AIBU Stress = Miscarriage. Sick leave

[PinkFizz19]

Sorry to post here but there's more traffic then the other threads.

We're currently TTC#1 and have suffered a miscarriage and a missed miscarriage were I needed surgical intervention. When I was pregnant the second time I was cautious that my job is stressful, deadlines, every changing legislation (more so especially now with Covid) and I raised my concerns with my manager. She felt I was used to the stress before pregnancy so felt the first mc was just a one off and shouldn't be worried about stress being a factor. We're TTC again and even though I know there could be a number of reasons why we MC and that stress/work probably wasn't the issue, I can't help feeling guilty that what if it was?

My AIBU is and please be honest but nice about it whilst it's a sensitive subject 😊 if we we're lucky enough to get pregnant again, would IBU considering going off on short term sick leave in the hope of reducing my stress and at least make my mind feel better about ruling out what I can to help us have the best possible chance?

In over 10 years in this job I've only ever had these 2 periods of sickness for the MCs if that helps any.

Play it carefully... On a personal level it's important so I'd be minded to do something... You might find morning sickness is the "actual" reason you get 'signed off'....

It's unlikely to have been job stress that caused it. In most cases I think it's just bad luck that it's not a viable pregnancy (which doesn't make it any less painful to go through). When I got pregnant after miscarriage, I made sure I wasn't doing any extra time and that I was trying not to take on work stress if possible. I'd definitely say it's reasonable to cut back on any overtime and to make sure you're having a lunch break or at least a break away from your desk if you don't usually. I don't know if you'd be able to get signed off on sick leave for say the first trimester once you've found out.

The first trimester after having a previous miscarriage is really hard and you just have to find ways to take your mind off it and pass the time as quickly as possible. We had 4 scans from 6 weeks to 14 weeks, which helped us. Two of those were NHS ones, the dating scan and a very early scan as my miscarriage was an ectopic. Hope it's not too long before you get a positive test again and all goes well. Xx

Could you take annual leave or unpaid leave? I was in a very similar position with MC when TTC, I don't think I could have justified sick leave in early pregnancy for it though.

I honestly can’t fathom what job could be that stressful that you feel it’s caused a miscarriage.

Sorry, but you need to learn how to cope better with stress and your job if you honesty feel that stressed by it as that’s not how people should feel. Remember it’s only a job and not life or death - and even people dealing with life or death situations through work can only do what they can do, and are strongly advised not to allow the stress to go hone with them.
Perhaps look at meditation / mindfulness etc?

The type of stress that causes miscarriages is the stress of being a refugee or living through war. It's not the stress of a job. Please don't feel guilty or at all to blame for your miscarriage. I think this is one of the really harmful things about the common interpretation of this idea. I found out about what it really means after my own miscarriage while working in a stressful job. It will have almost certainly been an unviable pregnancy, and nothing that you could have helped.

You are not too stressed to work so shouldn’t take sick leave. To be honest it would be taking the piss. If you choose to take annual leave to reduce stress then that would be fine. Or choose to reduce your hours.

YABU you shouldn’t take sick leave unless you’re actually too sick to work. It’s not a preventative measure!

I've been through multiple losses, I'm sorry you have too . I get the need to try to do everything you can. But. There are things that are out of your control, unfortunately pregnancy is very much one of those things for a large part.

Yes, go easy on yourself, let some of the pressure wash, purposefully plan in leave to relax etc, be more ready to prioritise your health and do seek some reassurance from your midwife and online etc. But, the job probably isn't a cause. I know the search for a reason can be all consuming BUT if you do take a long time off you'll get more anxious when you are in work. It's about balance. I think, yes, focus on managing the stress and taking time for you but still "within" the job. Good luck!

As pp have said, the type of stress that potentially could cause miscarriage, is not job stress. It’s more life threatening situations that cause extreme reactions in the body, and even then it is extremely rare.

I think you are being ridiculous - how long exactly are you planning to take off!

It's been proven that stress has no impact on miscarriage rates.
I've had 3 mcs so do understand the need to question everything, but do not blame yourself or think it's something you did/didn't do.

I worked very stressful jobs with long, long hours (12 hours every day at work plus commute) and didn't miscarry. Of course when my team found out I was pregnant some patronising bloke pipes up and says I need to take it easy and promptly strips me of all opportunities to advance my career... It's hard not to worry, but it's very unlikely to be connected.

I think you should take sick leave if you think work stress has played a part in your miscarriages. Stress in early pregnancy can only have a negative impact. I don’t think any pregnant woman should struggle into work if she’s anxious about miscarrying, or suffering the extreme fatigue and nausea that often accompanies pregnancy. I’m so sorry you went through those awful times.

In your situation, I’d be tempted to get signed off as soon as I had a positive test result. But maybe not with stress if your boss is unsympathetic to prenatal anxiety and trauma; you could say it’s pregnancy related sickness.

I was signed off sick for my entire pregnancy due to HG, I was so ill the first trimester I couldn’t even make it to the GP so I just had phone consultations and he wrote sick notes for me every month (which my husband collected and posted to work). I had a few home visits from the midwife and made it to scans (with a bucket on my lap!) and once my boss visited me at home to carry out a sickness review but she was very kind about it. I had to phone occupational health a few times (work policy).

