To feel worn out and resentful

[MaggieMagpie1]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years and married for 10.

When we first got together he had very little money. Self employed with an online business that wasn't doing very well. I didn't have a very well paid job at the time either, so we were pretty broke but managed to make things work. Over the years, he's always been self employed and has had varying amounts of success. I've always worked full time in the public sector, so not brilliantly paid, but It's got better as time has gone on and I'm now on reasonable money.

I have always supported him financially, there have been times where I've paid all living expenses (we're lucky enough to live in a reasonably priced area) and even supported his business when needed. During this time, as he was incredibly stressed by his work life, I took over all housework and cooking too. This happened up until the middle of 2019, when things eventually began to improve for him and now he's begun to contribute to our expenses and housework etc. equally.

We have a lovely relationship in the main, we have a great laugh and we're very loving and affectionate. We don't have any DC.

Over the last few months I've become really anxious. It's a mixture of past trauma coupled with work (FH) becoming busier and busier and more pressured. I've seen my GP and a counsellor. I was given medication a couple of months ago and signed off work last week as everything has just become too much to cope with all at once. I was diagnosed with GAD in my twenties (I'm in my forties now).

To add to the difficulties, his DF is in hospital 200 miles away and it looks like he might have to go into long term care.

The problem is that I don't feel supported. There always seems to be something else that's more important than me. It could be the business, or his family and it's always expected I'll support him. I'm so tired after such a horrible year as well as beginning to resent all the financial and emotional support I've provided over the years. (I'm very aware how horrible that sounds)

On the other hand I'm not very good at asking for help, or expressing when I'm upset or afraid, as I dread people's reactions or becoming a burden, so it could be I'm just not saying or doing the right things. Or thinking he's expecting me to continue supporting him when he's not really.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he might be being a bit more supportive or do I have to work out another way?

Sometimes it's just a case of people don't think.

I had this with my dp at the start he thought nothing of just coming in from work sitting his butt down and expecting me to sort tea do the washing and everything thing else but like you i didn't ask for the help and would become resentful over it. We had a big blow up one day and he said but you never ask.

Some people just have to be asked even when you are thinking to yourself I shouldn't have to ask, I don't ask if you need any help I just do it but not everyone has the same mentality.

I hope you resolve this good luck op

You are definitely not unreasonable to need and want support from your partner, regardless of your past dynamics, however in this case you have been his support and rock for so many years that yes, it’s totally understandable that when it’s not being returned you will feel resentful.

I would say it is possible he doesn’t realise just what you need, if you’ve spent years playing the strong capable lead then it’s likely you aren’t really showing or saying what you need. It’s very hard to show vulnerability when you’re scared of being a burden.

It’s one thing if he doesn’t offer support when you speak up but if you don’t make it clear then you can’t really be angry - some people are as thick as wood when it comes to emotions. Talk to him, tell him you need help and need him.

You can only really know if he’s able to step up if you ask him to (in an ideal world we wouldn’t have to ask - but in reality we usually do)

You need support from him.

But have you actually explained what you need from him.

Sometimes when someone is normally really good at coping other people don’t always see that the need things.

Also is it practical support or emotional support

I agree he should support you more, just as you have him in the past. But before getting resentful, I would make sure you have sat him down and explained very clearly why you need him and how, as it may not be as obvious as you think.

If after this he still isn’t supporting you, then that’s a different thread...

I think you have both got into the habit of you being the strong one and him being the one that takes support. Like any habit first you have to realise it's a habit then want to change it then put in work. Ideally he should be on the same page as you but as he is not, I do think you will have to step up and tell him you want some support and be quite specific about the type of support. He may think you're fine because you've had GAD etc for a long time and coped well so far. He may think it's just Corona virus down in the dumps and things will revert back to normal next year. He may think he is giving you support but in a different way to the support you need. Talk to him.

When I am going through something I talk to my husband and he either tries to come up with solutions, or comes up with meaningless platitudes like 'everything will be fine', or tries to 'fix' it some other way and then if he can't, he will just stay silent and ignore the problem. I have had to tell him that what I want normally is sympathy, someone to say 'oh that sounds really rubbish, poor you!' while giving me a big cuddle. It's just the type of person he is, he is practical rather than emotional and doesn't mean he doesnt want to be supportive or doesn't care. It might just be something like that

"I took over all the housework & cooking"

You need to sit down & discuss sharing the chores

SeeSawSwing1235 That evened out in the middle of last year too, sorry if my post wasn't clear.

I understand that I need to get better at asking for help, he's not a mind reader. I just don't know if I can cope with any more "work" right now when I'm feeling like I'm just about holding on by my fingertips at times.