Worried

[teiryou]

I'm new here but could really do with some advice

My grandson is 18 tomorrow and lives with us as his mum left him with her ex when he was about 6 (now he refuses to see her) and our son (his dad) passed away a few weeks before he turned 9 due to suicide. when we first told him about his dad he didn't really understand but then he started to understand as his primary school worked with him etc. Anyway then we got full custody of him and he seemed fine (missed his dad obviously as they were really close)

Anyway fast forward to a few years ago when he was 15 he told his form tutor that his head was messed up and that it was his fault his dad passed away (it wasn't and not sure why he blamed himself). He had counselling in school and we supported him etc.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago he started being quiet I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing he was just tired as he had so much work (he's doing his alevels this year). He then had to isolate because he was in contact with someone who tested positive for covid and it ends next week. This week he's been quiet again and he's seemed quite down but he said he's just bored and told me to stop pestering him.

Husband has just seen some messages he's sent to his friend (he uses husband's iCloud) and he was saying how he hates life and missed his dad so much and his friend told him to talk to me or someone else as we'd be able to help and he said no he's ok

Now im not sure what to do as he struggles alot when it's his birthday or Christmas and especially with self isolating and lockdown so I know tomorrow he probably won't be happy anyway so I'm just so worried

Any Advice will be appreciated

Are you worried about his mental health? This has been such a crap year that him feeling low is entirely understandable and even without his personal history this year is a particularly sh*t year to have a milestone birthday so I wouldn't read too much into it unless he's given you an indication that there's something to worry about.
Do you think he'd talk to you about it if he WAS really struggling?

Yes I'm worried about his mental health and I don't think he would tell me I think he'd talk to his cousin as he has in the past but I've spoken to him and he hasn't said anything

Can you ask the cousin to come round and spend time with him. Not specifically to talk with him just to play some computer games or order a take ways, just connect with him.

Is he able to meet up with a friend for a walk or do something to keep him active.

It’s such a hard time at the moment with all that is going on. It sounds like he had quick a lot happen in his life for a young lad too!

I would keep a close eye on him. It's tricky right now because he's got lots of good reason to feel down, lonely and bored. The main thing I would be looking out for is sustained, dramatic changes to his behaviour. If he always struggles around his birthday I would monitor the situation and see if his mood improves once his birthday has passed. Maybe give him control of the day tomorrow - even if it means he doesn't want to celebrate.

Can you do something to commemorate his dad? Visit the graveside. Tell him about how much his dad doted on him. It’s maybe better to talk about it than to left him sort of gloss over it.

He spends a lot of time with his cousin and they also text. Tomorrow he is in control and he said he doesn't really want to celebrate and we've said that's fine. We do talk about his dad and say how proud he would be of him etc