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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To presume he's blowing cold and I need to let him come to me

20 replies

Londonmix · 14/11/2020 12:58

Getting to know a man. In the flirty chatty stage. Everything is going well. But I know he's not over his ex as they split two years ago and she's still on his wall kissing him. But I know he was depressed after the split and I'm the first girl he's taken any sort of chance with since. He's been honest about only just feeling ready to be with someone. He's said everyday this week he can't stop thinking of me and he wakes up in the night thinking of me. He's text me each morning and we speak throughout the day. Due to lockdown no dating at the moment!

Last night I said I was going to bed after chatting. I text to say goodnight. He didn't reply which was no problem.

Usually he will text in the morning. But today he hasn't said a single thing to me. He's been on and off Facebook but no message. As I was the last to text I've left it.

I remember the younger me being too contacty and I just absolutely don't want to text him if he's blowing cold. He also shared a quote on FB at 1am so he was awake late.

If someone's been really keen then suddenly goes silent on you do give them space for a day or send a brief how are you message?

I'm inclined to leave it in his court now?

I feel like he's dropping a massive hint on me.

Only kind replies please. I can't read men at all!

I know people will say I'm over investing but I just think this is such a strange change in his behaviour.

OP posts:

GreenlandTheMovie · 14/11/2020 13:01

I suspect he does/did the same with his ex. Men online are generally bad news I'm afraid, with a few exceptions. All that stuff about not being able to stop thinking about you is far too premature and designed to draw you in.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2020 13:03

Sounds like he's carrying too much emotional baggage. I'd leave it and move on if I were you.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2020 13:06

And perhaps try to build your own confidence, as that'll help you raise the bar and put boundaries firmly in place when it comes to learning to 'read men'.

I'd start by no longer referring to yourself as a 'girl' and them as 'men'.

Mentally, that's a glaring inequality right there.

Foliageeverywhere122 · 14/11/2020 13:06

Red flag for sure

He's said everyday this week he can't stop thinking of me and he wakes up in the night thinking of me.

He doesn’t even know you yet!

Crappyfridays7 · 14/11/2020 13:07

Let him come to you, don’t be too eager play it cool I think if it’s too easy for some men they don’t need to try so hard.

I just enjoyed life, if someone wants to join you in yours and you theirs it’s a bonus and should be enjoyable not tense waiting for them to maybe text, maybe not just get on with it (hard just now I know) play the field until things feel right and you’ll find if he’s a keeper or just passing through. It’s hard though to just let it go, and some men just start speaking to someone else or get bored but just means you find out fast if they are really interested or not. Don’t play games, be straight up and don’t allow him to waste your time...I had so many who just chatted forever then vanished so I met within 2 weeks.

I’m with someone now and i knew he was interested, he told me. He text when he said he would and he’s genuine and kind a really nice guy and I’m glad I held out for him as it’s been 2 years soon. I hope this guy is what you want and just taking it slow. I’m sure you’ll find out soon, it’s hard putting yourself out there over and over

RedTawny · 14/11/2020 13:11

Why are you wanting to message him? For the sake of it? Because you think you should or because you want to? Sorry if my tones sounds off, I'm speaking nicely it just seems like you have a lot of contact and theres really no need. If he wants to speak to you I'm sure he will, crack on with your day and catch up with him later or tomorrow. Although the stuff aboutinf thinking about you all the time would put me off at this early stage

DeliaOwens · 14/11/2020 13:15

OP. You are doing the right thing. His actions will speak louder than his words, and so will yours

Cool it and be busy when he texts. Don't be too available. Show you have a full life outside of him. Otherwise he sees this as if HE is in control here.

In my experience. Men talk the talk, but don't always walk the walk.

Original poster

Londonmix · 14/11/2020 13:17

Thanks for the replies. It has been nice chatting to him. I've met him face to face a few times so he's not a mystery man like that.

Yes I should have called myself a women not a girl.

I think actions speak louder than words and I'm not wanting constant messages. It's just he suddenly stopped without saying he would catch up another time. It's abit off for him as he normally says I'm going to work or whatever.

