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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do

27 replies

1950s1 · 22/11/2020 13:22

A has an acquaintance online, B. A has not known B for very long. About a week. B knows a shocking amount of in-depth information about A, and has sent A several, long paragraphs on A's personality and behaviour. The sort of information you would only know about someone having lived with them your entire life. B was nothing but kind to A and has been helping a through a personal issue. But A found it scary that B knew so much about them and has blocked them. B has contacted A on another account saying that they will always be there for A, and added that they don't know what they've done wrong and would like to know.

OP posts:
BurningEars · 22/11/2020 13:26

You’re going to have to give some more information.

Cocomarine · 22/11/2020 13:26

I’d rewrite the post properly for a start.
I have one answer for A, one for B and one for C, if you’re neither person. So it would help to know that, for a start!

Also rather important to the answer - does B know so much because A is an over sharer, or is there a suggestion that B actually knows A in real life and has kept that from her?

Cocomarine · 22/11/2020 13:30

I searched in case a previous post made this a bit clearer. It didn’t, but I did see that you made another A and B scenario post on Friday, and didn’t bother coming back to it - rather rude to the respondents. So perhaps if you add more detail here, you’d like to thank the people on that thread too?

BaronessBomburst · 22/11/2020 13:32

B is at best over-intense, and at worst a dangerous stalker.
If I was A I'd be blocking them everywhere too.

BaronessBomburst · 22/11/2020 13:34

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Cocomarine · 22/11/2020 13:35

I suspect that A has little self awareness, and all B has actually done is said something like, “your personal issue is because you’re a people pleaser, you always but other people before yourself” and A has said, “OMG! How did you know, that’s so me!!!”

Think of B as a tarot reader, and A as someone who simply doesn’t realise (a) how much she gives away and (b) how easy it is to get people to identify with fairly generalised statements

Elieza · 22/11/2020 13:38

Lets give names!

“Amy” seems to have used “Barbara” as a free therapist and has told her everything because she’s going through a bunch of bad shit and needed to get it off her chest.

Barbara’s was kind and helpful and tried to be there for Amy, even though they were t close friends, and tried to help. Possibly considering they had become friends.

Amy is now shitting herself at her own stupidity and is embarrassed that she told Barbara a bunch of personal shit she now regrets opening her trap about.

She doesn’t know Barbara well enough to know if she will gossip about her to mutual friends or mutual colleagues, or anyone else. So in panic she blocks her, hoping to avoid her and any unpleasant convos in future, now that she feels better and doesn’t need Barbara’s help any more.

Barbara is gutted as she thought they’d become pals and felt she’d helped Amy.

Does that sum it up?

If one could get a message to the other what would she want the outcome to be? Does she want to be mates? Can she move past this?

flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 13:40

A week? Both A and B have some serious issues with boundaries.

nimbuscloud · 22/11/2020 13:41

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nimbuscloud · 22/11/2020 13:41

Leave A alone.

malmi · 22/11/2020 13:46

YABU I'm afraid.

Original poster
1950s1 · 22/11/2020 15:08

For privacy reasons I will not be revealing who A & B are. And I don't think it's right for anyone to accuse me of being A or B in any scenario I post about. I don't see how I could add more information without being outing. But I will say that Elieza's comment makes sense to me. As for the other thread I made on Friday, it is a separate issue and has nothing to do with this.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 22/11/2020 15:11

Absolutely hate these A ands B posts.

Cocomarine · 22/11/2020 15:35

@1950s1

For privacy reasons I will not be revealing who A & B are. And I don't think it's right for anyone to accuse me of being A or B in any scenario I post about. I don't see how I could add more information without being outing. But I will say that Elieza's comment makes sense to me. As for the other thread I made on Friday, it is a separate issue and has nothing to do with this.
What a bizarre reply. No-one is asking you for the name, address and NI number of A or B. But how can we possibly answer your “WWYD?” unless we know if you want us to answer regarding A, B or a third party? There is absolutely no privacy reason why you can’t say whether you are A or B or someone else.

