AIBU / WWYD re Child Maintenance

[CMCuriosity]

Hi All, name changed so as not to out myself.

I've found myself in a situation around Child Maintenance (CM) and I just don't know what to do.
I'm flitting between doing something, or absolutely nothing and I'd welcome other peoples views on what they would do in my position, or whether IABU feeling the way I do.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible and keep to the facts:

1. I'm a single parent to one DC, separated 4yrs from their father. Acrimonious split (court, DV on his part etc) and whilst we're not on friendly terms, we're now able to be amicable in DCs presence.

2. I receive monthly CM via CMS at what I consider to be a paltry amount. Ex is Self employed, clearly fudging his books and I know could afford to pay more if he wanted to. I've never asked for any extra, and he's never offered.

3. He has 2 older DC from a previous relationship who he was paying CM for when we split (at a much higher rate than what I receive), which was a private arrangement between him and his ex with no CMS involvement. He would also pay for extra curricular activities for them, phone contracts etc in addition to the CM. His oldest DC is now an adult and working full time, so I'm not sure whether my ex is still paying CM (or obligated to)

4. My ex is in a new relationship - no issues there. I've not met his new partner but my DC likes her which is all that matters. I have remained single (through choice)

5. Ex and new partner have bought a house together, a joint purchase from what I've been told. I've snooped, and yes it's a beautiful house worth a significant amount of money. I'm guessing his input would have been about two thirds of the price based on an estimate of his previous house sale.

So this is where I'd appreciate your views please.
AIBU to think that ex is not doing right by the DC we share, in that he's only paying the bare minimum towards their upbringing?
I don't want to sound grabby - I'm doing ok personally, I've purchased my own modest house and have a decent job which pays ok. I'm not flush, but I get by. I just feel a bit disappointed for my DC having half siblings that get treated so differently financially by their father, and who seems to not want to provide for them in a bid to punish me. I also see my ex as thinking of our DC as the runt of the family - because why else would there be such a huge gap in the way you treat your children?

I'd also be keen to hear your thoughts on what you'd do about the CM. It's not that I need the extra money, but of course it'd make life a bit easier. I'd love my DC to start taking music lessons for example, but I'm already paying for swimming lessons and I can't afford both.
Would you ask ex for more of a contribution? Wait until the next CMS review before deciding what to do? Or not do anything at all? If the last few years are anything to go by, CM will increase by a pound or two.

I keep jumping between all the options!

Happy to be told IABU, and in no way am I bitter about his new relationship or house. I just want to do right by my DC, and if they're entitled to more should I be seeking that or just leave things be?

Thanks for reading.

This would annoy me too. He’s been willingly throwing money to his first child all these years and won’t do the same for his second child. And people say it’s just first children who get a rough deal 🙄

I don’t know what you can do really. He’s technically not obliged to pay any more than he is doing through the CMS. But what I think he should be doing is cutting down the maintenance he pays for his adult children and pay more the child who is actually financially dependent on him like they once were.

When I was with my ex, he used to pay maintenance for his eldest child without fail plus extras. Now we’re not together anymore, he doesn’t pay for any of his children. I can cope without the money, but it really grates how he thought paying maintenance for his first child was super important but doesn’t see it as a priority for any of his children now we aren’t together anymore.

Apply for a variation through the CMS if you think he has income he is not declaring (i.e dividends from his business). The CMS can request ‘unearned income’ data from HMRC if prompted by a parent to do so. Take a look at this: assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/336730/variations-explained-receiving.pdf
Or you could just tell your ex that you will be reporting him to HMRC for tax fraud if he doesn't start supporting his child to a degree that is consistent with his lifestyle. It wont improve your relationship with him obviously, but in my experience with abusers the only way to do this is to never challenge them on anything, and I would prioritise my child over that.

You seem to be basing a lot on ifs buts and maybes.
I'm not saying he isn't - but you can't know for sure he's "fudging the books" just because he's self employed. Nor do you know the circumstances of his house purchase.
In any case if you think he is hiding something, will asking for more CM suddenly make him more honest?
I know a lot of men get away with murder on CM and as a society we don't do enough to stop it - but in your circumstances I am not sure what you have to gain exactly.
Nothing to lose by asking for more CM I guess?

It’s annoying but not sure what can be done if he’s not being honest with his books

Getting a mortgage self employed isn't easy. - less so CV state... Maybe his gf has a great income and got the mortgage herself? I would suggest contacting Cms anyway. His payment for an over 18 in ft employmemt will have stopped.

I wouldn't do anything. Hes giving what hes legally required to. But I agree with you. It's disgusting and shameful but men will typically put less into the children that dont live with them than those that do.
I've no respect for any parent that treats their children differently for any reason.

Honestly? If he isnt bothering you (and the kids) and its just a matter of music lessons, I would just leave sleeping arseholes lie.

Family court is so expensive when they start stirring trouble. It's not fair, but it...is how it is.

Under 20 can still be paid Cms unless they work ft. His ex would have been supposed to have told them ds was working. Bet she hasn't. No harm letting them check is there?

I'd be definitely asking for a greater contribution... So he's contributing as much to your kids as he is to subsequent kids...

If you think he's lying... Don't let him get away with treating your child like an irritating add on that he can get away with paying the absolute minimum...

It's not about you managing... It's about him sharing his good fortune with his children.

Work out how much you want to ask for as a fallback and ask for more... With the implication of he doesn't give it to you willingly you'll be letting vaurous hotlines know, so they can check up on his tax/ni etc

Thanks all for your responses.

I'm still undecided as to what to do for the best. If I approach him directly about contributing more then it feels like I'm begging for more money - something I'm loathe to do. I'm also giving him the opportunity to say no, and be smug that he's financially a lot better off than I am.

I get that I don't know the financial set up between him and his new partner, but at the same time we were together long enough for me to have a good understanding of his financial position.

Just to be clear he has two older children from a previous relationship. The oldest is now early 20s whilst his middle child is late secondary school age. The DC we share is early primary age.

I sought a variation when CMS were first involved. The amount he declared as earnings initially was absolutely ridiculous. This was changed to account for the dividends but didn't increase by much.

He also does (or did) a lot of cash and private work on the side. So I know that he is purposely withholding cash. He drives luxury cars etc.

My gut is telling me to bide my time a bit more whist I decide what to do. The annual CMS review is due soon so I may wait to see what that brings before making a decision.

I know many resident parents are in the same boat (or worse) but it's just sickening to sit by and watch your ex treat his two other children completely different to the one you share together.

If the annual review is coming up soon, wait for that. But afterwards, I might be inclined to ask him why his contribution for your DC is so different to the others.

That's not begging for money, but it is pointing out the disparity and asking for a reason.

"He also does (or did) a lot of cash and private work on the side. So I know that he is purposely withholding cash. He drives luxury cars etc."

This is tax fraud, I would be contacting HMRC about it.

How about approaching him and explaining the extra music lesson? Not that it's ever justified but some ex partners try to withold funds to 'punish' the other person. Maybe if you say about him arranging the music lesson/extra activities it might help? Alternatively just shop him