To ask for help with my 7 year olds behaviour

[Cocacola12]

Just that really.
My son has recently turned 7. His behaviour is really poor, he’s rude, hits his sister and just won’t take no for an answer, won’t stop doing something no matter how many times he’s told. The trouble is, when we ask him to stop for example, he screams and shouts and hits and then starts damaging things. I don’t know what to do as his anger is terrible, that when we tell him no or to stop something he will scream, about and start trying to break things. If we sent him to his room he purposely damage something in it and continue on and on. After screaming and shouting he will then eventually back down and be really really upset and tearful. I’m writing this through tears as I just don’t know what to do. It’s just affecting everything as even the smallest thing and he will then explode. And it’s happening pretty much every day. I’m scared of him growing up and what he will do, and need help.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. No advice but I didn’t want to read and run and hopefully it’s a bit of a bump and someone who may be able to help will see it.

Is he getting enough attention, or has anything big changed? How do you deal with his behaviour at the moment?

Hi op also didn't want to read and run.

Has his behaviour always been like this? They do go through phases with lots of hormones pumping in.

Any sen?. School OK?.
Any signs of bullying.

What is triggering him at home, any bad food, e nos.. Triggers on lights? Colours... Tired, screen time?

Try and manage his behaviour before something happens, give incentives.. When he is calm talk to him about how to manage his feelings, its not ok to xyz.. And what to do when he starts to feel angry. But only talk about it when he's in a good mood.

Also try and make an environment that suits him where he doesn't have to hear no... Only worry about big things and forgot the small...

No big changes, he’s actually settled in well at school after a bumpy few weeks at the start of September and his behaviour at school is not like this - it’s almost as though he manages to control himself at school but it at home.
The main problem is he won’t do as he’s told - for example get ready for school, turn iPad off etc, we have to ask multiple times and even then he won’t, we then tell him if he doesn’t he will lose time on his game/not be allowed out to play etc if he doesn’t do as he’s told; and that when he kicks off, screaming damaging things shouting no at us. What do we do in this situation? We have two younger ones (my middle child is 6) and she never ever behaves or reacts like this.
If he does something wrong, for example today he was told off for sticking his tongue out and being cheeky to the person in the car next to us in the car park, we told him to stop , of course he didn’t, then told him he would lose out on something and boom he escalates and he screams at the top of his voice all the way home, kicking the car chairs and trying to break the window. This is just an example of an almost daily occurrence. He doesn’t actually do any thing I would class as extremely bad/naughty in the first place - that’s what happens as a result of him being given into trouble - and this is the crux of the problem

Have you read about PDA? It's a particular presentation of autism, and their challenging and controlling behaviour is anxiety-driven.

It's very common for PDA children to mask at school (though not all do).

Autonomy works best with them (i.e. them having lots of choice over their own lives, which often includes home educating), reducing demands to an absolute minimum, and not punishing them. That just increases their anxiety and makes it all worse.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/

Have you tried ignoring bad behaviour & only paying attention to good? Some of what you have said makes me wonder if he is seeking attention. Try to praise him when he is good & if he behaves badly just appear to not pay any attention to him, he hits his sister, then you go & do something interesting with her, he breaks something, clear it away & carry on with what you were doing. If he learns that only behaving well gets him the attention he craves then he will change.

He sounds like my DS. Was a a dream until about 4 (when he started school) and then becamevery explosive. Generally fine in school but we had daily destructive tantrums for years through primary school. No answers I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

does he get enough outdoor exercise,, to burn off energy, run around, climb trees, kick football etc
is there a man at home who could try to give him a good run around outside. cycling etc in the park.
don't allow him any distracting items in his room, so he has nothing much else to do in the morning but get ready for school.
try to manage his surroundings more, to limit opportunities for trouble ahead. try to ignore eg car tongue-sticking out incident. other minor issues, so as to avoid escalation.
it does sound handful Op. good luck.

