to tell someone very kind but literal that he comes across quite patronising

[yellowhighheels]

I have met a man through my volunteering at his place of work who has become a friend and mentor in my planned career change (a hard course to get onto). He is very senior so I value his work advice.

He's a very kind guy but extremely literal in how he interprets things I say to him, if I omit anything, he will assume I haven't thought of it. His subsequent comments can feel patronising.

For instance, he advised me to go on a course to help with the selection interviews for the course; a good suggestion. He later asked how I was getting on finding one. I said I had found one that looked good and the person I spoke to sounded knowledgeable. Hence a several pages long message about how it wasn't how they sounded but how suitable the course was. Obviously I know this but all the courses online look pretty much of a muchness and there aren't many reviews to go on so it would just be a question of picking one. It's just for a bit of extra confidence really as I have done my own prep.

This is just one example.

Knowing that he is keen to be friends (we're not that different in age, it would be my second career), WIBU to politely point out how I sometimes feel a bit patronised and shouted down by him? I know he does care and has been a great help.

Obv not my place to start diagnosing anyone but I know a literal way of thinking can be linked to ASD. I don't know if he has this and its not my business but assuming he might, would it be hurtful or helpful to hear this? Or should I just accept he is like this?

If he was just a mentor I would leave it but it's the fact that we also get on. I don't really enjoy long conversations having to explain myself on things like this when I am a pretty functional adult who knows how to make decisions, but similarly don't like to leave conversations as 'yes, thanks' when he has just lectured me on something I was well aware of.

I have a few boundaries issues across my personal life and it's this kind of thing that sometimes leaves me wondering whether I am being unreasonable or not.

YABU: do not mention anything
YANBU: mention it

I know a couple of people like this, in my experience, saying something would just hurt their feelings. I don't think they mean to be patronising, they just don't fill in the gaps in conversation. Saying that, as this chap is mentoring you, maybe he feels a bit anxious and wants to be sure he has covered everything, so if you don't say something he feels he has to bring it up just in case you aren't aware of it.

Just adding - I don't think I do this, but I train people at work and often feel I'm walking a fine line between leaving out stuff that seems obvious to me, and telling someone something that seems really obvious to them.

He sounds like a mansplainer. I would be honest with him but then I’m quite bolshy.

A mentor isn't a friend. His role is to advise. You could give him the feedback that he is almost 'micromanaging' (though maybe more gently) rather than giving advice. Suggest he should phrase things more as questions to encourage a two way discussion of your progress.

But it's not a friendship, it's his role.

Maybe he's just over compensating, wanting to mentor you and worrying about missing anything out?

My FIL is a massive over explainer, very long dull conversations about things he thinks wouldn't have occurred to me often in quite a patronising way. It's frustrating, I often have to cut him off and say 'yeah I've already thought of that' or 'it's not possible to lets move on' and try and change subject. But it's not easy and hints are rarely taken on board.
So looking out for tips from any knowledgable MNers

Thanks everyone, sorry D4rwin I wasn't clear (maybe he has a point ) the mentoring role is informal, something he has offered himself, not organised by the voluntary workplace. I just mean that he has been a great source of advice and guidance also shadowing and we discuss my application, entry exam, future plans a lot as he is keen to help me get in.

That said, I think he does take it seriously as he mentors junior colleagues a lot.

You might spoil a good and useful relationship if you say something directly.

This is the way that he is. You can accept this without being dragged into long explanations or justifying your words. If he sends a long email about a literal interpretation of 'sounds good' then you can just ignore that part of the email and discuss the other points. He is compelled to over explain, but you don't need to play along and humour every word. Life works better when you pick your battles. Asking someone to change their personality is never going to work, you'll both end up feeling bad about it.

He's just trying to advise you on something that you know little about and he knows a lot about. He was right to say it's not just about the course leader, it's the content of the course.
And the autism statement was ridiculous.

I agree with the the above, don't run the risk of damaging a potentially useful contact. He is taking his mentor role seriously - perhaps too seriously but it does sound as if he is putting in the effort - i.e. researching the course you chose.

It may be grating but learn what you can and it's not as if he is a close friend, boyfriend or family member.

Good luck OP

Good points from posters that he may be being thorough and not want to miss anything out, thanks.

