Someone please explain for me why are men such a**holes?

[NC249]

I'm just finding it difficult being single. Still not over the break up with my daughters dad. Tried internet dating and have had two instances where guys have led me on to eventually meet me and have a great time, then will either not speak to me again. The last guy from the internet I was speaking with for 4 months before we met and to be honest I felt from his messages he was quite self-centred and needy. When we eventually met we hit it off, I felt attracted to him and he made me laugh. He messaged me when he got home and things seemed okay and he got annoyed that I didn't send him the pictures of myself that I told him I would when he got back. Anyway he didn't speak to me after that and I asked him why he was so quiet and put it down to him moving and that I should being "aggy". He then says to me that he gets "weird vibes" from me and that he is gonna trust his instincts and wish me all the best. He had the cheek to even say nothing personal and a smiley face at the end.
So yeah that was a major blow to experience plus my anxiety and ocd made me actually believe I'm some weirdo. On top of that my daughters dad is extremely difficult and will get annoyed if I ask him for simple things. Just know that I need to remain single for a while but so feel so stupid and feel that I will never find anyone. Im wondering if my anxiety makes me weird but I've never had anyone complain about this before.I'm so scared of being lonely and living on my own doesn't help! Will someone explain why some men are such difficult beings!! I'm 27 years old and I think I'm going grey from the stress of men 😞

It's not just men, some women are difficult, too.

But I don't understand why you decided to keep on and meet with someone who struck you as 'self-centred and needy'. Why not move on and wait until someone easier comes along?

You say you're not over the break up with DD's dad. Why put yourself back out there just yet? It's true men can be inconsiderate arseholes, as can women, so why date when you're still vulnerable? Practise self care and have a break, you sound like you need it.

So the guy said he "gets weird vibes" from you and then says "nothing personal"? ...........I mean how is that in anyway NOT personal. A decent guy would never have said that even if he thought it, he was clearly just being a cunt so If I were you I wouldn't take it seriously or as the truth.

Forget about men for a while and concentrate and being happy with yourself

You're not over the hurt of a previous relationship, you have a lovely DD to focus on and your anxiety is playing a part in how you're feeling. Just "be" for a while. Just accept that you need to rest, to shift your focus from ridiculous men you don't really want anyway onto yourself and help yourself to feel better.

You don't need to meet anyone. You don't need to be in a relationship. This pressure you're putting on yourself can only do you more harm, and if well-intentioned folk ask "still single" and other stupid questions which intimate that your intrinsic value is somehow tied up with your marital status remind them that yes, you're single because you know your worth, know your value and know that people who think women should be married or settled down by a certain point are generally awfully dull folk who have so little excitement they need to remove the joy from others.

I don't want to sound patronising, but you're so, so young to be beating yourself up. Be gentle with your heart for a while.

You were going to send photos of yourself?

@amicissimma

It's not just men, some women are difficult, too.

But I don't understand why you decided to keep on and meet with someone who struck you as 'self-centred and needy'. Why not move on and wait until someone easier comes along?

To be honest I think I met up with him at the time out of boredom. I really should have trusted my own instincts.

@Nackajory

You say you're not over the break up with DD's dad. Why put yourself back out there just yet? It's true men can be inconsiderate arseholes, as can women, so why date when you're still vulnerable? Practise self care and have a break, you sound like you need it.

I agree I'm not over my break up. I just feel like I miss the comfort of having someone there. Chatting to a guy makes me feel wanted but after this experience im not speaking to any guy until I learn to love myself.

@AryaStarkWolf

So the guy said he "gets weird vibes" from you and then says "nothing personal"? ...........I mean how is that in anyway NOT personal. A decent guy would never have said that even if he thought it, he was clearly just being a cunt so If I were you I wouldn't take it seriously or as the truth.

Forget about men for a while and concentrate and being happy with yourself

Thanks that's what I'm going to do. I know my anxiety is a massive reason why I'm taking what he said to heart and overthinking it. Just difficult now I'm not working and lockdown downs make my anxiety easier

Try to get over the break up first. What do you keep needing from your ex?

@FudgeBrownie2019

You're not over the hurt of a previous relationship, you have a lovely DD to focus on and your anxiety is playing a part in how you're feeling. Just "be" for a while. Just accept that you need to rest, to shift your focus from ridiculous men you don't really want anyway onto yourself and help yourself to feel better.

You don't need to meet anyone. You don't need to be in a relationship. This pressure you're putting on yourself can only do you more harm, and if well-intentioned folk ask "still single" and other stupid questions which intimate that your intrinsic value is somehow tied up with your marital status remind them that yes, you're single because you know your worth, know your value and know that people who think women should be married or settled down by a certain point are generally awfully dull folk who have so little excitement they need to remove the joy from others.

I don't want to sound patronising, but you're so, so young to be beating yourself up. Be gentle with your heart for a while.

Thank you for this. It's true I'm just going to focus on the love that my daughter gives me. I feel like crying at times, I find it difficult to love myself, I'm trying hard to be kind and take of myself. My anxiety and ocd, effects things a lot and I've just moved to a new place so I'm still adjusting to living apart from my sister. Hoping this is just one of those things that happen.

@Macncheeseballs

You were going to send photos of yourself?

When said pictures like cute selfies lol not anything x rated. When we spoke we'd sometimes send pictures to each other and I told him I took some nice ones to send to him, however I didn't get round to it and he ended up making it into an issue.

Patriarchy. There are a lot of self-centred men out there, who expect a lot of emotional input and support. But they're not all like that. Take a break, don't place a great deal of pressure on yourself. Date to enjoy an evening out (when that's allowed), just enjoy the social side of it and build on your independence. Best wishes

@Candyfloss99

Try to get over the break up first. What do you keep needing from your ex?

I've just moved house and I needed a few things from his old place. Such as curtains and some of our daughters things. The old place was in another town and he drives so I've had to ask to drop some things off but he can be difficult with finances such as paying for my daughters nursery. Sometimes it will be petty things for example today, I asked him for his password for my laptop. He had been using my laptop for months as he didn't have one and was looking for jobs-I didn't need it because I also had a work laptop. I no longer work for my company so needed my laptop back and found that my ex had put his own username on it and password. My laptop was not allowing me to add another user so needed his password and he was being extra about giving me the password to access my laptop.

Those internet guys were a couple of frogs. There will be better people out there.
BUT, don't fall into the trap of thinking that a new man will help you get over your ex. One step at a time.

People are odd and people are difficult. You are, they are, I am, everyone is. If you start to let yourself believe the problem is that all men are arseholes you're probably not going to improve your chances of success.

Well as a morally bankrupt man myself I can say we definitely categorize women into 'yes', 'no' (both in varying degrees) and 'yes but not a keeper', the last category being one women often don't have and hence understand. Being a single parent will undoubtedly count against you, many men are ambivalent at best about their own children and few are willing to take on somebody else's for the long haul.

Also could it be you? What's the saying about meeting arseholes, meet one and you've met an an arsehole, meet them all the time and perhaps you're the arsehole? Are you giving off some prickly/suspicious man-hater vibes due to your recent breakup and previous experiences?

All I could offer in terms of actual advice is to go in with an open mind but be absolutely upfront about your situation and what you want and get them to explicitly agree that this is something they are interested in before you get anywhere. It will put off many who would otherwise go along for the ride intending to bail out after.

I genuinely don't go into a situation with man hater vibes. Plus I was very honest and open about what I wanted and also was truthful about my daughter and informed him that my daughter has a very good relationship with her dad.It went so far as the guy would even ask how my daughter is.