To think my relationship is dying a death

[lolaband142]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years.
At first as it always is, it was amazing and loving and passionate. We showed we cared for each other and made gestures all the time. I understand this can be classed as 'honeymoon phase'.
However the last 4 years or so, it just seems like we annoy each other more than anything. We can go days, maybe even a week or 2 (even 3!) without even giving each other a kiss. It's like we just live together. Hardly ever say 'I love you', hardly properly talk, no compliments...
We've got 2 kids, a 3 year old and a 2 week old. I just want a truly loving and caring family unit, like what we used to have before kids. Now I'd say we're 80% just living in the same house, snapping at each other, lack of interest for each other. 20% we'll laugh and joke and show love to each other but not like it used to be.
I just want to know can we get that SPARK back. I feel like we're both draining the life from each other and I don't want to raise a family in that environment.
As cliche as it sounds, I've got so much love to give.. I crave that loving relationship. Is it worth trying again with him or investing my love and time with someone else?

You've got a three week old baby. You will be tired beyond reason. I suggest you talk to him and tell him how you feel and see what he says. This is not a good time to think about splitting up.

Was going to the exact same thing as previous poster.

I understand your point but honestly it's certainly not the first time I've felt like this.
Every time we've tried to talk about this it changes and things are good for a day or two and then we're back to square one.
If anything, having a 2 week old is opening my eyes to how much I don't want this sort of environment for my kids or myself anymore.

I know how you feel. Sorry I don’t have anything to offer but I don’t think how you’re feeling is that uncommon. Is it just normal long term relationships do you think? Those ups and downs everyone talks about 🤷🏻‍♀️
As a previous poster said, you do have a two week old so you must be exhausted which is never a good mix when things aren’t great x

Honestly I've no idea if it's normal or not. I've never been with anyone else.
He's never engaged when he's with us, he's either playing on his phone, Xbox, laptop.. I'll speak to him and he ignores me. I'll start conversation he'll say 'one minute' and carry on doing whatever he's doing on his phone and just not pick up the conversation again.. this happens DAILY.
He seems annoyed at me all the time, and likewise. We've just got awful auras around each other.
The only time he'll want to cuddle or show any affection is when he wants sex.
I'm just so fed up with it all, talking about it to each other doesn't work. But I really want our relationship to work.
The thought of staying in a relationship like this is really daunting to me

He won't change so I agree that you need to look at your options. Would being on your own with the children be better or worse? Can you afford to split and live separately? It won't be easy to find romance with 2 very young children to prioritise. I'd give yourself time to enjoy your new baby and when life has settled a bit do some serious, practical thinking - you've got a lot of love to give but Mr Right may be elusive so concentrate on how you'd cope as a single parent. Good luck.

This does sound really hard. It’s difficult to know how much of it is what happens when you have small children (and it does - everyone is more irritable!) and how much of it is that the relationship has run its course. But you do have two small children and it is surely worth talking to him to see whether you can work on the problem.

The constantly being on phone/devices and not being arsed to engage in conversation would drive me nuts. It's so rude! Plus going weeks without so much as a peck on the cheek is not a sign of a healthy, loving relationship. Can you honestly see it changing though, if you gave him an ultimatum? You've already said talking about it doesn't work – maybe you're just incompatible, that you need to be with someone more open and he needs to be with someone who doesn't mind being ignored? Also, you said he's never engaged when he's with us which sounds as though he's not bothering with the kids either. I think that would be the deal breaker for me.

However I wouldn't do anything drastic just yet - you've got a three-week-old baby so your hormones must be all over the place and if you're going to light the touch paper, knowing it might end your relationship, you need to be thinking clearly. But, to coin that well worn MN phrase, I'd start getting your ducks in a row.

Do you love him still? Deep down do you think he loves you? What was it you appreciated about him at the beginning?

I'm happily married to a lovely man and the only time I've ever thought I didn't want to be with him was when we had very young DC like yours. It puts such a strain on a marriage, even a good one. And you've had covid to deal with too! Please don't make any decisions about this for the next few months. Keep talking to him. Fingers crossed for you OP.

It’s a shame you’re not married as that would give you financial stability.
Can ask if you own your house and if you do is your name on the deeds ?
Do you have a joint account and do either of you have your own account ?
Are you on mat leave or do you not work ?
Do you have supportive family ?

Have you tried sitting him down and telling him how offensive it is that is always engaged with his phone/gaming and you need him to be much more present?

In your case I would ask him for three signs of affection every day:

Kiss you in the morning and before bed
At least one proper hug
Acknowledge you in one other way

Start there. You sound surrounded by children, and grinding exhaustion. Try to make space for some time for you both, this might not be possible with a newborn, but in a few months. He needs to be more affectionate and loving, you need to also be the same towards him - start there.

How hard have you both worked on it? When kids are involved you owe it to them to know you've tried all you can.

I think you have rose tinted glasses tbh. I think you describe most relationships with young children. It's a very busy time of life and sometimes kisses and cuddles fall by the wayside in place of practicalities and function.

But it's it very important to you, then I would see if couples counselling could help.

I wouldn’t make a decision like that when your kids are so young. Children put a huge, huge strain on relationships. It’s a long slog.

You might find as they get older, you find each other again and things get better.

Sorry to hear this OP. You deserve a loving relationship if thags what you crave. You said its been like this for 4 years but you have a 3 year old. So even before you had the kids he wasn't great.

If you could afford to start over, that's what I would do. Unless he is committed to showing you the affection and communication you rightfully deserve

Thank you for your comments!
It's opened my eyes, I do believe as horrible as it sounds that the children put a big strain on it. Maybe it'll get better once they're a little older?
I'm going to talk to him this morning and see what he says.
I believe he does still love me, despite the lack of love he gives me.
Asking for a kiss in the morning is the smallest of things but I think it'd make a big difference! When he tries it does make me feel so much better.
I don't think we both try enough to be honest, so I am reluctant to end it knowing that we can try harder if we put our minds to it? Little things like a date night once a month (post covid obviously), a cuddle every now and then!
I'm not saying this is all him, I'm the same.. sometimes he wants to cuddle on the sofa but because he's done something during the day that will of annoyed me I'll tell him no! I need to learn to not sweat the small things too I guess.
The main issue for me is his ignorance towards his life in front of him (our business, our kids, ME) when he's on his Xbox, phone or whatever.. just completely ignores us. Also has to be asked a million times to do something because he 'forgets' as he's so engaged on his games. His priorities are all wrong, and I'm not entirely sure if that'll change 😞

Does he play Xbox during the day when you're trying to cope with the children???? If so, that's really not on. My OH is a gamer but he only plays late evening, when our DC is in bed and when I've had an early night, because most of the games aren't appropriate for small kids to view! If his Xbox addiction is part of the problem with him checking out during the day, I'd be telling him no gaming while the kids are around.

I'd be telling him no gaming while the kids are around.

Because becoming his mum is really going to bring the sexy back..

@BubblyBarbara

I'd be telling him no gaming while the kids are around.

Because becoming his mum is really going to bring the sexy back..

I’d say him checking out of family life to be on his Xbox constantly is a bigger issue right now.

But does he show u love in small ways. Making a cup of tea, buying your fav chops when he nips to the shops etc. Its the small things I find after being married for a long time that show u live someone. Not the hand holding and the kissing