And Franco that makes really good sense, I think i'll go with that approach, thank you. It would be a shame to cause offence when he's been so helpful and kind. Also, it would be a pretty big change to ask him to make as he does do this a lot, even when not talking about work.

If we stay in touch (I hope we do), I can maybe have another think how to head off the excessive explaining if he still comes across like this when our relationship is purely social.

Thanks Catflap yes, I do really appreciate his time and input, I am lucky to have this. I think the conversation about the course just pushed my buttons a bit but he definitely wanted to help so I'll just keep this in mind!

I wouldn’t, if he’s doing you a favour. If you know his intentions are good and he’s just not expressing himself perfectly, I think it would be churlish to tell him.

Whatever you decide to do, in the name of all that is holy do not suggest to him that he is autistic, which you have decided on the basis of half a dozen slightly over-involved conversation. That's not going to end well.

Probably best not to mention it. He’s not doing it on purpose, it’s just the way he is. Maybe you don’t get on as well as you think you do?
Best to accept people as they are, not try to change them to meet your needs. Work on being a bit more tolerant. This isn’t about boundaries imo - it would be about boundaries if he was doing this on purpose or was trying to control you or take advantage of you. But it isn’t this, it’s just an aspect of his personality that annoys you.

Thanks Lonny and Silverstripe.

Agreed. I would never do that, its none of my business if he has autism, I only mentioned it on here as a consideration in case that is behind his behaviours and how it might affect him to be criticised for them if it was the case. There have been countless other examples.

I appreciate everyone's advice and will definitely leave it, and try not to take it personally in future.

To be honest, I was a bit pissed off earlier after the course-related messages hence posting but actually, he's a well meaning guy who i respect highly in a professional sense who's helping me when he doesn't have to. There are worse traits than coming across a bit patronising!

i think some pointed "well yeah, obviously, that goes without saying" might help

Whether it is ASD or personality, he is not likely to be able to change but he could be upset if you mention it. However, you are aware of it so you can control how you react to it. I agree with FrancoBranco; ignore whatever you cannot accept. He apparently has good intentions, regardless of his literal interpretations, and the relevant parts of his conversations are helpful to you. Kindness comes in many forms.

I know people like this. They are often are excessively kind & generous in most respects. They like folk being direct & factual with them. I'd tell him.

The thing is, we all have our quirks that some people find frustrating and others find endearing.

Personally, I find it works better to just accept people as they are and work with that, aligning my style with them so we can relate better, and not getting upset over our differences or trying to change or control them. Let moments of frustration at their quirks wash over you - it's a temporary feeling that doesn't need to disrupt your relationship.

I appreciate the people in my life accepting my quirks, and I accept theirs. I don't position myself as the arbiter of how they should/should not interact or be, and I'd be hurt if they felt they could treat me that way. It doesn't need to cause conflict unless you choose that path. And anyway, it would be boring if we all behaved identically!

If he was actually being patronising I might respond differently, but what I'm reading is that because of your own internal workings and perspective you feel patronised. There are other ways to deal with uncomfortable emotions than trying to change / control other people's behaviour or transferring your discomfort onto them by causing hurt.

Kindness comes in many forms. Thats a lovely way to see it.

User I see what you mean and doubtless my responses do play a part. However, in my defence, I have to say I think most people would feel patronised when faced with this level of over explanation (reams and reams, regularly) rather than this being me wishing to control his behaviour based on something perceived out of nowhere. But as I say, I don't want to upset someone helping me or burn a bridge so I will leave it.

Hmm. I think you'd certainly be unreasonable to quietly stew over it.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing though - don't go assuming that he just thinks you're ignorant. His intent may well be simply to politely raise an aspect to check you're both on the same page regarding its relevance. In a mentor this is appropriate, but it needs to be done subtly.

Depends how he's phrasing it though - obviously he could just be a bit of a dick. If I were you I'd raise it by acknowledging that it's good to make sure you're both looking at all of the same page, as it were, but his phrasing's getting on your nerves a bit cos it feels a bit like he's implying you're daft.

Or else play him at his own game. Tell him that there are many factors determining the suitability of the course, and your perception of the course facilitators is one of them, and that just because your preferred course isn't tailored to his biases doesn't mean it's inherently unsuitable.

Point out when he's transgressing the boundaries of his own roles and going into mentor-mode, basically.