Mother's Birthday

[redbrick1]

After a historical bad relationship that essentially ended with my mother earlier this year, I have found myself wondering whether or not to simply get her a birthday card this year? If not from me, then from my child? She didn't make contact with me or acknowledge me in any way on my birthday. I feel like if I get her one, I'm proving a point that I'm not as bad as her and think that's for the wrong reason.

She's hurt me in unforgivable ways, but sadly can't see what she's done wrong and I think that if she sees me giving her one, she will take it as though I'm accepting blame.

Nope. Why would you do this to yourself? She doesn't care what you think and feel and it's time you took some of that and put it in her direction.

I know this, you're absolutely right. - but because I'm not the bad one, I'm going to feel just awful not acknowledging her birthday. She'll then start saying I'm 'using' my child to get at her by not allowing her to see them on the day - despite lockdown. I know in my heart that she's not remotely attached or bothered about me. The things she has done and said, especially in the years since I found out I was pregnant, and then going through my divorce have been eye watering. I'm still struggling to accept that she isn't bothered about me, which is why I think I'm struggling with the concept of not acknowledging her birthday.

Sorry to read this op. I have a difficult relationship with my dm. We are LC-NC. So I send birthday and Christmas cards. Plus drawings/cards from the kids.

It’s my way of saying that I still care about her, even if the relationship has all but broken down.

I had a milestone birthday this year. She sent a gift but didn’t call or text, which really hurt. The gift felt irrelevant if she couldn’t even contact me.

Through therapy I’ve given up trying to guess her motives or the means behind her actions or words. I now just do what I think is right. Which for me, is sending a card...

I really empathize - even something as simple as sending cards becomes complicated when your key relationships are in tatters.

If she has hurt you in unforgivable ways, and I really wouldn’t bother. So what if she has a go about you not sending one? But it really matter? It’s thinking like this that keeps the turmoil inside you ticking over. I am speaking from experience. Stop engaging, stop feeling guilty, and focus on your life and that of your child. Do not allow your child to be dragged into this mess.