Asking for your experiences after miscarriage

[AliciaWhiskers]

Sorry, I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I am posting here for traffic and am feeling pretty low this morning.

We had our last cycle of IVF using our only frostie at the start of October, and I found out at what should have been 7+4 that there was no heartbeat and I'd had a MMC.

I stopped all my IVF meds and had a miscarriage 8 days ago. I'm still bleeding on and off and have got a scan tomorrow (which was arranged previously due to some spotting earlier on in the pregnancy) where hopefully they will check if I have passed everything or need any further intervention.

I'm really posting to ask what other people's experiences are of the time after the miscarriage. I've put on about 2kg since last week which I assume must be due to the hormones, but it's all on my stomach and I look more pregnant now than I did before the MC. I feel an emotional wreck today and have had an argument with my partner over something totally ridiculous and I just feel like crying. Is this normal?! How long does this hormonally challenged part last? At least on the IVF meds I felt quite hormonally stable but at the moment I feel all over the place.

Anyone?

Hi op I really don't have a clue as have never been in your position but I'm a hormonal wreck today and did not want to read and run if you just wanted someone to chat to.

So sorry to hear that.
I’ve had multiple miscarriages, most were pre 12 weeks and I passed these.
One needed surgery to remove what was not passed.
Very best wishes

I’ve had multiple miscarriages all before 12 weeks.
Really sorry you are going through this.
I found a would bleed/ spot for some weeks afterwards and was of course in a state emotionally x

One was more emotionally draining than the other but that one was very dark - waiting and waiting for a hospital appointment- I'd also had to let work down at the very last minute on something big and obviously they didn't know why. I then did start passing but was in a lot of pain because a bit got stuck and dp had to call an ambulance. I felt better after next period and telling friends who could support me.

@Mydogisagentleman

So sorry to hear that. I’ve had multiple miscarriages, most were pre 12 weeks and I passed these. One needed surgery to remove what was not passed. Very best wishes

Was it obvious that you needed surgery? I am a bit worried that I may not have passed everything as I have read some stories of miscarriage where they mention super heavy bleeding and I didn't have that. There was some tissue and clots, but it wasn't anywhere near as much as I was expecting, and my pregnancy test (which they said I had to do before going into EPU tomorrow) is still strongly positive. I guess it's only been a week but I wonder if it's all passed or not? I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Just let yourself feel it and tell dp how you are feeling. Goodluck X

@AliciaWhiskers
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've had 5 miscarriages......I would say the first week after I was a hormonal and emotional mess - more crying than not. Then gradually the good days stated to outnumber the bad and I'd feel like i could laugh and joke again without feeling guilty. Not going to lie there were days in the weeks and months afterwards where I would just cry out of the blue - not always triggered by something just sometimes I'd be hit by an overwhelming wave of sadness and grief.
I often felt that DH didn't understand/wasn't going through the same loss as he didn't have the hormonal and body changes to contend with and we did argue a bit but i guess after the first miscarriage we knew what we needed from each other and was better able to help each other through the subsequent ones
I kept a little notebook of random quotes or snippets of things that ran through my head then I'd put the book away. Sometimes Id get it out and have a good cry and then put it away again. I suppose for me it was my way of dealing with things and being able to get back to a normal routine - I couldn't let it take over my life/mind and it was a way of compartmentalising I suppose x

As for the bleeding it depends really - what they measured you at at 7+4 and what was visible - obviously if you need to pass a sac and embryo the bleeding will much heavier and prolonged than if there was no sac visible or if it had already started to collapse. I've always done my miscarriages naturally at home between 7 weeks and 12. My body seems to hang on to them though so I wouldn't generally start to pass anything until hcg was close to zero

I've had 4 mc, 2 of which have been mmc. I had surgery for the 1st one but 3 weeks later started bleeding heavily again (passing large clots) so had to go back in for a second surgery.
For second mmc I opted to take the tablets, misoprostol I think. I passed some clots and bled heavily for couple hours but then it stopped. Over the course of the next couple of weeks I bled heavily on and off and regularly passed clots. I ended up being ambulance into hospital as hadn't passed it all properly. I was actially shocked at the amount that did come out, I was about 8 weeks if I recall at time I took the pills. Emotionally I was all over the place. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. In future I would book a private scan to check everything has passed. I was told that it wpuld take at least 14 days for hcg to drop too

Hello OP, so sorry. I had 2 MC, one was at 6 weeks where it was bad cramps for a few days and heavy blood clots. Emotionally it was really tough as it was the first time I had been pregnant. Second MC was second time I was pregnant. I went for 12 week scan and was told the baby had no heartbeat. I was totally shocked and emotionally numb and arranged to have a D&C the next day. I was angry and devastated. The world seemed a cruel place. Everywhere I looked people were pregnant or announcing they were pregnant. All I wanted was my baby but I had lost my two. I wondered if it was my fault, had I done something wrong?Consultant said it was more common that people realise and to try and give myself a break and then try again. OP, grieve, be angry but ultimately be kind to yourself. x

I had a MMC at 10weeks, the hospital told me to go back to a scan I believe it was two weeks later, to make sure I passed everything. If you're concerned, definitely ring & see.

I had a MMC back in Dec last year, mine was medically managed with tablets and there was quite a lot of blood and clots for 2 days.

The road to recovery for me was hard, I had 4 weeks off at the time from work, went back for 6 weeks and was not myself at all, tearful everyday, just emotionally could not cope. So I had to take another 4 weeks off.

