To ask if my therapist is useless?

[Untherapeutic]

I'm having therapy for the second time and I feel like I'm throwing money down the drain I can't really afford. My experience with my first therapist was a positive one and I felt like I grew from the experience but with my current one who I've been seeing for several months now even though she seems like a nice woman generally, I feel like she's just phoning it in as a therapist, so to speak and she hasn't really tried to delve deep or explore any of the issues I came to therapy for.

I will some examples. I was talking to her recently about something I felt guilty about that I know in my heart wasn't my fault but my brain will sometimes trick me into feeling guilty about and all she could offer was 'Don't feel guilty about it' and I felt like I was shut down after that as she made no attempt to explore the meaning of it to me or unpick why I feel the way I do, like my previous therapist would've done. It's a therapist's job to dig deep and ask probing questions surely, as opposed to offering empty platitudes?

Consequently I end up feeling like I have to move on from topics quickly and she is setting the agenda rather than me and that I'm somehow boring her with my thoughts and issues.

I know it might not be the norm but my previous therapist sometimes went over time for our appointments (she didn't charge me extra, just to be clear) whereas this one will take between 5-10 minutes of what should be my therapy time at the end to do 'admin' like booking the next appointment or telling me when she will be on holiday so appointment can be changed. I can understand a minute or two for practicalities but she is always halting the session very prematurely to do this. It makes me feel like a nuisance and just a number, like she is rushing off on my time I pay for to go and do something more interesting than listen to me.

In the months I've been seeing her I can't think of one epiphany or lightbulb moment I've had, just empty platitudes force fed to me.

AIBU or are most therapists like this?

Have you agreed what your goals in therapy are? Would you feel able to say that you were hoping to talked about x, and that you want that on the agenda next time?

I can see the practicalities thing would be annoying but maybe they have clients back to back so can't keep people waiting. However the other stuff is fair enough to be pissed off about.

I'm always unsure about the ethics of private therapy because it seems like it could be in the therapist's interest to keep the sessions going for longer than needed to get extra money. I'm sure that's not the case for all though.

You’re not clicking with this therapist (who sounds a bit shit from your post), 100% find another.

@BullshitVivienne

In terms of therapy goals/objectives, we have agreed them loosely but she didn't even ask me until about 6 weeks into therapy so it didn't seem like a priority for her and from my perspective, I'm not so focused on goals as just wanting to feel heard. I mean if you can't feel heard by someone you're literally paying to listen to you then who can you feel heard by?!

I wouldn't feel that comfortable raising my concerns as I doubt she would be able to take them on board and change. She is unlikely to change her whole therapy style to suit me, I don't even know if she has the skills or ability to. There are so many therapists online who state they are experienced in dealing with a plethora of conditions but the reality is they just seem to tick everything to maximise their reach to clients even though she know very little about many of these issues. I feel this is what has happened in my case.

I also understand your concerns about the ethics of private therapy and it is something I think about frequently. It does feel like so many therapists treat it as easy money rather than a vocation. I'm not paying hundreds per hour thankfully but what does it say about the ethics of therapists who charge this amount? I'm going off on a tangent but I think it's so poorly regulated as a profession considering how many highly vulnerable clients there are using private therapists.

If she didn't talk to you about the goals of your sessions, she must be kind of an idiot, I think. I'd go elsewhere.

How did you find her and what is her claimed job title?

Reason I ask is unfortunately assuming you're in the Uk ANYONE can call themselves a counsellor, therapist even psychotherapist in this country with no regulation, or accredited training whatsoever - basically any fool who thinks they can do the job can set themselves up in an office, maybe make themselves a fancy website and start "treating" people with sod all training or knowledge.

That's of course not to say it's the case or ALL Uk therapists but it makes it damn hard for lay people to spot the "fakes"

Mh is such an important and fragile thing I think these occupations SHOULD require professional auditing and accreditation and registration.

Either way she clearly isn't working for you so fire her and find someone who actually knows what they're doing.

You're right a good therapist will challenge you, unpick the reasons and history behind dysfunctional thinking and action and help you to develop healthier ways of thinking and living.

Ask for recommendations if you have anyone you could ask, and check out any future potential therapists with regard to recognised and well regarded qualifications and experience

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#PrivateTherapists

I agree with the other posters - if you're not clicking, time to find a new one. I also agree with you about poor level of regulation of therapists.

