To try and seek out this side of the family?

[Klara86]

So growing up I spent a lot of time with my mum's extended family - granny and grandpa, aunties and uncles, great aunties (and even one great great aunt), you get the idea.

My dad's family were never in the picture, he never talked about them other than that he didn't get on with his dad and he'd left home at 16. My dad was in his 50s when I was born so I thought it likely by the time I was an adult that other family members might no longer be around.

When my dad died (this is a few years ago now) it kind of came out that the name I knew him by wasn't his name. He'd changed it when he met my mum. I knew where he'd grown up (very small village) and that he'd gone to church regularly, so I managed to find a record of his baptism and therefore his real name, I then did more research, my grandfather had died but only a couple of years before my dad, and there were other family members still living albeit some are in other countries.

Would you make contact with them if you were me? I am wary of stirring up any trouble. For example it seems likely that my dad's dad died a fairly wealthy man, I wouldn't want relatives thinking I was looking for a handout (my dad left no assets). I also don't fully know the background to him leaving, and I wonder whether there are lots of skeletons that maybe should be left in the past. My dad had 60 years to contact them and apparently didn't.

Just to add, most of my mum's side of the family have also now died or are quite unwell (Alzheimers etc) so even if they did know anything about my dad's background there's not really anyone to ask now.

I really don't know. I didnt know my dads side of the family due to bitter divorce when I was 5, I'd like you always wondered about my dads side of family. Late 20s I started looking on facebook and found them and my dad. Tbh I feel I should have left well alone

I would be very wary. If your dad went to the trouble of changing his name after leaving young, and then didn't contact them again, there's going to be a lot of background you probably want to steer clear of.

I'm not sure it's a good idea. What is your motivation for doing so? Why do you want this?

For context, my father's father had always been a little cagey about his origins, had absolutely no contact with anyone from before he met my father's mother.

Now records are online it seems that after the war he was a widower, with two children, that moved to Australia, then came back sans children and met my father's mother, and married, and started a new family!
Knowing about PTSD nowadays, perhaps we can understand a little why he may have done that, but if I had been one of those two small children, abandoned in Australia, I don't think I'd be quite as forgiving.

What will you again from contacting them ? It’s likely they harbour a grudge against your father and will give you a one sided version of events

I think if you do then you need to be very realistic that they may not be interested and you may find out things that you didn’t want to know; if you go into it with no expectations and just curiosity then fine but be prepared so that you’re not hurt in it.
It may also be that no one who is still alive really knows what happened.

The name change wasn't done until he met my mum, which was a couple of years before I was born. I have found some records of him with his original name up to then.

What would I gain - I suppose part of me hopes for more family, like I said I grew up with a big extended family but they are all gone now and I feel quite alone. Even something as simple as a photo of my dad as a child or young man; I've never seen anything from a time before he met my mum. I don't know anyone who knew my dad, it just feels like a huge part of his life is missing.

However I can see that it could just cause trouble which is why I've not done anything yet.

Go for it - but before you do, decide what you want out of it and be prepared for people not to care or want to talk to you. If you go in with the "I'm researching my family tree" you'll probably get a far better response than "Hi in your niece/cousin!"

I'd like to know more about the family, and about my dad.

It feels like a massive missing piece of my background.

I don't want my cousins to think I am out for the family money though (I'm not even sure I'd be entitled to any).

I would reach other 100% because they are your family and history too, you arent hurting your dad by finding out more about where he comes from and who he connects with. You could also try Ancestry DNA testing because it will connect you to other family that test too. Great genealogy tool. Even if skeletons or not nice people, at least you will know and that can be helpful in finding closure.

I’m on the fence. Assuming that your username reflects your year of birth then your Dad was born pre 1936? That means IF there were any surviving siblings they’d be extremely elderly by now. Any children of theirs would either not know of your existence or have very limited information on your history.

I suppose if you are desperate to go ahead I’d do the ‘researching my family tree’ route but I think it’s quite likely you won’t get much interest from them.

It’s really sad if you have lost the big extended family you once had but I don’t think you will find it here. At best it will likely be a polite exchange of basic and second hand information.

It's actually my house number, but yes coincidentally he was also born pre war. One of his siblings has died, the other is still alive, plus several cousins (from what I can find), as are other relatives (his cousins I think - so I presume my second cousins) although a lot are quite elderly and potentially in poor health like those remaining members of my mum's family.

I think I'm struggling too with the idea that my grandfather who I thought my whole life was long dead, lived to his late 90s and only died shortly before my dad.

Provided you’re ok if the family you Coby’s t doesn’t want to know or you may hear things about your father (Keeping in mind, you knew your dad so anything they may say negatively isn’t the same person you knew), then by all means go ahead and contact them stating you’re interested in learning more about your family history. Leave it at that. If something develops, that’s great. If not, you tried. If you’re not happy with them, you don’t have to keep in contact. I’d set up an email account just for this though so it would be easy to cut contact if you felt that was needed. Just be guarded until you’re comfortable.