Sounds like my 5 yo except the breaking stuff

Doesn't want to go to school now post lockdown, it's an arguement every morning that involves tantrums and screaming fits.
Same is he's told no for anything. It's like he can't regulate his emotions so he goes from done to over flowing before he can do anything.
We'll tell him off for doing something that might get him or his brothers hurt (ie had his for lightly on his brother's chest. Brother laughing. Time not to incase he slips and hurts him. Complete breakdown of temper, he wants to do it etc. All him if he wants brother to get hurt. Yes. All your telling me you want to hurt your brother. YES screamed. Except I know he doesn't, he never has and he loves him. It's just in that moment he can't process his emotions

Young Minds website has lots of good info on challenging behaviour.

We took our DS to a child personal development coach . She was amazing and does work remotely. It helped DS understand why he was son angry all the time and helped him develop ways to calm himself down

How much sleep is he getting?

My DD is exactly the same unless she has slept for 10-12 hours, then she is as good as gold.

I have been monitoring it and the difference is astonishing.

Another vote for demand avoidant autistic traits - you’ve summed it up when you said about holding it together in school and then exploding at home.

I’d start with a chat with a clinical psychologist.

Sounds like my DD who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Look into it OP...read up on the symptoms.

He sounds like my not long 7 year old (August birthday) except for the damaging things, although that’s probably luck because he punches snd hits soft things instead.
It’s like a red mist descends and it’s impossible to get through to him. The threat of consequence doesn’t work and escalating of consequence certainly doesn’t.

Once he has calmed, he hates talking to us about what’s happened - he will fidget and mess around, complete avoidance, even when it’s perfectly calm and trying to talk to him about what’s happened. We put the consequence in place afterwards and he understands why but in the midst of it, I feel completely incapable of stopping his behaviour.

No advice unfortunately but

If the school say there’s no problem then contact the school nurse.

We've had problems like this with my 8 year old as well. He finds screens very addictive too. I think managing the environment helps more than punishment etc. For example before school if he is having meltdowns when asked to come off his I pad May be it's best to not use the I pad at all before school and only allow him to watch normal tv which he might find less interesting. I can't allow my kids to play games before school or that's a recipe.for disaster. Also we try and get my ds outside as much as possible. That really helps. Another thing is he's learning to play guitar. When he gets stressed/bored / whatever he can play his guitar for a bit and I've noticed it does calm him down and is alot better than screen time. Can he have more one to one time with you or his dad without the brother being involved? That helps sibling relationships when they aren't together all the time.

It sounds like your boy can’t regulate his emotions. My son is 5 and we’ve been working a lot on that.

When he becomes dysregulated, we send him to his room. Our stance, which won’t be popular, is it’s his stuff, if he breaks his toys then they go in the bin (due to being dangerous because of sharp edges). If he wrecks the house, he tidies it when calm.

Have you looked at the work of Dan Hughes? Also Bruce Perry? Using the principles of PACE (playfulness acceptance curiosity and empathy) might help.

I would also contact GP and CAHMS. The waiting list is so long you might as well get the ball rolling. It sounds like you need support.

he main problem is he won’t do as he’s told - for example get ready for school, turn iPad off etc, we have to ask multiple times and even then he won’t, we then tell him if he doesn’t he will lose time on his game/not be allowed out to play etc if he doesn’t do as he’s told; and that when he kicks off, screaming damaging things shouting no at us. What do we do in this situation?

Well, that's another day of no screens then!

Patience, patience, lots of tongue biting and consistency. It sounds pretty normal to honest and mine were the same around the same age. I often used the phrase "if you're not old enough to behave/get dressed/turn the iPad off when asked... then you're not old enough to use the iPad/play out"

What happens when he breaks things? Do you make him clean up? Repair it? Remove it?

If he does something wrong, for example today he was told off for sticking his tongue out and being cheeky to the person in the car next to us in the car park, we told him to stop , of course he didn’t, then told him he would lose out on something and boom he escalates and he screams at the top of his voice all the way home, kicking the car chairs and trying to break the window.

Is this not an overreaction on your part? Pick your battles. Is he ever allowed to be silly? (This turned out to be why DD was reacting to badly when we told her off for silly things. She felt she was having to be too responsible and that she's still only little.). At the end of the day, does it really matter if he sticks his tongue out at someone in the car? Laugh it off "oh they must think we've got a monster/toddler in the car" but to sanction him when you know he will kick off for being sanctioned seems to be setting him up to fail.