Consultant didn’t diagnose HG until well into my second trimester, as pregnancy sickness is so common GPs are used to handing out sick notes without actually seeing you! And pregnancy related illness cannot legally affect your Bradford score or go on your record.

If you don’t want to declare stress, you could declare pregnancy related sickness instead. Most of my colleagues had it and took a few weeks off in their first trimester, and one girl had HG like me and was signed off her entire pregnancy.

Good luck TTC and I really hope it goes well next time.

Honestly if you get so anxious about it that you can’t cope then go to your GP and you will probably be signed off. It may be that you never need to do that. Psychological stress is not likely to have caused anything (obviously if you work in a physically stressful job or with chemicals etc that’s not helpful). Miscarriage is very common and not your fault.

People have babies in war zones, refugee camps, prison. The stress of your job didn’t cause your miscarriage. Take annual leave, take unpaid leave, but don’t make it harder for pregnant women who need sick leave by taking it when you don’t need it.

Stress can not cause a miscarriage. If it did the human race would have died out by now, just think of how our ancestors lived. I agree with pp that if you feel you need the time off best to develop severe morning sickness! Not something I’d do, because you may need time off later in pregnancy, you just don’t know how things will work out.

I’m sorry for your losses. It wasn’t anything you did and it wasn’t work stress. I can understand your feelings but you don’t know how your next pregnancy will be and I wouldn’t take sick leave unless you need it. Annual leave most definitely so keep some in the bag for when you need to.

My 6th pregnancy was the one which stuck and gave me my daughter and it was a hugely stressful busy time including a big promotion just before I found out, I’ve never worked harder or dealt with more at work in my life. It was a welcome distraction from a nerve wracking pregnancy.

Wishing you every luck with ttc and your next pregnancy.

I'm deeply sympathetic (I had 3 miscarriages myself), but I dont think your ordinary job stress would have caused or contributed to it, unless you had other health conditions playing a role, such as high blood pressure that might be worsened by stress.

In my humble opinion telling yourself that it could be that may not help you either. Something like 1 in 3 people will miscarry, it really is common so genuinely in your case is likely to be bad luck.

That said, I don't think its unreasonable to share how you are feeling with your boss and to "work to time" in pregnancy and not give into pressure to work excess hours or take on a heavy workload that isnt your usual job description etc. Stopping work completely going on sick leave really is bit much.

Good luck,

Please don’t blame yourself OP. Work stress did not cause your miscarriage. They just happen sometimes - it’s not something you could have prevented.

Of course you’re entitled to go off sick if you need time off for stress, but please don’t feel that you could have prevented this.

Sorry to read about your losses. I completely get that although you know the science you want to control as much as possible.

I'd urge you not to take sickness absence leave as this could cause you problems further down the line (in the case of you actually needing leave which in fact could be more stressful as pay and capability can become issues).

That said there's a duty on your Employer to do certain things; if you're raising stress as an issue (regardless of TTC) they should complete a stress risk assessment and identify control measures (see HSE website). They also should complete an Expectant Mothers Risk Assessment, once you're pregnant, which again will address any workplace concerns and measures for addressing this. Thirdly, there should be a provision in place for you to see Occupational Health and your manager/HR should facilitate a referral to them so they can provide specific workplace guidance (which would be largely what is above anyway).

You may also wish to consider applying for a flexible working arrangement (reduced hours/flexible hours/condensed hours such as a 9 day fortnight) and do consider whether the role is right for you in terms of inherent stress and how you will manage this if you return from mat leave.

I hope everything works out for you.

Thank you everyone for both your kind and honest words.

I've never taken the piss with sickness as stated above I've only had 2 sicknesses in over 10years in the role so I don't think I'd have it in me to do it. I was just looking for opinions and thoughts.

If (hopefully when) the times comes, I will speak to my Manager. I get a decent amount of leave so will ask whether i could book this in for shorter working weeks etc. I will also try to control my anxiety better re: not being able to change the outcome

Firstly, I'm sorry you've suffered miscarriages.

Secondly, I don't think it's appropriate to be discussing such a thing as your fertility worries with your manager.

Thirdly, I remember all too well the acute introspection and obsession that comes with TTC. It's all consuming. Work stress did not play a part in your MCs.

Fourthly, if you're this stressed with this job, try to imagine doing it with a baby/toddler at home.

I think you need a different job, or to adjust your attitude to this job, but not in order to help you carry to term as I don't think those things are related.

Good luck.

Hey Op. I've been where you are many times. I've blamed myself, my job, things around me and it's all apart of the grieving of losing a baby.
It's perfectly normal for you to feel anxious and plan ahead. I would suggest taking part in some mindfulness. This is great for any stressful situation. If you practice it every day, it becomes second nature.

Good luck on your journey. X

After 4 miscarriages I've decided next time I fall Pregnant I'm asking to be signed off for the first 12 weeks and then I'll be going back on reduced hours. It might not make the slightest bit of difference but at least I'll feel like I've tried