Intrusive or Am I OverReacting?

[BigBooks]

Went back to work full time last year after 10 years at home. In laws both retired and seem to have made it their mission in life to take over our house. Everyday I come home to a worktop covered in any washing up that has been done. Piles of washing left done in sitting room and kids all go to theirs for dinner. When I’m writing this it seems ridiculous that I’m complaining that everything is being done. But it’s the extent of it. Tonight eldest daughter wanted to make toasted cheese. No grill pan. It has disappeared. Presumably taken to get cleaned as it’s not an easy thing to tuck in a corner. Long history of intrusivenes. Returned from holiday to find house cleaned, everything moved, things changed to suit them. Even had a silent towel battle😂 me storing them in airing cupboard. In laws moving them to shelving unit in bathroom. Ridiculous! Solved that by getting rid of old unit and buying much smaller one. They still tried for a while though. Rural area so doors left open so can come and go as they please. Husband doesn’t care. Standard response to life is whatever. Tell me I’m being ridiculous please. Just feel like I’m in someone else house sometimes.

@BigBooks

If locking the doors was an option I would. Husband would never agree. Apart from that it is our way of life to leave doors open. We even leave keys in the car. Why should I give what is an integral part of our life just because people can’t keep to normal boundaries?

You leave your keys in the car? Will your insurance cover you if its stolen?

Your husband sounds quite daft, to be honest. I think it's shameful that he's perfectly fine having his parents do your housework. That's yours and your husband's responsibility.

It’s an integral part of your life not to lock doors and you can’t say anything to them :s

Move house?!

This reminds me of my silent battle with my mother in law. My husband lived alone for 8 years before we married, his parents loved to visit his house when he was at work, they'd mow the lawns, do his washing, ironing, vacuuming, leave meals in the fridge for him etc etc. I never knew a G string could be folded until I found some of mine folded neatly in the airing press, his wonderful father who was in his 80's told my now husband they wouldn't be great on a cold day!! Sadly his Dad died a few months before our wedding which led to his mother who was in her early 70's then spending even more time visiting, I moved some bits in prior to the wedding, I lived 120 miles away so was bringing stuff at weekends, she constantly moved my items out of sight, I planted two little jade plants in nice pots and left them there,a few weeks later she repotted them in different pots, I planted them back in the original pots the following weekend, she changed them again and told my husband that they needed the bigger pots, I put them back in the original pots yet again (3rd time), she got the message, seemingly she said 'well, I suppose it'll be her house when you get married'. She didn't want him to marry me, I had a son, I didn't put up with her nonsense the way his ex did and worst of all I wasn't local so she knew nothing about me or my family,she told DH that I was a gold digger despite the fact I earned more, had my own house in a more expensive county and spent four years working for free helping DH to get money together so he could open his own business, this was on top of a full time job, studying and looking after my son. Weirdly my mil and I actually get on ok now, once I put boundaries in place things improved. We live rurally but have electric gates so that really deters visitors which I sometimes miss to be honest

Send them my way I would love it

Unlocked doors?! Just because you're rural doesn't mean youre safe. When I lived rurally there were a good few burglaries and there was a rape in a village close by precisely because she was alone with the back door open. Get locks & tell them you're organised now with work & can take over home stuff.

Lock your doors. Even if you know everybody in your community, people outside it have cars/vans and bad people will always be looking for easy victims...

They sound like they're trying to be helpful which is nice but it's intrusive to you. You can't complain about that when you refuse to solve the problem.

Lock your doors ffs

I am not as saintly as the following makes me sound but, whenever DM means on and on about life/the Daily Mail/State of the country etc (and man he can moan for Queen and country) or DM faffs, fusses, talks non stop about... nothing, I remind myself I will miss these sometimes annoying traits when I'm surrounded by silence.
They do a hell of a lot for DD and me, live for us, which can seem fussy or claustrophobic at times, but the opposite, which many people experience from their family (just flick through Mumsnet to view a small selection!) is much much worse. Try to view their foibles with kindness and humour, hard as it can be sometimes.

Won't your house and building contents insurance be invalid if you leave the doors unlocked. Ditto car insurance.

I'd use the insurance as an excuse to lock my doors and to keep the in laws out

Lock your doors
Tell them thanks but no thanks to any of this nonsense

I voted uabu because you are letting it happen.

I live in the arsehole of nowhere and guess what? We lock our doors. Our farm has been targeted and we’ve had break-ins to various outbuildings before.

I’ve also had intrusive in-laws and I told my husband to tell them to stop coming round unannounced. And he did.

Either lock your doors and tell your husband to piss off if he’s incapable of turning a key. Demand he tell his parents to back the fuck off. Or you do it yourself. Those are your options.

If you won't lock your doors, you're letting it happen. How can having to turn s key or not be 'an integral part of your life'? It's just a key. It doesn't mean you live in a high crime urban area.

Boundaries need enforcing sometimes. You're a major part of the problem here, unless there is something you're not telling us.

YABU not to stop it if you don't like it. I'd go spare if someone rejigged my house - and I'd tell them. Probably very angrily and nastily so they don't do it again, tbh. The rudeness would be worth the peace so I think if it bothers you that much- lose your shit with them.

It's incredibly rude and undermining and controlling- why should you live by THEIR way in YOUR home. I'm also dyspraxic and although my house is very tidy, it's a coping mechanism- I lose things very quickly if they don't have a home -a home that makes logical sense to me- and I hate hunting for stuff. I cannot abide feeling out of control in my own home. I also think it's really bloody rude to leave piles of laundry in your living room and a full draining board. Fucking put stuff away- or at least put linens away and leave your washing on your bed or something. Although if they feed your kids at night, I suppose you have that time to put it away instead. Do you even like them feeding your children though? It sounds like they just took this job over? Do they also do the laundry they so enjoy leaving in piles? I'd be incredibly annoyed if someone poked about in my laundry bin, I have a system!

Go beserk and get your house back. Send DH home to mummy if he likes living under her regime so much!

What magical utopia do you live in where you can leave doors unlocked?

We live rurally and there has been an increase in car and bike thefts, and sheds and garages are being targeted as more people are WFH.

You are being naive to leave car keys in the car and doors unlocked because it will invalidate your insurance.

Just lock your doors. It is the default position in the vast majority of households in towns and in rural areas.

This is crazy. Your in-laws wander in and out of your house whenever they like? And you won’t challenge it?

But it sounds like they’re caring for your children?

Is it possible that for ten years you have taken them for granted. Childcare, housework, cooking. You sound spoiled. I suspect the truth is you need them more than they need you.

And lock your doors. Insecurity and risk isn't an integral way of life you fool!

If you don’t change, they won’t change.

I grew up in a rural village and we locked our doors, it's not that big an ask. I can't understand these threads with people complaining about their in laws letting themselves in all the time. Lock your doors and don't give them a key. Have a conversation about boundaries, and don't accept so much help from them. If you want control over your own environment you'll have to do your own housework. How dare they leave clean dishes on your work surfaces ! God how I'd love a hand sometimes.

She may live on the same island as I do, here we don't lock anything here and it would be considered weird to start - almost like you're questioning other's integrity and being a bit hoity toity

almost like you're questioning other's integrity and being a bit hoity toity well oddly phrased but that would be correct. She’s identified their inability to give her privacy and has different boundaries to her ILs

It’s not a crime to be culturally different than your spouse. Mine doesn’t wear shoes in the house and doesn’t eat pork. I accommodate some of his norms as he does mine.