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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the pick ups be shared?

22 replies

inmyshoos · 22/11/2020 08:09

Divorced parents. One moves 30 mins out of town. Should the one who moves do the pick up/drop off of the dc or should it be shared?

Aibu to think the one who decided to move, even if for good reason, should do the travelling?

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 08:12

It’s only half an hour. Hardly an unreasonable move. So it should be shared.

LolaSmiles · 22/11/2020 08:13

My understanding was the one who moved does the travelling, but if I had a positive coparent relationship then I'd probably be open to doing some.

GaraMedouar · 22/11/2020 08:15

I’d say shared.

JunkieMonkey · 22/11/2020 08:19

I’m guessing you’re not the one that moved?
I’m also guessing that if you had have been the one to move you wouldn’t be falling over yourself to say that it should be down to solely you to do every single pick up and drop off either.

Wannabegreenfingers · 22/11/2020 08:19

I'd share on occasion, but not all the time. My ex is 1hr 15 mins away (his choice) so far he has done all the travelling. His choice.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/11/2020 08:23

30 minutes is hardly an unreasonable move. Pick ups should be shared.

Grobagsforever · 22/11/2020 08:25

I wouldn't die on this hill. Your ex should do the majority but I wouldn't be totally inflexible

LittleRa · 22/11/2020 08:26

My exH moved around 30 mins away and we share. He probably ends up driving over here more often as there are some days he drops her off/picks her up from school/wraparound which is near my house. On weekends we just decide flexibly depending on plans, one of use might be going out the the country park or the sea front and drop her off on the way back, for example. It generally seems to work out pretty even.

SD1978 · 22/11/2020 08:26

Within reasonable distances- I'd be doing shared- it's only half an hour. If the other parent chooses to make it a thing- I'd imagine there is more than juts this going on.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 22/11/2020 08:33

@JunkieMonkey actually it's not, it's quite the opposite.

OP posts:
JunkieMonkey · 22/11/2020 08:36

@inmyshoos so you’re the one that moved and said that you should be 100% in charge of picks up and drop offs and your ex said no, in the interest of fairness, that responsibility should be shared, and your problem with that is...what exactly?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 22/11/2020 08:46

@JunkieMonkey no i have an ex who moved 4 hrs away and my dc don't even know where he lives but he demanded I bring them to his new city of choice. I thought they was unfair.

The situation I'm asking about is moving with my new partner and if it's fair for him to ask his ex to share the drop offs.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 22/11/2020 08:54

Sharing is the decent thing to do.

What if the other parent then later decides to move too, is it then their responsibility to do all the pickups and drop offs.

My ex refused to pick up or collect the kids so if I didn't then do it, he wouldnt have them. I desperately needed some time off occasionally so I had to do it. I told myself that when the kids were older and I didn't need that time off then he would have to step up but no. One dc just stopped seeing him and the other would have to get a train there and back so I often ended up picking dc2 up anyway. Decent people do half.

Missmonkeypenny · 22/11/2020 08:57

Ex Dp and his wife live 25 mins away. He does the majority of pick ups and drop offs but if he asks me to ( eg hes working that day later ) then either DH or I will go to collect DD. He probably does 4 out of 5 pick ups/drops.

IMO pick your battles. We have a very good coparenting relationship now but it wasnt always like this and we had to work to get there!
When I was little and my own parents were separated, my DF lived 3 hours away and he and DM would always meet in the middle.

Shylo · 22/11/2020 09:01

My ex moved twenty minutes away ..... he assumed he’d do the pick ups and drop offs, which actually made me more inclined to do some than if he’d insisted I needed to do half of them ...... he probably still does most of them but that’s because he swings in on his way home from work or golf but I’ll be dropping them over there for a few hours today because it works better for everyone

Missmonkeypenny · 22/11/2020 09:01

[quote inmyshoos]@JunkieMonkey no i have an ex who moved 4 hrs away and my dc don't even know where he lives but he demanded I bring them to his new city of choice. I thought they was unfair.

The situation I'm asking about is moving with my new partner and if it's fair for him to ask his ex to share the drop offs.[/quote]
Why would you moving in change their current set up? I would probably keep out of it and let them decide travel arrangements themselves

lookingsusbro · 22/11/2020 09:56

Whoever moves should do the travelling. Imo it's fine to occasionally ask the other parent to drop off/pick up but not okay to move further away and expect the other parent to incur costs and lose an hour of their time to do half the travelling when they had no choice in their ex deciding to move.

Dh moved about 20 minutes from dsc to live with me and he's done all pickups/drop offs aside from a couple of times.

randomchap · 22/11/2020 10:43

Whatever makes it easiest for the DC.

Thehop · 22/11/2020 10:58

Whoever moves should do majority, but fair to share some

BoyTree · 22/11/2020 10:59

I think it depends on the split of care. If one parent is doing 80% of the care and the other is only doing EOW, then it seems fair for the EOW parent to do the driving. If it's a more 50-50 arrangement, then sharing the driving seems more equitable.

Waveysnail · 22/11/2020 13:37

It's usually the person moving who does all the pick up and drop off as they have caused issue. But I'd also considered finances (would ex be able to afford the petrol costs), other children - do they have other children in the house so they would have to bring all kids. Would a halfway drop off and pickup be easier?

Lucy830 · 22/11/2020 13:39

I think it also depends on who has the children more.

If my ex only had my child every other weekend or so I would expect him to do the majority of pick ups, drop offs.

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