One the subject of finishing the session on time however I think you've been mislead by your past experience: admittedly it was ages ago but when I did my psyche placement in nursing, finishing therapy sessions on the dot was most definitely a big thing. There was a thought through reason for this which I can't clearly recall.

@DPotter

I agree with the other posters - if you're not clicking, time to find a new one. I also agree with you about poor level of regulation of therapists.

One the subject of finishing the session on time however I think you've been mislead by your past experience: admittedly it was ages ago but when I did my psyche placement in nursing, finishing therapy sessions on the dot was most definitely a big thing. There was a thought through reason for this which I can't clearly recall.

Patient/therapist boundaries. Finishing a therapy session late should be very unusual. However, if you pay for an hour, you should get about an hour. I'd expect the session to start winding up ten minutes previously and then spent a couple of minutes tops booking the next session.

Regardless of this, OP, I think you need a new therapist if you're not clicking.

Consequently I end up feeling like I have to move on from topics quickly and she is setting the agenda rather than me and that I'm somehow boring her with my thoughts and issues.

This.

I would cut my losses and find a new one. Also look into the holistic psychologist on Instagram as she's very much about journalling and self reflection to dig down into the 'what this really means'
You sound like you're ready to go deeper as it were and you may find a more analytical approach such as a clinical Psychologist who is a psychoanalyst would be more suitable.
If she makes you feel in anyway unsafe or as though you are not completely able to express yourself thoughtfully and safely, how can you grow and explore?
I would get rid.

Is you're in SW London I can recommend a brilliant therapist, OP. This one sounds terrible.

Find a new one.

I think there are lots of therapists out there with the right qualifications who like the idea of combining money making with their inherent nosiness, so therapy is a perfect fit.

In fact I think it's hard to find a good therapist, someone who combines insight and empathy with genuine interest in the human mind and an ability to interpret symbols, good therapists are like gold dust.

I looked for someone with lots of letters after their name. It meant I had more faith in them being able to assist me.

Agree with other posters that finding a therapist whose approach works for you is a very personal thing. I've seen 5 or 6 therapists over the years, one whose style really helped me and I saw for over a year, a couple who were reasonably useful for me, and 2 that I stopped seeing after 2 or 3 sessions because I knew that we weren't creating a relationship that was going to help me with my issues. Find another therapist and dont feel bad about it. If you are paying privately, it should be relatively easy to do.

I would find a new therapist if I were you, this one is really not working out for you. You don't have to tell her why, but if you do feel like you have to justify your decision you could just say you can no longer afford it.

And remember that more than most other things, the therapeutic relationship is the best predictor of change in therapy, so if you don't click, you're not likely to meet your goals and feel better.

Wow some of these comments are so judgemental from people that I'm guessing don't have an in-depth knowledge of the profession!

Letters don't indicate a person with a greater self-awareness a greater ability to work with people, or time spent with clients, only that they have studied more. Their empathy doesn't increase because they have a masters Vs a diploma.

What modality is your current counsellor Vs your old one? Does this modality actually suit what you're in counselling for?

Have you spoken with your counsellor about what you want to explore and get from counselling? If not, remember she isn't a mind reader.

You mentioned your previous counsellor extended time - this is a boundary issue and not always a good one, but your counsellor chose to do make that choice and your new counsellor sticks to time boundaries as she is trained to do.

Before going to a new counsellor consider what you have put in to your counselling. You use words like being 'tricked' by your brain and I wonder the ownership you are taking of your choices.

This isn't to say your counsellor is right for you, it sounds like you feel dismissed when trying to open up and this in itself can be damaging.

I wonder what stops you telling her how it makes you feel when she shuts down something that feels important to you?

Mine was much more proactive and helpful than that. Sounds like a bad fit - not all therapists will click with you in the right way. I would find another.

I would look at the BACP website and they have a list of approved counsellors.

Look at your approaches and what you hope to get out of it.

Cbt is goal led

Person centred is about you leading the sessions and you being on an equal footing with the therapist. It’s about you having an awakening.

Psychodynamic is about the counsellor
Being the professional and assisting you to get where you need to be. Also looks at your childhood.