Urgh, shouted at DS 12

[Allthestarsarecloser]

DS 12 went mountain biking with his friend today & got soaked. He took his school bag & before he left, DP asked him to empty it as it was full of school work books. DS didn’t do it and now all his books are drying out on the radiator in a mess & some of his work all smudged.

I was really cross with DS and shouted at him- told him I couldn’t understand why he didn’t take the books out before going on a muddly bike ride in the rain.

He got really really upset, saying he was stupid, hated himself etc so now I feel terrible for telling him off. But I am also cross that he ruined all his school books.

Aibu to be cross? I hate shouting & feel bad for getting annoyed but sometimes DS’s lack of care over stuff like his school books drives me bloody mad! I have apologised for shouting & said I handled it badly. DS said I was intimidating when I got cross which has obviously made me feel terrible.

He’s gone to bed now & I just feel so bad

I think we pussyfoot about too much these days. You were right to shout. Hopefully he’ll learn not to do it again. And you can’t have been that intimidating if you are so wracked with guilt you feel the need to post on here.

I am sure we have all done this in our time - but you are clearly aware that it was not ideal.

And there is a massive difference between being annoyed about something and being angry in a way that makes a child feel belittled and, in his words, "stupid."

I would go and apologise to him and tell him that you were really fed up that he had not done the right thing, but how proud you are of him for so many other things and that you love him. He will learn lots from that: that you love him; that people sometimes lose their tempers and then wish they hadn't; that it is good to say sorry when you get something wrong.

He is a 12 year old boy and there will be lots more stuff like this to wade through in the next few years; so best to get things on a good footing again.

I do not think you need to labour the fact that he messed up any further - I am sure he has got the message!

It's exactly something my 12 year old would do - me and dh would have both shouted. It would have totally made me see red that he was asked to do something and didnt bother. Your better than me as would have taken me until next day to apologise as I would just be so cross.

He is,suffering the consequences smudged work wet books.
No need for you to shout.

Ffs you shouted 😂 not the end of the world.

Maybe the next time he won’t be so daft

It’s not the worst thing in the world to feel stupid. It usually means when you go to make the same mistake again you stop and think.

Hardly think he’s scarred for life

What a non event. Parent shouts at child for not doing what they're told. In other news, bears shit in the woods.

You shouted. No big deal, you were cross. Who do the books belong to - him/your family, or the school? Are they ruined & need to be replaced, or will they dry out ok. If they belong to the school he needs to explain how they got damaged & apologise, & manage for the rest of the year with the damaged books. If you paid for them, he should come up with a way to "repay you" for having to replace them. Extra chores or something. And obviously redo/rewrite any work that was ruined.

I'd also get him involved in making sure they are properly dried out. Turning & separating pages etc, while they're still damp. It might increase the chances of them remaining useable.

Sometimes kids need to hear a bit of a shout, imo. You are rightly pissed off and he needs to know it. He was careless and negligent and that comes with consequences.

Have a calm talk with him in the morning and admit that yes, you were very frustrated and cross with him, for good reason, but no he is not stupid. Don't apologise for being upset with him, though.

I don't think the shouting was uncalled for - it was a pretty silly thing for him to do. Try not to take these things to heart - easier said than done, but I reckon that's the last time he'll make that particular error.