Is there any recovering alcoholics on here - apologies for asking - I would really appreciate advice...

[squeakiness]

I would be really grateful for some insight if anyone is willing and happy to share if they manage to get through the full OP...
Any family members willing to give their experience would be really appreciated as well.

My parents are functioning alcoholics and if has been going on for around 8 years now although there has been signs and stints beforehand for years especially from my DFs side.
My DF is quite obvious and my DM is much much better at hiding it and pulling herself together last min if she has to.
DBro has lived with them up until recently and told me about DF hiding bottles and cans all over the house. DBro would find a bottle of vodka in a random drawer in a spare room and then 2-3 days later the same bottle will still be there but empty.
DBro has had an awful time living with them over the past few years and has gone LC with them since he moved out. I have two young DCs/partner and house of my own and 50million things to do and generally try to keep my distance and don't leave DCs with them unsupervised.

My DM massively downplays my DFs drinking and I know I will never get the full picture, I also have it on very reliable account that she was told she shouldn't be drinking at all by her GP after some tests about a year or two ago but I can't reveal that I know without putting the person present at the time in hot water. Either way, she ignored it.

My DF flits between sometimes admitting the problem and sometimes flat out denying it even getting verbally aggressive to my DBro about it. They have both been emotionally and mentally abusive to my DBro to various extents. Probably to me too in some ways but they would be outraged and upset if that was ever pointed out. They are a toxic mix and tend to reaffirm each other's conspiracy theories (about the people around them) and other opinions. I could sit here and list all the behaviours all night if I wanted to.
But at the end of the day they are my parents and I am very conflicted about the situation. I'm concerned they are wrecking their health. They have been spoken to countless of times by my DGPs (who don't live in this country), and my DBro. There's been lots of promises from my DF to stop and it never last more than a week.
I don't know if I should try and get involved more, if I should try and help. But I know as soon as I do I will become the emotional crutch, and IF they do agree to try I will be the one that would have to sort everything out and arrange meetings and try to meet their requirements.
I know it sounds very selfish but I don't know if I can take on that kind of responsibility.

If you have been there and managed to recover can I ask what helped? Was it family or was it yourself?
And how did you do it?
If they decided to take steps towards recovery how can I support them without falling down the rabbit hole and becoming completely enmeshed?
I would really appreciate any and all insight.

DH is an alcoholic and it took a nervous breakdown to stop him drinking. He got help for depression through his work. Sober for 4 years and then drank again for 4 yrs. Nothing I could do to stop him apart from lock him out when he went out and refuse to let him in when he came home drunk (to protect me and DC more than anything). Made him sleep at his parents who are also alcoholics. He had a really bad binge a year ago and has stopped drinking since. He’s always teetering on the edge and wanting a drink. There’s nothing I can do to help, it’s in his hands

Read the al anon website and try to find a meeting.

They won't stop drinking unless they are ready, you are completely powerless. Take a giant step back.

It is not your problem to fix, do not get involved. I got sober when I was ready to do it for me.

I second the suggestion to find an al anon meeting. They're intended for friends and families of alcoholics and will show you how to step away without anger, resentment or guilt.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic, he has been for as long as my siblings and I remember (so at least 40/45 years).

You need to step back. They won't change unless they choose to. You can't make them change, you can't influence their behaviour. Leave them to it and get on with your own life.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. My dad has fairly long ish sober periods (days/weeks at a time) where I speak to him on the phone, engage with him properly etc. When he's drinking though, I minimise contact with him as I'm just not interested any more.

Find a way to make peace with it in your own mind, and take the steps you feel appropriate to protect yourself. Don't focus on how to get them help, as it just doesn't work like that.

I was a functioning alcoholic for most of my teenage and adult life. I got sober on my own with will power and determination.
I wouldn't have thanked family intervention tbh.
Alcoholics are selfish and deceptive.
If they don't want to stop unfortunately they won't.
Please don't take that as a failure on your part.
Dds father died an alcoholic. We hadn't been together since she was little.
She feels very guilty she couldn't help him/stop him. No matter what I say to her 😔
Take care of yourself and your family.
You sound lovely 💐

Another recovering alcoholic here (26 years).

There's really very little you can do - the responsibility is on them and they have to want to stop.

I too strongly recommend Al anon for you. You'll get loads of help and support.

I stopped in AA. It changed my life completely.

Thank you so much for everybody's comments. I guess it's what I feared.
I haven't gotten involved much up until now apart from gentle probing and I know DM will never disclose the full picture, she seems to be ok with the fact the focus is on DF as he's got the more serious problem and she gets to hide behind that, she would never ever admit she has one too.

A part of me doesn't want to get too involved because I know at some point I will hear "DF has been doing well why don't you let your DCs sleep over" when I will have no way of verifying that and I'm not ready for the confrontation that would ensue and the way they would guilt trip me.

DF told me once he might need help. Then asked I find an AA meeting where he's guaranteed that no one he knows will see him go there and know about it. Then he backtracked and said he will do it on his own and will ask for help if he needs it. But there's always an excuse as to why he needs a drink be it his knee pain or having to "clear his head" as apparently alcohol helps him think clearer....

I can't even count the amount of times me / my DBro heard "this is my last one" .

I don't think al anon is taking place right now?