I didn’t get a negative pregnancy test for at least 2 weeks and periods returned after around 6 weeks I think.

Losing a baby at any stage in pregnancy, is so hard and traumatic, so make sure you give yourself the appropriate time you need to heal

Thanks all for sharing your experiences and I am sorry you have all experienced miscarriage as well, especially sorry for those who have had several miscarriages.

I don't feel judged by DP but he and his ex experienced MMC during one of their rounds of IVF so he has been through this before. I think his partner at the time really struggled, and I feel a kind of pressure to be ok so he doesn't have to experience both another MMC and another partner taking it really hard.

But we aren't having any more rounds of IVF so I now how to accept that we won't have a child together. And I'm really sad about that.

Understood about the level of bleeding depending on the stage of pregnancy. I was 7+4 but was measuring much smaller so maybe that's why there was not too much bleeding.

Hi OP sorry you’re going through this. I found at an early scan a few months that I had had a MMC and I started miscarrying naturally at what would have been 10 weeks. I was told to prepare for a lot of blood and heavy clots but instead I had what would have been a medium flow period for a week with maybe a handful of smaller clots. I then bled lightly then on and off for about 3 weeks. I was asked by EPU to take a pregnancy test, which came back positive, and so I had a follow up scan the next day which showed the miscarriage was incomplete and so I had to have surgery. My hormones were all over the place and my fatigue was awful until I had the surgery, a few days after I started feeling much more like my old self again.

If your test is positive then there is a possibility you have some retained product, but they will talk through your options. The surgery itself was absolutely fine and I had wish I’d gone for this option straight away rather than endure weeks of bleeding and feeling awful (I started to MC to night before my pre op and so consultant decided it might be best to deal with it naturally). Hope you’re OK OP it’s a horrible thing to have to go through, make sure you rest and be kind to yourself

Hi OP I’m so sorry for your loss. I have had two MMC (stopped growing around 7 weeks each time) and for both had to wait until I stopped the IVF medication and then the passing of clots arrived after that. The pain and bleeding were actually not as bad as I had feared, there were some big clots for maybe three days each time, and then a bit of bleeding for longer. I still got positive pregnancy tests for at least a couple of weeks, but when I went for scans they had both fully passed and I had no need for medical intervention.

For me, going back to work and a form of normality quite quickly was important, but I know that’s not the case for everyone. Just be gentle on yourself, lots of baths and comfort food and sleep were good for me. And loads of water.

Big hugs OP xx

So sorry to hear this, my thoughts are with you. I had three miscarriages all which passed without intervention at varying times after I started spotting. Rest up, do some self care, light a nice candle, eat a chocolate eclair, Buy a new handbag whatever calls to you and I found yoga really helped. Seek comfort from your friends and don’t be afraid to talk x

I suspect the eclair eating might not help my weight gain! Did anyone else get that? It's so weird!

Scan today showed an area which they are not sure if it's blood or retained tissue. I could opt for an MVA but there is a 2 week wait until the next appointment. So more waiting...

Hi op, so sorry you are going through this. I had a MMC last year after IVF and I felt horrendously emotional and at times angry at the unfairness. The worst part I found was the waiting between stopping the meds and the bleeding starting. I didn’t have a second scan after so don’t have experience of that part but what I would recommend is seeing a counsellor - your clinic are required to provide I think 2 sessions per round of IVF. I went to these alone and it really helped me to be able to express exactly how I was feeling and have someone listen and work through those with me without having to worry about upsetting my DH or having people I know judge me. My counsellor was brilliant and I’m not sure how I would have coped without her. I’d say make sure you are speaking to a counsellor who specialises in infertility. Above all be kind to yourself and try not to put yourself under pressure to act, think or feel anything specific.

So sorry you are going through this. You should definitely have a scan a couple of weeks after to check that everything has gone - I did with my first two. First MC took three weeks to complete but very light in last week, the second was over in a week. The third was dealt with surgically as I was then under the clinic as they did genetic tests. Emotionally up and down a bit but I was very focused on getting past each one ASAP to try again. I’ve posted on another thread about how I coped - probably a bit weird in many people’s eyes but suited me. I already had DC1. If you get a final scan to check everything has gone, ask who else will be waiting for scans, I mean, for what conditions. This was over 10 years ago and hopefully has changed but whereas the immediate scans were in the gynae emergency the one a couple of weeks later was in the general scanning unit so I was surrounded by 20 week scan people bringing out their photos. And that was at Liverpool women’s, one of the more progressive units. I was told the reason was the need to use the high def scanners to check properly and they didn’t have one in the emergency department due to cost. I hope this has changed but I would advise asking so you know if you will have to deal with that.

@Littlelot thanks for the reminder about the IVF counselling, I had forgotten about that. I don't know what's available during COVID/lockdown but I will contact the clinic and see what they can offer. I think it would be good to talk to someone external to the situation to talk stuff through. I can talk to DP but it can be difficult and although we are both grieving the loss of this pregnancy, we are also grieving different losses. I have 2 children from a previous relationship but always thought I would have more children, so I am processing the fact that I won't have more children. He doesn't have children so he is processing that the likelihood is that he won't ever have any of his own. I feel guilty sharing some of my feelings around this loss because I know I am so incredibly fortunate to have children already. I know that doesn't mean this loss is any less painful or difficult, and I can't compare myself to him (or anyone) but I do feel less entitled to be sad about it when potentially he is in a worse off position than me, iyswim.

Anyway, long winded way of saying counselling would be good!