As a parent, what would you expect of your child's step parent?

[CrabbyHector]

Whether it be your partner or your exes.

I've read a few threads on this sort of topic here and on other forums and it seems a lot of the time the expectations of step parents can be pretty intense (love like your own child and so on).

Genuinely curious, as a parent, what would you expect from the partner/spouse of either you or your ex when it comes to your child(ren)?

Just kindness really. Dont be a dick. I don't think they need to be treated as your own. But within the household they shouldn't be treated differently.

I grew up in a home where stepchildren were treated like the step parents own child. Loved like it too. But that's not for everyone, and most times it would be silly to expect it.

Same, I'd say kindness and being supportive to the parent and step children - I don't love mine like my own but I'm always kind and I'd do anything for them and I like to think I'm supportive .... my DH on the other hand is not always the kindest non grumpy person ... I have to remind him sometimes (and often have to remind him to be kind and loving towards his own 🙄)

For me it would have to be treat them good and respect feelings of the kids. Mabye agree on what are acceptable punishments.

I expect others to treat me as they wish to be treated and I think thats across the board for every situation.

My DS has a stepmother.

I certainly do not expect her to love DS like her own. I don't expect her to parent DS either. She doesn't have any children of her own so we don't have the issues with being treated differently etc.

All I ask is that she is kind to DS and always makes him feel welcome in their home which she does.

Depends on the age of the children, the nature of the relationship between the parents, how recently they seperated and how soon the SP was installed.

But basically - don't try and push the stepchild out or privilege and favour your own kids from previous relationship, or subsequent children you have with their parentz especially not on the basis of "they're not always here" (not their fault!!).

Remember that when they are children/teens, their well-being is more important than that of any adult involved.

If you have any dislike for or resentment of your partner's children, or the ongoing effect of them of necessity having an ongoing relationship with their children's other parent, then suck it up and deal with it quickly or leave. It's hard enough for kids having their parents try to navigate co-parenting without some other grown adult bringing their wishes and resentments into play.

Basically unless you feel like you can benefit those kids by your presence in their life, don't go there. Never mind how much you love their parent; it's not about you, or them. Whenever there are kids involved, it should always first and foremost be about them.

My opinion as a stepchild!

Be kind, keep your nose out when it doesn't impact you, don't noticeably favour your own kids. I know I love my own kids a million times more than my step kids so I wouldn't expect my husband to love my daughter as much as he loves his own, but I would be furious if he treated her unfairly (he never has which is why he's still around/alive). My exs partner is perfectly nice but barely knows DD so all I expect is kindness - it would be weird if she loved her and even weirder if she tried to play a stepmum role. Her dad doesn't even play a dad role

A caring role model.

I had an ex who would take my two out with his one - and then spend twice as much (or more) on his one as my two. He was a total dick though. So - not that! Fairness. Treating all the children the same. Same treats, same discipline.

To be pleasant, kind and welcoming.

Ideally all DCs to be treated fairly within the same household (what is "fair" would depend on ages/interests) BUT I'd have no problems with any resident kids having days out/treats when my kids weren't there so long as the division was fair (so my kids included in 1/2 big days out and holidays and 1/3 general treats or something like that, though I wouldn't be prescriptive about it). This is on the basis that I would hope to be able to treat my kids as well when they were with me.

NOT to take on the majority of the childcare/housework. If I ever left DH, it would be because he doesn't pull his weight at home (always working). I'd be miffed to find that he'd fallen on his feet with some poor woman who he planned to use as an unpaid housekeeper and nanny.

NOT to let my children get away with being rude to her or not helping around the house or doing chores. I don't want my children growing up thinking they can treat other people like shit and get away with it.

To encourage ex DH to spend time alone with the children sometimes.

DS1 has a stepmother. He loves her, she loves him. If she loves him like I love him, that's fine, and if she loves him differently, then that's fine too.

She has been nothing but respectful, kind and loving. We get together at Christmas and on DS1's birthdays and there's nothing there but love. I am eternally thankful that when I can't be there for DS, she can be. Ex and I made a pact when we split that we'd try our best to make sure our relationship stayed positive. I'm sure when she met Ex that it could have been awkward and overwhelming, meeting someone who still spent time with their Ex. But she embraced it, her family adore DS1 and if you wrote a list of what you'd hope the woman loving your child in your absence was like, she'd be it.

DH is DS1's Step Dad and whilst it's different for him because DS1 lives here the majority of the time, it's not that different; he loves DS, DS loves him, DH is kind, warm and gives up time, energy and space to ensure DS1 never feels pushed out or different, and they've got hobbies they share. Unless you knew they weren't Father and Son it wouldn't ever be obvious; they like one another and DH hasn't ever done that alpha male "I'm the boss here" thing that some people might try to do with other people's DC. If he needs to remind DS1 about his attitude, he does it in a way that any one of us would remind a child in our care to adjust their attitude. Because of that as he's hit his teens DS1 has followed suit and hasn't done the "you're not my Dad" stuff - it's just not how their relationship works.

As difficult as having two families can be, I think it's been successful mainly because all four of us respect one another and cherish our roles in DS1's life. However, I am fully aware that the only reason it works is because the four of us all work in the same way. It would only take one of us to tip the balance or allow unkindness/disrespect in and once that's there it's hard to get past.

From a child’s perspective I’d say they shouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the treatment of them and any own children. Everyone should be equal within the household, extended family members elsewhere are obviously different. Not feel like guests or tolerated because the adult wants to date the other.

From an adults point of view I’d expect them to care for the child, treat them no different from any own children and ensure they are welcome at all times. So many seem to begrudge visits, child support payments etc.

I’d expect them to be really kind. I’d WANT or hope them to be like one of those SP’s you see on social media ever so often, where the kids get to adults and praise them for being as good as a real parent. Why not hope for the best? They bring so much joy to my heart watching those stories. What a woman / man you must be to throw your all into like that.

Kindness, raise them on the priority list alongside other kids, treated equally as other loved ones, effort to build a bond. Make the child know they're just as included in the family as they ever were despite a new person joining.

I'd want consistency, courtesy, caring.

1. So step-parent follows the same 'rules' as the bio parents and never undermines them.

2. Everyone is respectful and polite, listens to different opinions even if they disagree.

3. Is genuinely warm, kind, thinks about what each other want, likes, needs, and take it into consideration.

And it should work across the whole family, including ex's, and including how the dc behave towards parents and step-parents. accepts this is delusion

I would expect my child to be treated kindly and fairly. If there are other children I'd want them all to be treated the same when they are together.

It's silly to suggest someone love them like their own children, although it happens, I have a step father who definitely does love me as his own, I was his only child for almost 6 years before my sister arrived. But it shouldn't be an expectation.. I have children and stepchildren but I certainly don't love them the same. But I treat them all the same when they're together.

I also don't think it's all about how the children are treated.. as a step parent how I am treated is a big deal too. I have a good relationship with my stepkids mum and therefore I am more than willing to go out of my way to help if she needs it. However I would not be treated how I see some step parents treated on here. I don't think step parents should have expectations put onto them but I do think they should be as supportive as they are able to