AIBU to be embarrassed by what do talks about

[Newmum97]

I live in a block of flats with a communal laundry room. We have lived here for about 3 months. There is a man in the same block that me and dp see every week who we are slowly becoming friends with when doing laundry.

We have a 2 month old baby and dp has a 9yr old son who stays weekends and said friend knows of them. My issue is with how/what dp says to this new friend of ours, he also speaks the same to his family members. Dp will frequently say we are broke, make jokes about how we 'have nothing to eat' and in general give the impression that we frequently have no money and really struggle to even eat. We are both currently unemployed long term due to illness but we recieve benefits that roughly equate to at least 1 full time above minimum wage so we do not struggle, on the last week before pay day we might have a little less choice in food but we always have food, gas, electric, rent paid and all supplies for the kids regardless. The only thing we occasionaly 'struggle' for is luxuries for ourselves such as tobacco or nice coffee.

Before having a baby I wouldn't have cared the slightest about people's impression of me but since having a baby I do care about how people perceive us as members of society and especially as parents. I know i shouldnt but the reality is I do as these days it is common in my area for nosy neighbours to report petty concerns to social services or gossip about parents lack of money and therefore apparent inability to care for children.

Dp will frequently ask his parents for the odd £10/20 and almost always talks over friends, not giving them the chance to speak and just in general gives everyone the impression that we are piss poor broke. Now there is nothing wrong with admitting you are struggling but what irks me is the fact that he is giving off a false impression of our lifestyle to so many people we know and quite frankly it's getting embarrassing.

We used to be homeless and genuinely did struggle hard for money, utilities and food but we are in a much better situation now and life is improving vastly. AIBU to not want to be viewed as a broke mother that can't provide? I have spoke to dp about said issue and he says he doesn't want to 'put a filter on his mouth' and mockingly joked that I was going to have to write him a list of topics he was and wasn't 'allowed' to speak about. All I said to him was that I would appreciate it if he didn't go round telling people we are broke or struggle as we don't. How can I convince him to actually care about that impression we give off as a family?

I think I'd be less worried about the impression he's making than about why he lies about this. Is he making a joke, or is it some sort of throwback to the time when things were tougher? Did he do the same things at that time? If he does, it may just be a sort of habit that he's got into. Does he say and do these things in your presence? I assume he must if you know about them. In which case, maybe just tell him to stop exaggerating at the time it happens. If that embarrasses him, well so be it.

(Sorry - a lot of questions there.)

It sounds like he's got into the habit of eyeing other people as a source of cash, from the time you were struggling. (what pippistrelle said really)

I think you need to have a conversation about it, outlining why it's inappropriate.

I think maybe his version of being broke is not have enough money for everything he wants. He used to act the same before when we were genuinely struggling. I don't think he's really joking about it though, it's as if he really thinks we're struggling to get by. Perhaps it's habit.

GeidiPrimes he definitely has a habit of relying on other people to sort any financial issues.

He would like more money for tobacco? Or weed?

Be very honest with him and tell him it embarrasses you.

I’d find scrounging/hinting/over sharing a hugely unattractive quality in a partner, it would lead to a complete lack of respect. If you feel that too definitely tell him.

Maybe he needs to spend less time chatting shit and more time planning a way he can return to paid employment?

I find that DH still is under the impression that we're in a very insecure financial situation. We've always been ok financially but theres always been the risk that at any moment the rug will be pull from under us and we'll have nothing. I do have to keep reminding him that actually we're very stable now. He's just used to be worried about it.

Your partner should be keeping your financial situation to himself though, whatever it is. I'd pull him up on it every time either "actually we're fine, dont know why you keep thinking we're not" or "babe nobody want to know how much we do or dont have in the bank"

Doesn't want to put a filter on his mouth
He thinks it's alright to vocalise every thought that comes into his head??
What would things be like if everyone didn't want to put a filter on their mouth
He sounds as dumb as a rock 😖
I mean that is a sign of cognitive impairment isn't it ....not being able to 'filter' yourself

AIBU to not want to be viewed as a broke mother that can't provide?

But you are a broke mother who can’t provide - that’s why you receive benefits. Your benefits provide for you.

I wonder if your boyfriend is also worried about what other people think, and is compensating for it by saying you are hard up on benefits because he doesn’t want people thinking that you’re living the life of Riley on the tax-payer’s pound?

If he bragged about having money spare or luxuries you’d come under fire for having an easy life for free, which you’re obviously not, since you’re both ill and unable to work.

