WIBU to tell her to ask DH?

[WorksTheDinerAllDay]

For background, DH and I both work full time. We have two kids and have pretty equal roles in their care, DH is hands on with the kids and the housework. If anything, DH is currently doing more during Covid because we're unable to access after school care and his hours are flexible and mine are not so he's doing the pick ups.

With regards to our families, I leave him to deal with his and I deal with mine in terms of communication, arranging visits, buying presents etc. I should also add that due to my parents divorcing and re marrying my family is twice the size as his.

Despite all of this, every year at this time the messages start coming from his family to me and me alone, asking what DC would like for Christmas and to provide pictures of the kids to put in an annual calendar etc.

I've already had one message from SIL a couple of weeks ago and at the time I said I was snowed under but I'd get to it if I could, but if she needed things quickly she could contact DH. I've just had another message and I've straight up told her to message DH instead because I'm too busy, but now I'm feeling guilty.

I am too busy. We had to take a couple of weeks off the other week between us when the kids needed to self isolate, and I've fallen behind on some projects. I've also started getting these sort of requests from my family, I'm supporting a close friend who's Dad is dying, and frankly I'm fed up with the idea that I'm the automatic choice for these sorts of requests, given that DH is more than capable of responding. It's also notable that my family would never dream of contacting DH for this stuff, probably because he's a man

It's totally crappy but I just write a list on the run up to birthdays and Christmas and when I'm asked what the kids want I assign a present to someone. It's easy, they don't get two of anything and they don't get a load of crap they don't want.

Royalbloo that's a good idea for the future. I'm also struggling this year for ideas just for me to buy the kids as they're at an awkward age.

However the photos thing is a bit more laborious as it involves trawling through the back up files to find pictures where the children are not pulling a face.

My DH’s family used to do this. I would just forward onto him. If anyone chased me I said DH was dealing with it. After about two years they just stopped coming to me and interestingly, SIL has now adopted the same approach with her in-laws.

Being the organiser is not a default position that comes with being female.

Yanbu. We have a bunch of December birthdays in my family and I’ve just had a narky phonecall from one of DH’s relatives asking why I haven’t organised any parties. I politely said it’s because we are in lockdown but why didn’t I also say fuck off would you speak to DH like this!?

Well I do get why you’re annoyed if it’s a default female thing, but I also think in the time it took to respond you could have just forwarded it to your DH and asked him to deal with it.

I also think your SiL was trying to do a nice thing and get your kids something they’d like as a gift, rather than guessing and them being disappointed, so perhaps being arsey with her about the unfairness of our patriarchal society was a bit uncalled for.

Your response would have put my back up as being unnecessarily rude to be honest, even if you phrased it nicely.

I wasn't arsey and made no mention of the patriarchal society .

I merely asked her to ask DH and said I was snowed under.

@WorksTheDinerAllDay

I wasn't arsey and made no mention of the patriarchal society .

I merely asked her to ask DH and said I was snowed under.

So why couldn't you have told her you were snowed under but would pass her request on to DH? Thus making the same point, but appearing less arsey 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you think your response was not motivated by that, then why do you feel guilty ?

The fact remains you’ve spent the same amount of time going back to her to say you won’t answer and to ask your DH, than you would have done by just forwarding it to DH yourself. But it’s increased her work. As a PP pointed out, when they passed requests onto their DH to answer, the family ultimately got the point and started going directly to him.

Your OP is full of complaint about how they ask you over DH and how your family wouldn’t dream of asking DH because he’s a man.

You may have been polite in your response, and you may genuinely be snowed under, but you were making a point to your SiL when she was trying to do something nice for your kids and that would have come across very clearly if I’d received your text. Which I’d guess is why you feel guilty. I think you could have handled it better. If you’re so certain of your position, why ask AIBU ?

A bit of an over reaction just ask your dh to do it for her.

I've literally told inlaws that I do my side of the family, DH does his.

My SIL still thanks me for every bunch of flowers she receives from DH.

I have to confess that I actually will buy a present for Inlaws if I happen to be shopping before DH. But they don't need to know that.