Does he harbour feelings for ex ?

[mrcce]

I have a niggle. I've also name changed as I have a different thread on here that's unrelated but obvious to family mumsnetters.
I am with my new boyfriend a number one f months . I feel adored, respected and important .i feel the same for him. He is out of a toxic relationship of six years, two years ago. He adored his ex and was absolutely devastated when it ended . He explained that they brought out the very worst in each other and she dictated terms of relationship and was not allowed to engage woth family or friends or his children when they were together. This led to their ultimate breakup when he chose to bring his children at weekends to his home .I am writing all of this for context.
He says he was very damaged after it all and sought counselling . He understood that the behaviours weren't normal in a loving relationship and the control and often abusive behaviour wet damaging .
Fast forward to us..we are together six months.Everything is going swimmingly . We talk about the future . He would like to meet and spend time with my children and is determined that children always come first, naturally.
We spoke last night and had a heart to heart about our pasts .
I asked if he felt he was truly over her . He said he was but that a part of him felt that there was always a part of him that would be soft for her but he would never ever go there again such was the toxicity and damage . He explained that he loved her more than anything at that time and feels
Masssive remorse for the way he treated his family and friends .
Aibu to continue this .is he truly over her .

It's been a short time really since he was with her and it was an abusive relationship. I'd imagine those feelings will go in time to be honest, just might take longer than a normal relationship. He's probably over her so to speak, but still feels hurt by what happened and wishes he'd been 'better' so she hadn't hurt him, if you know what I mean.

I know that the main feeling he has is regret.
He essentially isolated himself from his kids , family and friends when they were together on weekends etc for fear of the screaming, physical abuse at times and morbid jealousy .The family and friend s didn't like her either so even when there was an off occasion that she reluctantly attended,there was blue murder. He said he rarely attemeddd anything for fear of the backlash.
I can't help but feel that his residual feelings are not normal for such a horrible situation. She was only happy when they were on their own and then it was bliss, as long as there were no other people there. Does this sound strange to you ? Also he was threatened if he went to dinner/ concerts/ football woth his friends. Yes find it hard to understand I suppose . But I'm
Trying . I don't want to waste my time and end up deep in a relationship with him over time only to find he still loves her later on.

It is part of an abusive relationship unfortunately. Normally it's men telling women that they can't go and see friends, can't talk to other men, can't wear certain clothes etc, but women can be just as abusive to men. It's not often reported to be honest because men are laughed at for it.

In an abusive relationship, the victim can end up wanting to please their abuser to avoid the abuse, and become almost obsessed with keeping the abuser happy. This is what I think he still feels, he's still going through the detachment from her and the little voice from her is still in his head so to speak. In time it will go, but it's only been two years that they have been apart and it was a 6 year relationship, that's long term enough that they could have easily been married in that time. He got together with you 1.5 years after this. Honestly it sounds like it's too soon to be with someone. Personally it took me 3 years to feel like I wanted a relationship again after being in an abusive relationship, but some people take less or even more time. I think he needs to continue with his therapy, take things very slow with you, no introducing of children yet for at least another 6 months and work hard on moving on from her and realising that it wasn't love he felt, it was fear of being hurt and wanting to please her to avoid being hurt.

Can anybody help me to make sense of this please?

Thanks @CakeRequired . I cross posted .
So you think it is too early to be in another relationship for him? I dread the feeling of heartbreak again for me so I am apprehensive . Would you finish it if you were me ?
The impression I get is that he can see how absolutely awful it was in theory but emotionally I can see that he is a giver/pleaser and it is his default position . I know at times that he finds it odd that I like to do my own thing when together eg go off walking: reading : shopping but he loves my independence and my encouragement towards him to spend time doing what he loves with who he loves whenever he feels like it . He says he is not used to this. It sounds like he was controlled .

I wouldn't think he has romantic feelings but definitely attachment feelings for awhile if it was an extreme relationship.
I was out of a volatile highly emotional passionate fiery hurtful relationship 2years when I met DP.
I talked about my ex at the beginning definitely unresolved feelings not love with shock.
They passed I'm with DP 14years he is the exact opposite of my ex I'm glad he stuck around when he could have easily assumed I still loved my ex while I was sorting my head out.

You could ask him if he wants some time to sort his head out, but being in a relationship might help that as well to be fair. I'd say it's up to him, not you. You encouraging him to have his own hobbies, do things with his kids etc might help him more to be fair.

He was very controlled, she stopped him seeing his kids. That's an awful thing to do to someone.

I have my own unresolved family issues that can at times become overwhelming for me and have asked him if he really wants to continue this knowing that road will certainly not be smooth. He said he is in for the long haul and while we talk about the future and I feel he is being honest , encourages me to focus on us developing and enjoying each other and our relationship as we are . I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
She has recently been in contact, strictly about a work issue , as I have been there when they spoke and I asked him if I felt she was being forward by asking for advice a couple of years later . He didn't think so as she and he worked together and the questions were valid and strictly work based. Should I address this further or would that be controlling of me ?

Thanks too@EmeraldShamrock

Hmm it's bad of him to still be in contact with her to be honest, for his benefit only. He should have cut contact with her fully, blocked her etc. Doesn't matter if they've worked together, she was abusive and highly horrible to him. He should be cutting contact with her for his own mental health. He'll struggle to get rid of the desire to please her without cutting contact.

How would you approach this@CakeRequired ? Or would you let it go and see what happens ?

I don't agree that time necessarily means anything. DP and I got together just months after his traumatic split from his wife of 14 years and now, we couldn't be happier.

I think he needs to choose to be honest, but the choice is nothing to do with you. He made a massive mistake several years ago for a long time, he ditched his own children, his family, his friends etc for her. He is still in effect by talking to her, even about work, choosing her. If I was his child, I'd be massively pissed off to find out he still spoke to her, same if I was his parent. But he is also slowing down the process of moving on properly by talking to her. She will use that time talking to her advantage, she's that kind of person and he won't even know its happening. If he truly wants to move on, she has to be permanently removed from his life.

Is it fair of me to ask him to choose? Is it really my business ?? Should I explain my concerns and rationale . If he disagrees , where does that leave us ?

I think you should suggest that he talks to his family about it and see how they feel about it. Especially his parents, or more likely just them, he probably shouldn't talk to his kids about this unless they are older teenagers who can understand.

Thanks . Should I feel threatened ? I know that he is very close to his brother and has spoken at length about this relationship and it's subsequent breakdown . His brother was directly affected by my boyfriend not attending his stag as ' the backlash would be more hassle that it was worth.' So I expect he will be biased anyway.

No you shouldn't really, this is a problem that he and his family should resolve. You're a 6 month girlfriend. This is a previous issue that hasn't been fully resolved. Do they contact each other a lot about work?

If he was female getting out of this controlling relationship one that took her from normal life to an intense controlling one to one relationship you'd expect emotional damage when it ended.
I'm not sure if you should leave him you shouldn't feel second best.

I genuinely don't feel second best. I feel very important and cherished by him . He is a really good man as far as I can judge for this amount of time together .
She has rang him Only twice and the call was specifically about work . Short and sweet.
I can see his pleasing tendencies towards her being the reason for accepting contact and advising her. He said that the only reason she is contacting him is because she wants something from him, namely advice .