Christ I can see why you’re keen to make him stop! If this happens when you’re doing laundry, you could make use of the dirty socks

So he’s basically determined to protest you Shameless style, while you’re glad to have new stability and working towards getting you both in a strong position. You’re trying to make friends from a position of equality, he’s eyeing them up for what they can do for him.

Down men do chat utter shit and mean little by it. If that’s the case, you do need to just gag him and say please don’t portray me so negatively. If he’s actually trying to get something out of it, you have a much bigger issue as he clealry has a desire to be a user, and you need to make sure this doesn’t turn on you

Is there really no job or voluntary work he could do to improve his self esteem.

If you're both ill and unable to work indefinitely, perhaps look for ways in which you csn give back. For example, you are able to use a computer, so why not offer something voluntarily online? There are many ways to truthfully feel like you are accomplished, which is what I feel this is about. But you can't deny the facts - tax payers pay for your household in it's entirety. If you prefer to leave it at that, for the both of you, with no time limit (if health actually prevents this), then either be honest to yourself that this is the way it is or step up in other ways.

I'm sorry @Newmum97 but you are skint. You don't have money to pay for luxuries and rely on benefits. You are in a very insecure financial situation.

You're ill and unable to work but don't dress it up as having a fab lifestyle.

I'm sure you know the benefit of working OP it looks like some of these other posters have missed the point.

Well done for turning your life around after being homeless, thats not an easy situation to get out of.

Sadly it seems your partner is in a certain mindset where he wants to seem a charity case because of what he can get out of it and it looks like you want more from life. I doubt its going to get better, you might want to reconsider this man as it sounds as if he's not someone many would respect including you

Just tell him to stop poor mouthing - your financial situation is nobody else's business, and he needs to get out of the habit before your DC is old enough to also be embarrassed.

Have you had a name change fail Op?

I do agree with the above poster that you are poor if you have less choice in food the week before your benefits come in. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. Having nice coffee shouldn't be seen as a luxury, although coffee is very expensive on the whole, a decent bag and a cafetière should be accessible to all.

YANBU! That is embarrassing.

I agree with PP that it seems like he's looking for a hand-out from others or at least sympathy, which is odd and again embarrassing, seeing as you say you're not wanting for necessities.

Also, some of the annoying things you've mentioned about him aren't even related to his acting like you're poorer than you are. Talking over people is rude, and whether he wants to or not, he needs to filter what he says. People with no filters are exhausting and irritating. It's not a charming personality trait.

Unfortunately, I doubt you'll convince him to change. If he lacks natural pride and self-awareness enough to prevent him from behaving this way for his own sake, that's probably simply how he is. Other than explaining to him that it embarrasses you, there's not much you can do. Keep explaining, trying different arguments and angles?

Sometimes when you've been truly skint it leaves it's mark and you never get rid of that cliff edge feeling.
It sounds like he wants to keep the door ajar.

I'd hate it too I never discuss money.

I'd leave him. How embarrassing! If he can't understand why he shouldn't go around telling people you are poor he can live alone and scrounge by himself.

I remember your username because your previous thread made me feel so sad.

This man used money set aside for a bus fare to a midwife appointment to buy weed.

You've got bigger problems than what he says to the neighbours.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I remember your username because your previous thread made me feel so sad.

This man used money set aside for a bus fare to a midwife appointment to buy weed.

You've got bigger problems than what he says to the neighbours.

Oh my god what.

OP?!

So clearly he is begging, and irresponsible, and happy to waste what you do have. OP this man will only drag you down.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4025953-Partners-that-smoke-weed

OP I think you need some help with how to cope with your partners behaviour on a wider scale, he has not been behaving like a responsible partner or father and I can't imagine that's changed much in the last 8 weeks or so.

If he isn't providing financially and is making such selfish decisions, would you be better off not being in a relationship with him any more?

You say there that he refused to quit, then quit for three weeks and then when your income "went up" he started again saying it was "more affordable". I can only assume that income is from benefits.

Don't you think a decent man would view benefit money as funds for you, him and your baby to be healthy and safe while you're both unable to work, not for him to smoke?!

If you think that might be the case people can help advise you here on support resources and benefits to get your baby secure and you on your feet instead of being tied to a waster.

Is he exaggerating your situation hoping for handouts. Have you asked him if that's why he does it ? Grabby & embarrassing if so. Ask him outright.