Ready for a complete meltdown

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

So my 9yr old DS has ADHD and autism, so his behaviour isn't always the best. This week however has taken the absolute piss. He has punched my OH in the face (not dad) during a telling off, and then tonight has set fire to his brand new bed/mattress with a lighter pilfered from a high shelf in my bedroom (no idea how he reached it). Not going to lie, I absolutely lost my shit with him, I screamed at him that he could have burnt the house down, and I called him an idiot. He's very defiant, saying he's going to tell the school I screamed at him, and that u hit him (not true). How on earth do I handle this??

Hopeful bump

Sounds a nightmare. I wouldn't worry about him telling school. Any idea why this week has been so bad?

I have no idea, think he's just getting to an awkward age, his attitude has been really disgusting lately, answering back, not listening etc. I'm just at my wit's end, and now on top of that, I feel like shit because I wasn't able to retain control of my emotions. God knows what the neighbors think, me screaming at the top of my lungs like some bat shit crazy loon.

Cut yourself a massive bit of slack. He COULD have burnt your house down. I don’t think anyone is going to blame you for shouting at him! Especially not the school, don’t worry about that.

If there ever was a situation to lose your shit is your nine year child playing with fire! Other examples are playing in traffic,juggling knives, drinking poison. Please when things are calm have a sit down chat with him and try to get him to talk to you. It could be hormones or stress from school manifesting in his defiant and dangerous behavior. Any chance at talking with his doctor or a school counselor? Violence and arson is up there at top of worrying behavior

My ds has ADHD also. I've been doing a course for the past couple of weeks, and apparently it's a fairly common thing for children with ADHD to take an interest in pyrotechnics. He's not thinking about the consequences at all or thinking things through, but is being impulsive, and starting fires is attractive.

Do you have support with professionals?

You didn't do anything wrong. Sorry but having adhd or autism isn't an excuse to set fire to furniture. Let him tell the school. In the future there must be some method of preventing him getting to that level of anger. Sounds silly but is he getting enough fresh air and exercise to burn his energy off ?

I think it’s an occasion where you are entitled to loose your shit. Sometimes we have to make our kids feel uncomfortable to help them learn a lesson.

I agree. You're not the one in the wrong here.

I’d tell the school myself. “DS set fire to his mattress”. Any and all support should be requested in dealing with this sort of acting out, because the result could be tragic.

Actually I think it would be good if her told the school because then they would find out about the fire.

That might prove a prompt for more support for you and him

Don’t let him know you’re worried about him telling school as he might use it against you and create more havoc. Setting fire to something is more than stupid, so don’t worry about flipping out.

His disabilities shouldn't be used to excuse criminal behaviour - so far he's assaulted someone and committed arson - autism or no I'd have completely lost my shit. Presumably you have other children in the household that also need protecting? I'd be having a word with school about his escalating behaviour and also making it clear to him that that kind of behaviour from him has serious consequences

I’d tell him that you’re both going to tell the school together about the fire.

Don’t excuse appalling behaviour because of his diagnosis. My friend’s son is ASD with ADHD and he’s a lovely child. Not destructive, not rude, not violent. He’s very witty and active and has a real affinity with animals. I know each child is different but don’t let him get away with it because of his diagnosis.

I would recommend contacting your local fire service, they do educational sessions for children who have either set fires or displayed a fascination with fire.
Much more common than you'd think unfortunately.
In the meantime, make sure you put up a smoke alarm in his bedroom.

I’d be making an appointment with the headteacher and the GP, telling them exactly what you said in your OP and begging them to throw every resource and referral they could my way.

ADHD and Autism are not to blame here. This is just plain old bad behaviour, and it should be disciplined how you would discipline a neurotypical child. He desperately needs to learn consequences. Shouting isn't a consequence. He set fire to his mattress so he loses his mattress is a clear and logical consequence that make sense to an autistic mind.

He set fire to his mattress so he loses his mattress is a clear and logical consequence that make sense to an autistic mind.

And what, he sleeps on the floor?

My neighbours son died, aged 10, after playing with a lighter in his bedroom - he'd locked the door and they couldn't get him out,

It was 30yrs ago but that night, and the funeral car going down the street, are forever etched in my memory.

Please tell the school and ask for support in getting help.

Okay, thank you for the (mostly) sensible responses. My child will not be sleeping on the floor. I have however, made it clear that Christmas will be a bit of a dismal one for him this year, and that he can tell the school whatever he bloody well likes because I am beyond seething with him. I also childishly refused to talk to him whilst he ate his breakfast this morning because I didn't have anything nice to say.

I will definitely be contacting the school and his psychiatrist asap to access some support for him and for myself also, as I am at the end of my tether, and despite his behaviour, screaming in his face is not ideal behaviour on my part either.

School can refer to the fire service too, it really is worthwhile, in addition to other support for you all.