For telling DS he shouldn't use his depression in an argument

[LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard]

Back story - DS14 has been suffering with depression (no known cause, lots of family history of mental illness) for a year. Slwf harmed a few times, felt very suicidal. Had therapy which didn't help, then medication which just have him awful side effects so has been coming off it the last few weeks which has make his headaches worse so been off school this week.

This evening he had a silly falling out on an online game (DS wouldn't tell them where something was, fairly normal for this game it's a bit resource competitive), escalated to name calling (teenage boys, fine line between banter and being nasty), DS asked them to stop it because they were upsetting him (fair enough) and then when they didn't he told them they were setting off his depression. They had a go at him for guilt tripping and gave him a 4 day ban from their server.

I'm not comfortable with him using his mental illness as a thing in arguments, especially when the whole situation came about because of his actions. He's now pissed off because I 'took their side' and doesn't want to go back to school tomorrow because he thinks they'll be shitty with him. I don't want him thinking you can hide from these things, I want him to face his challenges and learn from them. But I also understand that social situations are even more difficult if you're not feeling great mentally and physically.

He's sulking in his room now.
AIBU for telling him this wasn't a good move?

You need to teach him how to actually deal with this. He doesn't have to accept it but he didn't handle it very smoothly.

I think you handled it right. A bit of tough love.

You need to teach him how to actually deal with this - great advice.

The very sniff of someone using mental illness as blackmail won't improve teen friendships and doesn't work with adults.

I've got sympathy for DS, but if he'd backed off and lost interest, so would the bullies have done. They sound grim, anyway.

They're actually a really good bunch of kids and have been really supportive and understanding with him. But I can see how they'd get fed up if it's thrown around at them like that.

I'd love to teach him how to actually deal with this. But how do I do that? I've not been a teenage boy and never had much to do with any so I'm a bit lost. The online thing makes it harder as I'm sure if it was face to face they'd all be over it by now...

Hang on. They were treating him badly. He asked them to stop. They continued to treat him badly. He contextualised just how much distress they were causing in an effort to be listened to.

And now he's at fault?

They were doing something wrong. Why shouldn't they feel guilty? That's the purpose of the emotion. Why should he instead feel shame?

If it had been in person and they'd been pushing him about physically, and he'd warned them they were aggravating a physical health issue, would that be "guilt tripping" too?

I think you’re being a bit harsh. He asked them to stop, they didn’t. It is at that point that I would support his response.

I agree he shouldn’t go chucking “I’m depressed” around, but actually they shouldn’t be dicks.

Look up resilience and problem solving skills aimed at teenagers. They can also increase confidence. Don't forget he's probably finding things really difficult and seemingly small things may make him react. Cut him a bit of slack while equipping him with skills which will be useful forever. Make sure you look after yourself too.

@user18435677565533

Hang on. They were treating him badly. He asked them to stop. They continued to treat him badly. He contextualised just how much distress they were causing in an effort to be listened to.

And now he's at fault?

They were doing something wrong. Why shouldn't they feel guilty? That's the purpose of the emotion. Why should he instead feel shame?

If it had been in person and they'd been pushing him about physically, and he'd warned them they were aggravating a physical health issue, would that be "guilt tripping" too?

That's a very good point. See, this is why I post here. Because sometimes we need a different viewpoint.

@LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard I'm with you here. As much as I feel sympathetic for his mental health issues, using them in arguments or social situations will only stop his friends from taking them seriously. I think it is fair for you to separate the situations as well. Feeling frustrated or upset that your friends are behaving in a certain way is normal. It is not the same as 'setting off your depression'.

It sounds like you've been an incredibly proactive mum in getting your DS the ongoing help he needs for his depression. However, letting him control/make you or others feel guilty using it is not okay. You need to set boundaries that will ultimately teach him the difference between experiencing normal and uncomfortable emotions, and the times when he struggles with a genuine episode of depression.

I think you acted in the right way and could continue to enforce the point with DS with a chat about why mentioning his depression in this context would be most likely to negatively effect him rather than others. He wants to be able to rely on the support of his friends without making them tread on egg shells around him.

Hope this is helpful :)

@60schild

Look up resilience and problem solving skills aimed at teenagers. They can also increase confidence. Don't forget he's probably finding things really difficult and seemingly small things may make him react. Cut him a bit of slack while equipping him with skills which will be useful forever. Make sure you look after yourself too.

I did say to him it's likely he was feeling more sensitive than usual and perhaps wouldn't have found the argument as upsetting when he was feeling well. But that again was me being on their side...

I've tried getting him books, recommended apps to help, he wouldn't engage with therapy and doesn't like talking about his feelings so I thought that books and apps may be the way to go but he wasn't interested. How do I go about improving his resilience?

I did tell DH and ask him to speak to him, not sure if he will. DH has bipolar II with mostly depression so I'm just surrounded by miserable people whose feelings I have to tread carefully around and can't ever say anything that sounds like criticism... It's exhausting sometimes!

I know I've ballsed this up, I've done pretty well so far so it was bound to happen eventually. I'm now worried he won't tell me these things in future and I've just made our lives even harder. Arrggh!

Thanks for the input.

@LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard I'm glad you acknowledge the point made by @user18435677565533 as that was exactly what I felt reading your OP.

It's easy enough done in the moment but you need to go back and make amends with him. Just listen to him, be curious rather than seeking to teach or fix it for him.

Do you remember that Harry Enfield sketch "you don't wanna do that! Do it this way!" There's a reason why that was a comedy character.... Universally annoying response.

I found the "how to talk so kids will listen" books excellent for handling this kind of situation and developing resilience. There's a version for teens.