As to your thread on Friday... of course it doesn’t change the answers her. But it changes my willingness to answer - why waste time giving feed back to someone who hasn’t the manners to return and thank people for their time?

Original poster
1950s1 · 22/11/2020 16:00

My wwyd indicates the question of what you would do in this scenario. I posted it under 'AIBU' not necessarily because I am A or B or a 3rd person, but because I was wondering what your thoughts were on the actions of A & B. I have not used names, ages, said wether or not I am A or B or a 3rd person or what role the people involved for privacy reasons. If I did that on any thread, people could build profiles of anyone I write about. If I don't see the need to respond to comments on another thread, I wont. I have made threads on a (this) site where commenters are expected to help others. So I didn't feel the need to thank anyone because I thought they would assume that if their comment was helpful that I was grateful for it. And I don't see how it is a waste of time to help someone who has come to the website for it.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 22/11/2020 16:06

You’re asking people what you should do but won’t tell anyone who you are. In those circumstances how on earth do you think people can respond ?!

LIZS · 22/11/2020 16:11

@flaviaritt

A week? Both A and B have some serious issues with boundaries.
Definitely. Oversharing on both sides. Does B know more than A thinks they disclosed? Is this an equal friendship or is one in a professional capacity?
Original poster
1950s1 · 22/11/2020 16:21

Does B know more than A thinks they disclosed?

this

OP posts:
toomanyplants · 22/11/2020 16:24

What would you do?
I'd start writing posts in a way that they made sense for a start.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/11/2020 16:34

And I don't think it's right for anyone to accuse me of being A or B in any scenario I post about.

Is it really an ‘accusation’ though? Or are people just trying to understand a little more about this very vague scenario?

As far as I can see, it comes down to how B obtained this information and why. Did A over-share early on and regret it later? Or has B deliberately delved into A’s life, quizzing others, or searching on social media, 192.com etc.? Because the latter scenario is worrying, whereas the former is an error on A’s part.

Original poster
1950s1 · 22/11/2020 16:34

You could say what you would do as A or B.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 22/11/2020 16:39

We can’t though, because we don’t know how B has the information.
If they have it because they are perceptive, a listener, and A is an oversharer - then I’d tell B that they were kind but too intense. Move on.
If B has the information from going elsewhere, then I’d tell B they need to get a hold of themselves.

Either way - A needs to stop over sharing with someone they’ve known for a week.

And if you’re C - you probably just need to keep your beak out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 22/11/2020 16:49

^What would you do?
I'd start writing posts in a way that they made sense for a start.^

This!

Elieza · 22/11/2020 16:50

It depends on what both want. The friendship to continue or not.

If A just wants reassurance that B will keep the info shared confidential, she could thank her for being there for her, apologise for being a bit flakey recently and unblock her. Tell her that she really appreciated her help during a difficult time and say she’s sorry for cutting her off there for no reason, I was just freaking out sorry. And say I hope we can still be friends, I know you’re a good person and that you will keep everything I said to yourself. I hope I can be a good friend to you too.

That should lead to B saying of course we can be friends and of course I’ll keep your info confidential.

If B is the one to start the convo, is she could get a message to A saying she hopes A is ok as she’s not heard from her, that she will keep everything that’s fine between them confidential and that she’s like to be friends in future if A is up for it.

That should lead to a reassured A getting in touch and unblocking her and being friends.

I’m future A shouldn’t tell B quite so much stuff agin. Learn from mistakes! A should pay a counsellor for help and he/she will keep her secrets.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/11/2020 16:57

How could B possibly know more than A told her unless B is a stalker?

All that has happened is that B wants to know what they did wrong. Is there anything else concerning?

If you are effectively C, you are relying on what A has told you about B. This is an issue, unless you know that A is definitely not the hysterical exaggerating attention seeking type.