Both Al-Anon (for relatives) and AA (for alcoholics) have meetings online that you can attend. I recommend you do so. My late husband was an alcoholic. It wasn't until I learned to detach and let him take responsibility for his own life that my life got better. The group I attended wasn't classic Al-Anon, but was similar.

You are powerless to help them. I hope you learn to accept that and find some peace.

I think you will get a support group online/zoom type meeting. Definitely worth looking for if you think its going to help you 💐

Thanks I might look into it. Although I'm not sure how I feel about it and if I'm being OTT.

I saw them a couple of days ago (my DM runs a small business that's allowed to be open so I went in to say hi as they've been asking me to see the renovations for a while) and they were so normal and nice. It was perfectly fine and lovely and enjoyable. DF was completely sober and fine, DM just pottering about doing her thing.

So I drove home thinking I must have it all wrong.

I think a way to cope with it (not the only way, a way), is to accept that it's not something that you can fix, nor should you try to (also not your fault etc etc).

Help is available if they want it, but they need to ask for it and find it - you can't really facilitate them in that and even the act of asking you to find him a meeting was probably a displacement activity on the part of your father (superficially looks like he's doing something without him actually having to).

If you can manage strong boundaries then you can still have a relationship of sorts, but if the relationship is dependent on them stopping drinking they will very likely always let you down (again, not your fault, not for you to fix).

Go to Al-anon.
You can't change them. You can put in place boundaries to protect yourself, that's all.

their town should also have drug and alcohol services that they can self-refer to.

i’m a recovering alcoholic, i was raised by alcoholics. i got sober with AA 6.5 years ago. been no contact with parents for donkeys’ years.

i was a rock bottom, lost-everything drinker and i nearly died. my life was utter chaos and i still just kept pouring it down my neck. it’s easy to wake up in withdrawal or with a hangover and say right! today is the day! because as you start to feel better the idea of just a little drink to take the edge off creeps in and round you go again. i first got pass-out drunk aged 8. blacking out by 12. i finally quit at 41.

you cannot save an alcoholic. you can’t be managing what meetings they go to, if they will be spotted by someone they know. by the time you see someone you know in a meeting it’s clear to both of you why you’re there, and everything shared stays in the room so anonymity is not an issue.

AA isn’t for everyone. but there are a lot of other options. it’s not for you to keep investigating them and presenting them to your parents for their approval. they either want to quit or they don’t.

alcoholism is a selfish, horrible disease. you don’t have to let your parents share their race to the bottom with you.

i’m sorry, OP. it’s a horrible situation. maybe Al-Anon might help, although it can be a bit hit-and-miss depending on the group and how well it’s facilitated.

ultimately you may have to walk away from this. i wish you all the best.

OP, there is also a great book Adult Children of Alcoholics, written by an American psychologist who worked with the adult children of alcoholics - it is a great first step if you cannot access, or don't have time for Al-anon. I say this as an adult child of an alcoholic who only decided to change when he was ready, you cannot help them, they can only change when they want to change.

My dad did recover and went on to record 37 years sober before he died.

The book helped me to forgive and forget and move on realising that I can only change me and how I live.

You can't do anything about it. They need to want to stop for a start.

I was an alcoholic and my mother still is, I controlled my addiction through counselling and self discipline. Unfortunately I came to the understanding several years ago that alcohol will kill my mother. I tried and tried to help but nothing worked.

My late dp was an alcoholic, you can't fix it, there is nothing you can do unless he wants to stop. Alcoholics are selfish, they lie, minimise their dependence to others. You are best going low contact or no contact, your dm is enabling your df drinking & if she is drinking herself then she will go the same way.

Recovering Alcoholic here,sober nearly 18 years.

Nothing anybody said stopped me drinking,people were calling me an Alcoholic,I took no notice.My Mother was an Alcoholic,she developed a wet brain and died.Still I carried on.

I stopped for myself.No idea what happened but one morning I had had enough.I went to AA and still do,meetings on Zoom at the moment.

Al-anon is where to get help for yourself.

I don't mean to be harsh @squeakiness but there is nothing you can do for them. If they want to stop drinking it has to come from them. You can tell them how worried you are about them and encourage them to get support from AA until you're blue in the face but you can't help someone if they don't think they have a problem. I'd take a step back from them to be honest for your own and DC's sakes because it can be very damaging to watch this sort of thing.

I've been sober for nearly 19 years. My mother, however, is a "functioning" alcoholic. I haven't even raised the issue with her, as I know that she will think that just because I am an alcoholic, I think that everyone has a problem. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing or the wrong thing - she has no relationship with her grandchildren, I am speak to her very occasionally (her choice). Alcoholism is such a godawful, shitty condition. It takes everyone down with it. When I got sober, one of my friends told me how happy she was to see me sober. I asked her why she had never told me that my drinking was a problem, and she just looked at me and said "We did." I just never heard it. You can't win most of the time - if you cut off content, the alcoholic will drink because they have no contact with you, and if you don't, then they will drink because they can't be that bad if you are still in their life. All you can do is protect yourself as much as possible.

Oops: contact, not content!

Your council will fund a drug/alcohol support service in your local area. Some of them also offer support for families, it would be worth giving them a call to see if there is anything you could access.

My mum was an alcoholic. She almost died a few times and one day with no support from anyone she stopped drinking and was sober for 10 years before she died (from an u related illness). None of us understand it and she was never able to explain what made her stop.