! One dc in one room and one in another!

I didn’t have a phone as a teenager, but I’d be reading, listening to music, chatting on house phone to friends, basically doing my own thing. I don’t think this is a new thing teenagers often want to do their own thing, they come back in their 20s though (I hope!)

At some point about three years ago, we instituted a nightly game during/after dinner because it was the only way to get DS to stay at the table for long enough to eat dinner. We have got quite a good supply of board and card games now. Also a single parent.
I do a walk with DS most evenings so he can get enough exercise and sometimes older DC comes too. We also do baking now and then. I do think there is more screen time now they are older, and it is harder in lockdown. Sometimes we all watch a show together but that is quite rare.

@RubyFakeLipsRuby feel better knowing someone else has to cajole them into things constantly! I guess it would be great if someone else came up with a fun idea but it seems to be a ‘mum job’. Just don’t always have the energy and wish someone else would put something in the bloody pot.

I was an 80s teenager and only really spent time with my parents cooking, eating, tidying up, watching tv or going somewhere.

During lockdown could they go for a run or bike ride with you or walk to the shops? What do you fancy doing in the run up to Christmas will they decorate or bake, wrap presents with you helping? Can you rope them into helping you with something?

Something we do on Friday, is that we take turns choosing takeout, and then we do YouTube, roundly rubbishing, but actually quite enjoying, each other's choices in music. . .

And currently we've just watched Merlin, and now we're watching Supernatural. The robust negotiations about what we're watching adds to the shared family fun. . . more sav' blanc anyone?!

My two DS’s 19 & 17, appear at mealtimes, then disappear to their rooms again. Usual for teens though. DH & I usually go out without them these days, as they aren’t interested in the things we want to do. All part of growing up.

Yes, this is my household! I try suggesting movie night where we at least all stare at the same screen but no one ever wants to do it. It makes me sad, I used to enjoy watching TV with my parents!
It's all my fault though, I've let us get like this and I don't see a way back really without being overly authoritarian and making everyone hate me!

I can't think of anything I'd have hated more as a teenager than being cajoled/forced into family fun and games! (Can't imagine my dad being up for it either!)
It sounds like you're the one who's bored and lonely - they're quite happy! And surely you knew this would happen when you - presumably - bought everyone's screens in the first place.

It’s pretty normal, although we have played board games a couple of times recently. DS1 likes to help with cooking sometimes and DS2 will hang out it the living room with us if he’s bored! They are 16 & 17. I also make sure to pop into their rooms everyday after school/before bed and have a chat about what they’re doing. We do eat breakfast and dinner together everyday as well.

I think it’s very normal. We have a rule on weekends that there are no screens at all between 12-3. This means they are more likely to agree to a walk/game/bike ride or similar. But I try not to be too authoritarian about it. Have you tried siting everyone down and saying ‘look, we live together but we’re all in our separate screens all the time - what do you suggest?’. They may surprise you!!

Once the evening meal, which we ate together at the table was finished, my kids used to disappear to do their own thing.
I loved it because it meant that I could put my feet up and watch my programmes in peace.
You can't force teenagers to spend time with you, it will just cause resentment.
You need to find something to do yourself without relying on others for entertainment, even if it is only for one evening a week.

In the 90s I used to spend my evenings listening to Radio 1 in my room.

It sounds familiar OP, mine are boys and a bit older but some days I rarely see them at all. I am wistful for the times 6-8 years ago when they were early/ pre teen and we'd all lie on my bed together and watch TV.

We did go for a walk this year on my birthday, that's about the only walk they both joined me on. We did also go away in the summer for a week to a cottage which had no WiFi so we actually had to talk and play card games which we all really enjoyed, albeit it didn't last when we got home!

Thinking about it as a teenager although I'd sit in the living room with my parents in the evening (mainly because upstairs was so cold we avoided it except at bedtime), my dad would be reading a book or the paper, my mum would be watching TV, knitting or playing solitaire, and I'd be doing my homework. So we were together a lot of the time but most of it in companionable silence!