AIBU - To do Boxing at mine or go to in-laws or something else

[intsnetter]

Hi All,

Would be grateful for your valuable input as I am torn on what do (feeling selfish, but feel I have to think for myself first).

Question - Whether to do any boxing day dinner at my house, host in-laws or should I suggest, this year, we go to in-laws house on boxing day or after boxing day. Christmas day is at husband's other sibbling, which we are not attending this year.

Setting the scene: 2020 has been very rough on us as a couple. We lost our first baby earlier this year (PPROm’d at nearly 6 months pregnancy), and it’s been trying on both of us since. We are a married couple - together for 10 years, and we have always celebrated Christmas/New Year - full heartedly year on year.

This year, I really don’t feel like celebrating, and neither feel like seeing anyone over the Christmas period. The problem is in-laws stay with us over Christmas (from christmas eve until day after boxing day).

This year, I just want to be left alone.

We are also doing IVF, and will probably be fingers crossed a month pregnant if all goes to plan at Christmas. I am scared and anxious and really do not want any sort of stress during that time. IVF drugs do take its toll on me, and I can cry and get upset for no reason at all.

My in laws aren’t stressful as such, and we get on well, but I just don’t want to commit for anyone to stay over, and hosting them. We not telling them about the IVF bit yet.

Husband thinks it’s punishing and torturous to not see anyone over Christmas/Boxing day. He agrees that we won’t celebrate, no crackers no turkey, but simple dinner and tv with his parents.

Husband also thinks he/me gave in-laws the impression that they can stay at ours on boxing day, but I don't recall - having this agreement.

I think differently, how can I have in-laws around and tell them, we are not doing presents, it's christmas but I am not christmassy, and hanging out with us will not be the christmas, my in-laws will be expecting.

The discussions are on-going and I am finding it difficult to explain to husband and get him to understand and/or agree with me - that I really want do not want to host anyone this year. Hopefully, we will resume normally next year.



Am I being unreasonable ?

So sorry for the loss of your baby. It’s entirely normal that you are feeling bereaved, and anxious about the ivf, even without the hormones.
You are not unreasonable.
A few years ago I was talked into hosting in-laws (all of them) shortly after losing my mum. I resent them to this day for the utter ‘normality’ they expected. Not their fault, I should have said no.
I don’t really know how you get your DH to understand but hopefully someone else will have better advice.

No you are not being unreasonable. Presumably you do the lions share of the work to entertain so you get to say whether you feel up to it. You don't. Having a Christmas that's not Christmassy for the sake of having them over sounds awkward af.

Sorry for your awful loss. I hope happier times are ahead for you

Yanbu I don’t think. You can celebrate next year, hopefully with a new baby. Wishing you the best of luck. You should be able to spend Christmas how you want. Especially after what you have been through.

Sounds like you’re struggling! It’s OK to do what you have to to get through.

I think you need to be straight with your in-laws: you’ve had a horrible year, you’re feeling to fragile to host. Put some sort of positive spin “You know how much I love doing it usually” (assuming you at least pretend to usually!). Ask if they’d be OK if you went to them on Boxing Day instead, say you’re happy to bring main course or whatever, wash up after and do the work.
I can under DH wanting to see his family after such a tough year.

YANBU.

So sorry about the loss of your baby. I lost my first IVF baby at 5 months in to the pregnancy. It was horrific. Be gentle and kind to yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you are not being unreasonable in any way. I think you need to have a big talk with your husband right away. Just tell him you are simply not up for any kind of socialising this year, period. I also think you should let him visit his parents at their home if he feels he needs to. There is nothing wrong with you needing a break.

I was about to post something flippant as usually I think people are bu. But you are not. Do whatever you need to get you through this Christmas. Let your in-laws stay at yours and go to a hotel, premier Inn are open. There is a song called all I want for Christmas is New Years Eve and there is nothing wrong with wanting to hide away for a Christmas after your year. It's tough enough in a pandemic, it's unbelievably tough after losing your first and IVF and hormones is going to make things even harder. Don't feel bad about having to do what gets you through. You will get through it but it's fucking hard.

I'm so sorry op. I went through the same at months. Both dh and I needed our space and privacy and the last thing was to face anyone. I absolutely get you. I think for one year your dh should have a little more understanding about this and do what you need to get through it.

So sorry for your huge loss this year OP.

YANBU.

Your husband doesn't really need to fully understand or agree, (he sounds a bit dim mind you!)he just needs to accept that you are NOT doing it this year.

You are putting yourself and what you need first this year.

Perfectly reasonable.

It”s totally valid that you feel like this. please go with it, do what feels right for you.
Get your husband to explain to his parents, what you have said, that it’s been a bad year, you are struggling at the moment, and he can ask his parents to respect that for this Christmas you will need some time and space.
It’s also a good thing to mix up the “expectations” of relatives that this not to be the arrangement set in stone for every year henceforth. By mixing it up a bit this year, you are setting good boundaries around expectation for future years.
(Says me who having done one Christmas for inlaws - ended up doing the same for 16 years because of their unwritten “expectations”.