AIBU - boyfriend flirty with other women when drunk

[Bobble1231]

Short version of thread: boyfriend of 1 year has put his arms around other girls’ shoulders while having a drunk chat with them and now I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling shite

Long version: I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable but my boyfriend enjoys a good drink (so do I) and though he’s not given me an overt reason not to trust him, I have once or twice seen him gets flirty and intense with other girls when he’s drunk enough.

We’ve been together for around a year and it’s only happened twice and the behaviour is question is: he’ll be having a conversation with a girl (who may be a distant friend but not super close, often it’s the first/second time I’ve met them) that looks like it’s going well and he’ll put his arm around their shoulder and talk to them directly, I don’t know how to describe it but it looks quite close, almost like he’s giving them his undivided attention and it makes me feel shit. I’m often standing in a group with him or nearby but both times it’s happened I’ve had to leave the area because it makes me feel shit. When he’s later sober, both time’s he mentioned casually how said girls are interesting to talk to.

I often work weekends so he goes out (lockdown permitting) when I’m not there and it makes me wonder what he’s doing when I’m not there if he’s like that in front of me. I manage to forget about it but the feelings come back with full force and I spiral into resenting him and wanting out and it’s just rubbish not feeling like I can trust him.

I’ve spoken to him about it the first time it happenEd and it went fine but don’t think I quite made it clear it was the arm-around-shoulder intense-chat thing that made me uncomfortable.

Not sure what to do, or if I’m overthinking it aargh but can’t stop resenting him for it in my mind either and wanting to leave him because relationships shouldn’t make you feel like this

(Mods please keep this thread and remove other one in relationships if double posted pls!)

If it feels wrong to you OP then go with your gut reaction. I honestly think you can be flirty with others whilst in a loving relationship as long as partner ok and it’s (for want of a better word “banter”) Arms round others though is a bit weird and if you don’t like it then it’s a big no. Some people are charmers in nicest possible sense and genuinely interested in others but you (and they) know where line is. What’s he like sober?

Was it somewhere really loud where you need to be physically very close to hear someone else? Is he like that with men?

@Cloudtraffic yeh it’s the seeing him put his around another girl to talk to them that gets me, makes me feel so irrelevant and helpless when I see it

It also feels wrong because I’ve not seen him do this with his really close girl mates that I’m also friends with, the two occasions it’s happened have been with acquaintances I don’t really know

Sober he’s fine? l can’t think of a situation like this that’s happened when he’s sober

@OoohTheStatsDontLie
No it was outside in fact, so quite quiet :(

He’s trying to make you jealous. What a twat! Very disrespectful.

How old are you both? My ex at uni used to do this and it was because he was insecure and wanted me to feel like that

Not sure what advice to give as I dumped mine and am now happily married to someone who wouldn’t dream of acting like that. Is this the only thing he does that upsets you?

I would not like this but there will be other posters who disagree. Go with your gut. If a man out his arm around your shoulders and you were intensely chatting what would his reaction be?

There’s no need at all for him to be putting his arms around women and being flirty. YANBU. He’s moving well into people’s private spaces so no wonder it sits uneasily. He’s not doing it to men, is he? So there’s your answer to it all just bring friendly. He’ll try to make you feel that you are BU because then it’s easier for him to do what he wants.

*being

The bringing it up how they are 'interesting' when he is sober too...sounds like he might be trying to make you feel insecure.

Does he ever talk about other women...eg: workmates, exs or even just women of the tv in a sort of 'she is so sofisticated/cool/dresses amazing (why dont you dress like that?)' kind of way?

I'll be honest and say a bit of flirting is okay within a relationship IMO (and I wouldn't necessarily say putting your arm around someone is flirting) BUT it shouldn't be at the expense of your partner. E.g. there is sometimes a bit of a natural blur between flirting and light-hearted banter, but if he's doing something that upsets you then you need to make him aware and he needs to be more conscious of when his behaviour upsets you.

You should tell him to keep his fucking hands to himself. I despise handsy, drunken fuckers like your boyfriend.

@Conkergame mid 20s

@Mintlegs I don’t think he’s like it but he’s not really had to experience because I wouldn’t put myself in a situation like that, I feel like he’s taking it for granted that I don’t put him in positions that make him feel like this

@GenevaL
That’s exactly it, it’s the intimacy of it and it’s exactly how I’d be chatted up (and more) after a few drinks when I was single myself. Both times the bf has done it I’ve had to look away because I feel like I’m about to witness something inappropriate that will hurt me