AIBU to be a bit bewildered by my friend?

[Dramaqueenfriend]

NC as identifying. I’m just a bit bewildered.
I received a message from a close friend this evening which was basically an essay saying that she was disappointed that she’d seen on social media that I’d made other plans with my friends this weekend to meet them out for a meal and drinks (where I live, we are not in lockdown) and, as it’s my birthday weekend and she is my ‘best’ friend, I should have made plans with her.

1. I’d arranged to meet with friends from a separate friendship group who I haven’t seen for months.
2. One of my friends in the group treated me to the night out as a birthday present- she organised, arranged and paid.
3. I saw the ‘offended friend last weekend and I’m seeing her next weekend so I don’t know what the issue is?

Please tell me this is as immature as I believe it is? I’m just a bit wtf?

AIBU to be completely bewildered by her upset? Or am I horrible for having plans with other people?

In the instance you've explained YANBU. You're allowed a separate life from here and separate friends. It would have be entirely different had you had all been from the same friendship group and she'd have been excluded.
Social Media is a bloody curse.

Needy AF.

I don't think 'best friends' are self-appointed.

This all sounds very young?

Is she usually like this? If not, like many people she may be feeling down and depressed at the moment, and projecting that feeling of dissatisfaction onto your friendship

@Awwlookatmybabyspider Yes, exactly. If she had been excluded from our usual social group, then I think she’d have every right to feel upset. However, I had plans with a totally separate group to her- more mutual friends with me & DH.

@grassisjeweled My thoughts exactly, which is why I’m baffled. She’s 31 not 13 ffs.

@Chocaholic9 That is a fair point- these times are making people act in a very strange way. She must be feeling pretty low in general to be making such a fuss out of something so stupid. Unless I’m missing something glaring, which I don’t think I am.

Weird behaviour. You've done nothing wrong.

In fairness, if you are in the UK, perhaps she is struggling with lock down and is focusing on stuff that wouldn't normally be an issue.

I'd be finding a new "best" friend. She sounds unhinged.

I think it is strange behaviour from your friend. I wonder if she is hurt that you didn't tell her about your plans this weekend when you saw her last weekend? Maybe it is more finding out on social media that has upset her. Not that you have done anything wrong at all, but that might be it? Does she have many other friends?

It probably depends a little on context. Do you usually meet up for birthdays to the point it feels almost like a tradition? In those circumstances, I can understand why she might be a bit upset.

@Crustmasiscoming That has to be why. I feel like there’s no other explanation for it.

@Aquamarine1029 Unhinged behaviour, definitely. She’s normally fine which is why this is so bizarre and why I wondered if I was getting something wrong to have upset her.

Obviously, I want to be understanding if she’s struggling at the moment but I also don’t appreciate being told who to spend my time with. I suppose I need to strike the balance between ‘Wtf are you on about’ and ‘are you ok’ in my reply

@OutwiththeOutCrowd Not for my birthday. I mean, sometimes we’ve met up for a meal or drinks or something in the past but it’s not a given.
It’s interesting that you’ve said that, though, as we always mark the occasion when it’s her birthday. Her birthday’s always on a bank holiday so she holds a yearly ‘event’. Perhaps she prioritises it differently to me and that might be why she’s hurt.

@MorbidMuch Again, good point. She knew I had plans this weekend but not specifics so perhaps that’s why she’s upset. She does have lots of other friends and regularly does things with them, though. She also has a DP and a pretty lovely life.
She has found it difficult not being able to travel this year though as she goes abroad at least once every 6 or so weeks. Again, perhaps this contributing to her mood.

With everything you explained here, I would text her back with a kind message that it was a surprise birthday gift, you’re sorry she’s upset snd you had no input into the invitation list. You’re looking forward to seeing her next weekend.

Thanks @Mummyoflittledragon I have replied with something along those lines now. Hope that’ll make her feel better.

I had this with a friend once and found out later she was in the throes of quite bad depression at the time.

While she is being unreasonable here it shows why you shouldn’t put your social plans/pictures into social media. Anyone who isn’t invited is only going to feel on the outside and not pleased for you. The message comes across as ‘I am having so much fun with my fun friends’ and it makes other people feel bad even though most of them wouldn’t say anything and would know that they had no need to feel like this.

I might be a bit hurt in those circumstances - when you explain it of course you have done nothing wrong. But having seen you our for your birthday on FB (or whatever) I might feel you arranged a birthday night out without including me....you didn't explain the week before - so it would feel deliberately..... whether that is justified or not is by the by - but people can't help how they feel.

I hope you and she sort this out.

@SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun Hmm, although I agree that social media causes a whole host of issues with people feeling left out etc., I don’t think it’s fair to expect others not to post things that they want to (so long as it’s legal, inoffensive etc.) There is a ‘hide’ button for people to click if they don’t want to see posts. I’ve hidden posts about pregnancy in the past because I’m having fertility issues and I found it upsetting. That was my issue, not my pregnant friends’ problem, so I did something about it. Arguably, that type of specific action wouldn’t have worked on this occasion but I also don’t want to feel like I can’t post a photo with another friend for fear of upsetting someone else. I don’t know many people (my friend included) who don’t document social occasions on social media (perhaps that’s just a wider issue with society though- why do we feel the need to over share etc etc. but I can’t be arsed to get into that )

@ReadWritePlay Food for thought- I will definitely be more gentle with her, in case that’s the real issue. It’s clearly such a massive overreaction that she can’t be very happy right now.

@Mumdiva99 Thankyou. Yes, I can see why that might be upsetting. Perhaps she felt it was more of an ‘event’ than it actually was.

Of course you can post anything you like and it could be argued that anything will make other people feel bad. Pregnancy as you say, nice holiday that someone else can’t afford, weight loss success when someone else is struggling, beautiful scenery when someone else feels a bit boxed in.

Why do we do it. As a record for ourselves? To share news with others? To stay in contact with old friends? I do think that we need to be a bit careful and think about how other people who are reading it will feel.