Aibu to ‘confront’ DM?

[NoTetherLeft]

(Name changed because this is definitely outing to anyone who knows our family but have tried to be as vaguely clear as possible!)

My parents own a business together. DM doesn’t really want to do it / nothing DF does is ever enough, although I know first hand he does almost all of it. DM had never had a career before this (was a teen mum, then sahm for 20 years with us all) and I think she struggles with the lack of freedom, although in normal times she is prone to leaving DF to do the work while she goes out for the day etc.

DF has recently had a major health scare and is currently on indefinite bed rest while they figure out what it is and how to treat it. He is very unwell and we thought we’d lost him.

It’s totally escalated DM’s behaviour but it genuinely doesn’t seem to be fear of losing him - she was just annoyed he had to stay in hospital and kept moaning about how she’d have to work on her own.

One of my siblings and their family live with my parents. All week I’ve had streams of heartbreaking messages from my sibling about how awful DM has been, making digs at dad, telling all in the house how useless they are, lots of shouting (I actually walked past the house the other day and could hear her screaming) etc. DM also spent three hours this week on the phone basically corroborating everything I’d been told. She should have been working during hothead calls and I was also working and had to hang up to get her to stop. Her view is she couldn’t cope and didn’t know why but the only thing making her day worse was because she didn’t want to deal with the small issue which could have been fixed in 10 seconds. When I pointed that out, I was then screamed at instead.

Other times she won’t ever say what the actual problem is, makes issues out of non issues, tantrums like a petulant child (literally, throwing stuff, stamping feet etc) and makes out that she works harder than anyone else. Essentially, she’s currently raging because she is actually having to work instead of hiding in the kitchen drinking coffee while DF does it all.

I’m terrified for her, its all the behaviour I was brought up with x1000 but I’m also terrified she’s going to send my DF (they’re only mid-50s) to an early grave by forcing him back to work when he really isn’t well enough to be doing anything right now. It’s like she merely sees his illness in terms of how it’s inconvenient to her.

Aibu to think this goes beyond normal behaviour and issue her an ultimatum (about what I don’t know) about seeing an actual mental health professional? At this point I think we need a diagnosis/treatment plan. Or do I just tell her that at her age she really does need to grow up and I
take a step back?

I doubt mental health services would even take her on.And the only way to be referred these days is via a GP.

Sorry, not much help...

It doesn’t sound like normal behaviour to me. At the very least she sounds selfish as the worst she sounds like she might have some trait that makes her totally lack empathy or understanding of others needs.

I couldn’t put up with being shouted at.

Not sure what to suggest for the best as clearly them having a business together makes the situation quite messy. Could you dad live with you for a while so he can recover away from her?

@AIMD

It doesn’t sound like normal behaviour to me. At the very least she sounds selfish as the worst she sounds like she might have some trait that makes her totally lack empathy or understanding of others needs.

I couldn’t put up with being shouted at.

Not sure what to suggest for the best as clearly them having a business together makes the situation quite messy. Could you dad live with you for a while so he can recover away from her?

There’s a complete emotional disconnect. She’s very quick to anger if she perceives someone else has a problem because she can only view it in how it might hypothetically affect her. Or if someone says something negative, she’ll bring it up obsessively for weeks.

As for dad, I’ve tried to say come to us but he’s worried about leaving my sibling on their own to deal with her.

Is it a younger sibling at home?

Does your dad want to be in a relationship with her still? She sounds abusive and like you have all put up with it for a long time. Might it be time for him to consider breaking up. Obviously no one wants to suggest that to their parents, but it doesn’t sound like there is much good to hold on to.

I would personally try to engage with her as little as possible and try to give little response to the things she says and does.

Yes, younger sibling but a married 30 year old, her husband and their children. They want to move out, mum completely freaks when they try and it’s cultivated an awful dynamic. She moans that they’re there, then worries about how she’ll cope with life without them.

Dad would never leave her. They’ve been inseparable since early teens. When she’s on good form, she’s great. But her outbursts are unpredictable and have become more frequent in recent years.

There’s a lot from our childhood she forgets but I think that’s because although she was a sahm she was mostly absent. Eg she didn’t do school runs (used to sleep til 10), parent evenings, bed times, cooking etc.

Maybe I should give some examples of the everyday issues.

Mum needs to post a letter. Mum won’t put a stamp on the letter but will go on and on that dad hasn’t put a stamp on the letter. He’ll give her a stamp. She’ll then go on and on that no one has posted her letter.

To her, they should 1. Know she wants them to do this without her ever saying it and 2. She shouldn’t have to post the letter because someone else can do it.

Wow sounds like your mum has a huge hold over your sister. From your previous post I assumed you were talking about a teen sibling not a married adult with kids. I think you and your sister should encourage your dad to stay with you and she’ll have to try and manage the best she can with tour mum. Sounds like he needs rest and that needs to be prioritised. Clearly that won’t happen in the house with your mum.

Would she go to a Gp? Could there be an underlying cause to more frequent outbursts?

As an adult, the sibling at home should stand up for themselves/family - at 30, its hardly your role to have to look out for them.
Try and persuade your father to come to you to convalesce/recuperate.
Mid 50s is no age at all for your mother not to be working - but if she's not going to pull her weight, and your Father is likely to be sick long term, maybe time to give it up.
(And parents downsizing if giving up the business might give your sibling reason to leave home and support themselves)

Learned helplessness . Its rubbish & I feel for you. Someone has always 'done it for her' so now she's spiralling because her default pattern for dealing with life isn't available & independence isn't her thing. Can your sibling hang on a while longer til you can sort your Dad's issues? Theres nothing you can do. I effectively became the adult when my Dad passed . I was 19. My DM didn't even know how to write a cheque . I did everything: the funeral, the bank re the money etc etc. I found her a job, helped her find another house & then find her birth mother. All while in the middle of my degree. I suppose it was character building ( trying to find the silver lining). She'd never admit her failure to step up, she's no self awareness. Neither has your DM .