To be so upset and devastated comjng out of a short but intense abusive relationship

[lisalisa]

I posted a while ago about my confusion with a short long distance relationship. Unfortunately I chose to continue it for a while until finally I got to spk to one if his ex wives who told me if the abuse she had suffered in a very short two week marriage .
Much of what she said mirrored my experience including the lovely things he’d said to her , the things he’d told her and the way he’d been with her . The horror of what came after the love bombing however gave me sudden clarity like a cold shower and I ended it Wednesday . Since then I haven’t been able to stop crying and whereas before I was reasonably content on my own ( divorced recentky after a 27 yr marriage ) I now feel really lonely and alone . Lockdown doesn’t help . Feel like going back to him
even though I know I can’t and won’t . Just looking for words of comfort really and reassurance that eventually I’ll forget him and move on

Anyone ?

Of course you will! Absolutely. 100%. You a grieving for what you thought you had. It takes time but no way in the world will you be feeling this way this time next year. You will be totally over it.

On the other hand, if you remained in the relationship you’d be feeling MUCH worse this time next year as he’d be abusing you, destroying your self esteem and you’d be struggling more to extract yourself from the relationship because of all the memories you had built up.

Think of all the possibilities OP, you could be in a wonderful relationship by then. Well done for making a difficult but sensible choice and for taking care of yourself

I agree with @OlympicProcrastinator. Well done on thinking with your head and not your heart.

Think of him like a drug / nicotine. You know it’s bad for you and could potentially cause you great harm or even end your life. So you decide to quit but your life feels empty and meaningless at first because you don’t have that high anymore.

You don’t know how to focus on anything because your whole life has revolved around your next hit. You get emotional or even physical withdrawal symptoms, which are unpleasant.

But once you are clean and free from your addiction, your life is better . You are free to make your own choices and good decisions. There’s space in your life for good things / people .

You just have get through the withdrawal. Then do some work on yourself to understand why you got sucked into such an unhealthy situation in the first place.

Have you done the Freedom Programme @lisalisa? Many MNers have found it extremely helpful.

Thank you both @S00LA and @OlympicProcrastinator so much and this is exactly what I felt - on a high and an addict to his sweet words and charisma . After our FaceTimes which would often be for 2 hours or more I felt half hypnotised . Certainly not in my usual state - I couldn’t eat or carry on my day whilst we were dating . I was desparate for the next call . And the withdrawal is exactly that - physical and emotional symptoms . I keep shaking and feeling sick and crying and missing him so bad that even though he’s abusive I want to call him and beg him to explain these bad references and make it all better . I can’t or won’t though . I haven’t heard of the freedom programme @S00LA what is it about ?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It’s run all over the UK and it’s usually free. It helps you make sense of what happened , otherwise you are at risk of falling for another abuser, just a different type.

It’s better to join a group if you can but who knows when they will be running again.

The Freedom programme is brilliant. It helps women spot the signs of abuse, explains what behaviours should be considered abusive behaviours and shows you how to deal with them.

S00LA is 100% correct about it being very much like drug or alcohol addiction. You must ride out the ‘cold turkey’ stage. If you give in your life will get worse, not better, you will still need to go through the stage you are at now but it will be later, more difficult and hurt a whole lot more.

If you contact him he will tell you what you want to hear and because you are at vulnerable stage you are more likely to get pulled back in. Don’t do it. Come here and talk, Google the Freedom Programme, put on a good film, go for a walk, do whatever you need to do to distract yourself instead of making that fateful call.

You can do this 💪💪

Yes you will. A feeling I had after a recent relationship I ended was total and utter defeat, I'd never ever flet it before. You'll move on from it.

This is absolutely to be expected @lisalisa, but the addiction references are right, it’s painful but it will pass and you’ll see how better life is without the abuse.

Please congratulate yourself for getting out as quickly and cleanly as you did. Many don’t. They waste years spent in abject misery, fear, and hopelessness. Or they die.

You know who is is, you know he would only have brought you suffering, he could have hurt or even killed you.

You’re a strong woman, and a wise one. I lost 10 years to my ex. I regret ever even swapping numbers with him. He had no right to do/say the things he did, and they left marks on my soul somehow

Living well is the best revenge, and in that I have utterly dropped the mic, even if he’ll never know

You will get through this. We’re all here for you whenever you need us.

Can I pls let out here in safety what he did and what I went through ? I have talked in real life to friends but some of it I’m deeply ashamed of and can’t tell them

Of course you can! It’s a safe anonymous place and as the lovely ladies who have replied have shown, you will receive support.