Read this bit again He doesn’t actually do any thing I would class as extremely bad/naughty in the first place - that’s what happens as a result of him being given into trouble - and this is the crux of the problem

I could have written your message two years ago. It would have me in tears as well. I read ‘the explosive child’ we saw CAMHs - they were rubbish, talked to school and SENCO who were sympathize but as he was fine in school didn’t really have suggestions.
The thing that helped was seeing a play therapist, expensive but I would have paid double for the change in him. Good luck

What games is he playing on his iPad?
I notice a profound change in behaviour in my DS if he’s been on certain games. Fortnite or any shooting games specifically. But even other gentler games can turn him into a monster.
Also screens are SO addictive. Young children cannot regulate their addiction to them.
Is je getting outdoors enough? Into nature? Children are so disconnected to nature today When we take our DC on a walk in fields/park or into a forest they transform into happy, calm children.
Check for problems at school with bullying too.
Good luck

Thank you all for your replies.
I do believe he has poor emotional regulation, it’s almost like he doesn’t know what to do. I’m really making a conscious effort to contain my anger when he gets like this and have been on the whole fairly calm and in control, my husband is the opposite and his behaviour is much worse when he is here. It’s difficult when he (my oh) just sees bad behaviour on my sons part, and not his obvious need to regulate his emotions. It’s or an help that his father figure was not great, so it’s trying to get him to change too. I’m hoping if we get some professional help he will realise it’s not just a case of bad behaviour.
He gets a lot of outdoor time - walk to and from school every day, plays football twice a week, beavers, and then plays out on his bike with his friends some days. With the nights getting darker and colder (were in N Scotland!) it’s a little harder at this time of year, but I am going to try go out with them myself after school more often.
He does use the iPad, and being honest probably a little too much. I sometimes just can’t face the showdown if I try to take it off him. I’m going to limit to 45 mins a day of screens, and ideally after school. He didn’t watch tv/iPad or anything before school today which was good.
Thanks for listening.
Sometimes writing it all down makes it seem more manageable, on reflection.

Sounds tough. If only children came with a guide.

Do you always follow through with the consequences? Or does he realise if he kicks off enough all will be forgotten?

If you do follow through with the discipline consistently, then I agree with others, maybe ask for a meeting with the school and explain what's happening at home and ask if they can support you. I've heard of PDA and may be worth looking into.

You mention you and your OH have different parenting - do the kids see that?

Have the same here. As a starter we have put in timings for him and given him exact instructions for what is expected. For example I have written down and explained his morning. So instead of me roaring at him to put his shoes on 10 times he knows the time he has to put them on and the time he has to get coat and bag and into the car. I give him 10 mins, 5 mins etc, he looks at the time on the microwave. First and then is also good.

If you think about it this is what happens in school, very clear rules and boundaries. So they can process whats being asked of them. Same on the way home in the car, clear instructions on the evening ahead and what is expected of him.

I sat him down before and he said he hated me shouting (I felt dreadful) so we have come up with this plan together. I have now limited his screen time without actually him knowing it and just made more of an effort to set up activities and bought him a few cheap toys that his other siblings dont know about. Little soldiers and equipment, he keeps them in a celebration box and gets great pleasure in sneaking up to his room to play with them. Away from the bedlam that triggers him and he is not on his ipad. It's our secret as such. We wink!!! It's a work in progress but my god the behaviour is far better that may revert.

Now to work on the 5 year old who still throws tantrums like you wouldnt believe

He does use the iPad, and being honest probably a little too much. I sometimes just can’t face the showdown if I try to take it off him. I’m going to limit to 45 mins a day of screens, and ideally after school.

Do you think the uncertainty is unsettling him? Rather than saying "ideally", because he won't remember that come evening if he had it in the morning, can you give a set time? I found it was far simpler to implement no iPad/gaming during a school week and no tv before 5 pm. After a couple of weeks, the Dc gave up asking and it's far easier to reply "no it's a school day." or "what time is it?" than to always be the mean one who says "no". You're obviously still saying no but it's not something wishy washy like " I think it's too late" or "I think you've had enough" or "because I said so" where the emphasis is on you not letting him have it.

Also if they're in an immersive game like Mario or Minecraft, then 45 minutes doesn't seem very long at all whilst they're playing, hence the fights to put it down. Setting a timer/alarm can also help diffuse.