I will definitely leave it now but it is a shame. He's older than me too so I hoped he'd be more straight forward. I was hoping after lockdown we could start meeting that's why I've been quite keen to chat.

His mostly been first to chat too. Like I say this is a complete 360. I feel like he went to bed last night and something changed. But I don't have time to be messed about. Thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:

Elieza · 14/11/2020 13:19

Sounds like a bit of love bombing?

Or perhaps he’s really tried to get into you and him together but he’s just not ready yet?

Or could there be a misunderstanding or he’s trying you to see how keen you are? As he’s really feeling like it IS time to have a relationship with you and is a bit scared. You could message him and see how he responds?

Although I doubt he is ready to move on if he is still a social media contact of his ex. He needs to let her go and not be involved with her at all, even on social media reading her posts. It’s living in the past.

When you split with someone you need to get them out of your head. Wonder what they are doing now and not know the answer. Eventually you stop wondering as it’s pointless and stop crying and their memory fades.

You move on.

He can’t as he’s still down the rabbit hole of her social media.

He may have seen pics and she was wearing an outfit or at a particular park (or something that was about him and her back in the day) and it brought it all back and now he feels the connection again...

I’d ask him how he feels about you and tell him that you have concerns that he’s not ready for a relationship. If no convincing explanation is forthcoming I’d leave him and move on. You don’t need his drama and mind games.

Elieza · 14/11/2020 13:20

Cross posted!

Original poster

Londonmix · 14/11/2020 13:26

His ex isn't on his Facebook now but they still have photos on there tagged. So he's definitely not over her.

I have thought is it him wanting me to message first. But I just don't know? I text him first Thursday morning and usually the rest of the day we are equal.

I don't think it's creepy that he said he's thinking of me because it's abit that way my end too.

I just don't trust his behaviour today. But I guess I'll know by tonight either way. After the last few days it would be very clear if nothing is said today.

OP posts:

GreenlandTheMovie · 14/11/2020 13:26

OP - A lot of women with more confidence than you would find what he is, saying quite inappropriate and annoying. Consider g he hasn't met you, its ridiculous. He has targeted you because you are responsive to thus sort of nonsense. Decent men make good conversation, arrange to meet up and take it slowly. They do not try to convince you they are in love with you before you ever meet up!

Original poster

Londonmix · 14/11/2020 13:28

His actual house wall his ex gf is on.

He sent me a selfie and she was on the wall!

OP posts:

Original poster

Londonmix · 14/11/2020 13:29

He's met me before and he hasn't said he's in love with me.

He wants to cook for me. We are locked down didn't now so it's hard.

OP posts:

96315id · 14/11/2020 13:30

My guess is his ex has seen him getting serious and thrown him a bone.

Original poster

Londonmix · 14/11/2020 13:34

There's nothing to see. She's not on his page. We don't flirt on Facebook.

I think it's time to walk away anyhow. Thanks.

OP posts:

Newkitchen123 · 14/11/2020 13:36

Maybe he's just trying to slow down
Don't rely on the fact that it says he's online that's not always reliable
I say this as sometimes when I wake in the night I have a scroll, it says my husband is online sometimes.... He's fast asleep next to me!

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 13:51

I think you should relax a bit. Don’t read too much into this sort of thing. Just keep your guard up, don’t be overly keen and see what happens. 🤷🏻‍♀️

firesong · 14/11/2020 14:02

You don't have to give up on it, can you take it easy and see where it goes? I know it's easy to get sucked into analysing texting behaviour etc, but honestly it isn't worth it.

And by the way, I have never and would never remove old tags from Facebook after a relationship ended. Not because I'm not over them either! I just find it strange to do that.

pictish · 14/11/2020 14:37

“But I know he's not over his ex as they split two years ago and she's still on his wall kissing him. But I know he was depressed after the split and I'm the first girl he's taken any sort of chance with since. He's been honest about only just feeling ready to be with someone.”

Are you supposed to be grateful? Flattered? Sensitive to his pain?

Wouldn’t you rather pursue things with someone who’s not all bent out of shape about his ex two years later?
I know I couldn’t be arsed with all the angst.

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