Post Operative Depression

[WuthPP]

Is there such a thing? I had a cancer operation last Tuesday. It went well physically but I'm just not coping with waking up and facing a new day now I am post operative.

I'm on the shielded patient list due to my health so have been shielded at home with my husband since March. I was terrified I'd catch covid in hospital (and I'm still nervous of it now until 14 days have gone by) even though I was in a single room. Every time a nurse mentioned their children I would spend hours terrified they were incubating covid and carrying it into the hospital. I was sent home as soon as it was medically safe, and I expected to be able to relax a bit once home, but I cant.

My head is full of fear of cancer (this operation was for a second cancer that was nothing to do with the cancer that had already meant I had to shield), I'm hating all the Christmas stuff because it won't be safe for me to see my kids at Christmas, when normally we would spend a week together here at home. I feel absolute rage when people say I should be grateful for zoom and Skype - of course its better than nothing but I want to hug them and spend hours being quiet, then chatting, then quiet, then reading in the same room. I want some FUCKING normality not a figure on a screen where I feel obliged to keep the conversation going and can't drop a kiss on top of a head when I walk past handing out mince pies.....It's so bloody artificial and I want my life back.

Because I'm such high risk I have no idea when I will feel safe again, even with a vaccine. I'm spooked by ending up with 2 separate cancers and feel as if I've been marked out by fate so I'll be sent another variety very soon (I have a life history of childhood sexual abuse, emotional parental abuse, physical health issues and numerous doses of bad luck)

All of this is what's in my head. My DH, who does try hard to keep me safe and be supportive, is confused that I'm not just glad to be home with my cancer operation behind me, and I want to feel that way, but my life feels so black, and I feel as though I can't fight all the shit it throws at me any more. I try to appear positive and upbeat to my family as I don't want them to worry, but inside I feel empty and dark and hopeless.

So is this who I am now? Or is it maybe a hangover from my operation and the anaesthetic? I can't read or watch TV. I don't enjoy any of the food I used to (over) eat. Even tea and coffee aren't tasting the way I expect. I can taste and smell them, I just don't like them anymore since I got home, so even a tray of tea in front of the fire isn't a pleasure.

Ive woken up the last 2 mornings wishing I hadn't ever woken up from the operation. My DH is scared by this but I just can't seem to care. Im not thinking suicidal thoughts, I just want to stay asleep and avoid this half life shit that's taken everything away from me and that I can't see an end to.

I don’t think it’s a known cause of depression whilst chronic illness like cancer can be. Shielding properly is isolating and that can be too. You sound like you need real support from people who understand mental health. I’m pretty sure you’ve not been singled out - sadly lots of people get two types of cancers - but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with.
Macmillan have good support via their helpline.
Phone your GP for a proper assessment on Monday, perhaps.

Are you able to exercise at all? That helps beat off depression, cancer and post operative complications.
Can you form a support bubble with one other person so you can go out for a walk with them whilst feeling safe? Or at least a potter and s cup of tea to feel less isolated.

Last Tuesday! I think you need to cut yourself some slack. There's nothing abnormal about how you're feeling.

There is a growing body of research on post-operative depression and post-operative trauma and neither is a new or unknown phenomenon. Partly due to all the drugs and partly due to all the stress and trauma surrounding the surgery and/or illness and/or changes to your body.

Plus, when you're preparing for surgery you have a focus and an 'end date' which means it can be much easier to set the fears and worries and future to one side. After surgery that all suddenly pops up wanting your attention and you no longer have that sense of there being an 'end date' to any of it, which can make it much harder to cope with for a while.

The unsafeness and hopelessness you're feeling sound like a trauma response, which is understandable given what you've been through. Depression is a reaction to trauma (it's sort of the brain's way of stopping you from doing anything that will expose you to more trauma) and also the drugs used in surgery. Normally trauma and its effects resolve naturally in the first few weeks to months afterwards.

Little by little you will start to feel physically better, your taste will change, hopefully the bloody covid restrictions will reduce, you'll feel a bit stronger in yourself physically, and your brain will have had time to process everything you've been through so it won't be intruding into your thoughts and feelings all the time.

If you can find a support bubble to give you more human connections that will help over time. As would being able to talk about your real feelings with someone who gets it and won't tell you to be positive - Macmillan is a good suggestion and there's also Samaritans (you don't have to be suicidal to contact them). Have you tried writing a journal helpful? It might help you see little progress more easily if you keep even very short notes each day of what you did/managed.

Being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to feel what you feel without judgement (you are allowed to feel angry, frightened, sad, however you feel), not pushing yourself too hard physically or mentally to 'be ok ' (you do need time to recuperate physically and mentally), using small activities to occupy your days (I found 15-30 minutes segments the most manageable otherwise I became overwhelmed). These are things that can help you through this period.

The things that used to being you pleasure or comfort aren't at the moment. They might return to being pleasurable, but in the meantime are there other things that might?

OP, that is such a lot to cope with.

Take it day by day. It’s horribly unfair.

I had a routine operation a few years ago, all went well
A week later I was so depressed I really wanted to die, it was the hangover from the general anaesthetic, I read up on it and it is quite common
Be kind and look after yourself
I hope you feel better soon x

Also, in case it wasn't clear and in case it makes you feel less alone, my post is written as someone who struggled with trauma and depression after major surgery. I felt that grief for my normal life. And that was without having to face all the covid stuff you've been through alongside. I really feel for you.

I couldn't focus on reading or TV either, so that's why I suggested breaking time up into smaller slots - I realised I could manage 10 minutes of nature videos on YouTube and then 10 minutes of listening to the birds and then 10 minutes of crying and then 10 minutes of candycrush... Just random small stuff to get through the day. Eventually I could sustain the same activity for 15 minutes then 30.

Things do get better over time.

I'm pretty sure anything affecting the central nervous system (like anaesthesia) can cause depression. Hang in their, OP. Treat it as a physical response to the trauma of the Op and the anaesthetic, and be kind to yourself. Try and coddle yourself, little treats etc.