[quote tuesdayschild17]@LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard I'm with you here. As much as I feel sympathetic for his mental health issues, using them in arguments or social situations will only stop his friends from taking them seriously. I think it is fair for you to separate the situations as well. Feeling frustrated or upset that your friends are behaving in a certain way is normal. It is not the same as 'setting off your depression'.

It sounds like you've been an incredibly proactive mum in getting your DS the ongoing help he needs for his depression. However, letting him control/make you or others feel guilty using it is not okay. You need to set boundaries that will ultimately teach him the difference between experiencing normal and uncomfortable emotions, and the times when he struggles with a genuine episode of depression.

I think you acted in the right way and could continue to enforce the point with DS with a chat about why mentioning his depression in this context would be most likely to negatively effect him rather than others. He wants to be able to rely on the support of his friends without making them tread on egg shells around him.

Hope this is helpful :)[/quote]
That is helpful, thank you. I'll see if he will talk to me about it again later. I need to convince him that going to school tomorrow isn't going to be awful. Until this week he hasn't missed any school due to the depression, only for appointments, and I don't want it to become a thing. I'm just not great at starting the conversation without it sounding like criticism...

[quote Griefmonster]**@LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard* I'm glad you acknowledge the point made by @user18435677565533* as that was exactly what I felt reading your OP.

It's easy enough done in the moment but you need to go back and make amends with him. Just listen to him, be curious rather than seeking to teach or fix it for him.

Do you remember that Harry Enfield sketch "you don't wanna do that! Do it this way!" There's a reason why that was a comedy character.... Universally annoying response.

I found the "how to talk so kids will listen" books excellent for handling this kind of situation and developing resilience. There's a version for teens.[/quote]
Thanks, I will look for the books.
I do tend to try to 'fix' or advise rather than just listen. With everyone, not just DS, I know this is a problem, especially when I don't actually have a solution! But with my children I feel like I should be able to fix things. I already feel like it must be my fault he has this problem in the first place,though logically I'm sure it isn't.

I will get some books, books always make feel better about things.

@LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard I would really push hard for him to still attend school tomorrow. You may not be able to convince him it will be okay, although you can of course try. However, either way he should go in if you've deemed him well enough before this argument.

It sounds harsh but I say this as a teenager who missed a massive amount of school due to mental health issues. I never wanted to attend and the more time off I had, the harder it was. My mother definitely enabled this and I wish she hadn't. I learnt resilience a few years ago after having my own daughter and my mother changing hugely through the menopause. I had to cope with it solo and it taught me I had had these skills there all along, but never been pushed to use them before.

It may take a while and he may seemingly 'hate you' but if you give in now, you could end up with a child who never learns the coping skills to push through discomfort and face fears. That was definitely me! And I still have to remind myself now that discomfort or feelings are only temporary and are manageable and will pass. Procrastination ALWAYS makes me feel worse.

I agree that he should definitely go into school tomorrow and work through this. However, what's to say that they weren't going to trigger him? It's likely that their behaviour could aggravate him. I think it's positive that he's recognising this even if he did go about it in a petulant, typical teenage way.

Somebody said about problem solving skills online, that sounds like very good advice. I'm not saying pet him, I think sometimes tough love sometimes does help in these situations but, falling out with friends is probably one where you will need to tread lightly.

Good news. He came out of his room in a good mood, I gave him a hug and we had a short chat. He's made up with the main friend from the group and was checking his timetable for school tomorrow so already planned to go in. I apologised anyway and am feeling better about it all.

Have still ordered some books.
Thanks everyone for your replies.

@LethargicLumpOfLockdownLard that's great news and such a good sign! I think it shows that you can help him deal with the ups & downs of teenage friendships alongside his depression. Best luck for his first day back tomorrow

I'm lucky that we do have a pretty good relationship and while he doesn't like talking about feelings, he will talk to me about what's going on in his life and with his friends and stuff, so we have a good base for working on. I'll try to encourage some self help work (to be done in homework time when he wouldn't be losing his gaming time to it!) with a book or two, seen a few on Amazon that look okay.

Agree with PPs about missing school, it had never been an issue before (though he loved Lockdown!) and I am very keen for it not to become one!

It’s a tricky situation to handle. I can see why he’d think you were taking their side and reinforcing that they were in the right. But I can completely see why you reacted the way you did!

Did he tell his friends to stop because he wanted to manipulate (in a gentle sense) the situation? Or was he doing what mental health messaging has been all about and opening up and talking about it? His friends may have perceived he was doing the former - or may have reacted how they did out of guilt and fear about not knowing how to handle your son talking about it - and wanting to firmly say ‘don’t talk about it again’. I think a ban is excessive though

I think you need to talk through the situation with him. Maybe there is a right time to talk about his mental health. If he felt triggered then perhaps the best thing to do is do what is in his control. He can’t stop people annoying him or baiting him on a game. But he can try and use this situation to recognise that that’s a trigger and to know he needs to step away (with a breezy ‘bye...dinners ready’ if need be). And then when he’s in a more stable feeling place then talk to his friends about how it affected his mental health. Talking about his mental health should be fine whenever and wherever he wants to - but the real world doesn’t work like that, as we know (and exactly why you reacted the way you did as you want to protect and equip him!).

Definitely encourage him to go to school. If his friends know the situation already and are generally good kids then maybe get him to think about how to broach that first conversation back with them.

I don’t know....really difficult. Wishing your son well xx

Great work OP! It is really hard work and no small thing to have such a good base to work on. Take care x

Atleast he was honest about how upset he was feeling, it would of been worse if he just took it in silence and then hurt himself over it later cus he couldn't vent.

Maybe he just needs better online friends, regardless you should be on his side right now as he clearly is struggling and needs support