not to want to see MIL this weekend....

[maviscrewit]

She's just been discharged from a two month stay at a mental health hospital due to bipolar disorder. We don't get on at the best of times and I'm worried she will upset/frighten the children as she is still having mood swings. I'm very surprised she's been discharged as she is technically still sectioned and I am very worried about meeting her. Any advice?? DH just thinks its best to get the visit over and done with as she won't stop phoning until we see her. I just want to bury head in sand

Do you have to take the dc this time round?

Can DH go on his own? You could make up some urgent thing for you and the DCs this weekend and say you didn't expect her home this weekend.

It might be best if just your DH went the first time, for everyone's sake.

I've tried suggesting DH goes on his own but he won't. I don't want to take the children but its what she wants. Its the children she wants to see. I'll talk to him again. She's such hard work and has angry mood swings. I never know what to say to her and I know she resents me for not letting her see the children more and for taking her DS away from her. Maybe I should put my foot down and say I'm really not comfortable with it.

How old are your kids? Are they old enough to explain to that Grandma has been unwell and may be acting a bit strangely when they see her. Forewarned is forearmed.

But if you are too worried about her stability, put your foot down and make a crappy excuse if you can't face explaining to her why.

They're 2.5 and 1. The one year old probably won't notice much but the older one is quite sensitive and doesn't get on with her much, she's always sensed her wierdness IYSWIM! There was an incident when dd1 was a baby and she just took her from me without asking or saying where she was going and I feel I can't trust her now and that was before all this. I think I will put my foot down and trust my instinct. Thanks for advice.

could you leave the children with your dps and accompany dh. He may be uncomfortable seeing his mum in this condition too you know. Show him a bit of support and keep the dc out of it. He can't fault you on that.

Bipolar is a disorder, not a "weirdness".

Do you have any information you can read to acquaint yourself with her very severe illness?

This is a difficult one, i feel for you i really do. I've been in sort of the same situation twice with my parents. My father had terrible alzheimers, and i was really quite worried about taking DD to see him when she was born. I was worried how he would react, i knew he would adore her but he might not understand when we needed to leave, etc, the poor man changed so much. I never had to make that decision as he developed lung cancer and died when she was 8 weeks old having never seen her (something i'll regret for the rest of my life). Now, to say my mother is a difficult one is an understatement. In fact i have started more than one thread about her over the past few weeks. I think she is mentally ill TBH, or having some sort of breakdown. At this moment in time she is not speaking to me and i feel guilty about this but i actually feel qutie calm this week and unstressed (long story)> But, i do worry that she is isolating herself and not seeing my DD which i think is really sad for her - im letting her stew in her own juices and i know she will come round, but i am an only child so it is a big worry to think of her festering all alone basically.

You do have to ask yourself if you are REALLY scared for your childrens safety? One would assume that she would not be released into the community if she were considered a danger to herself or anyone else (i know thats not straight forward). I know MIL can be shite at the best of times, and you sound like you have your hands full with yours. I do wonder if you could find it within yourself to do her this one favour though, yes it will be a crap afternoon for you, yes it will be worrying and uncomfortable and the kids probably wont enjoy it. There must be a way to guage her mood, could DH go first and call you if things seem ok?? It would probably mean so much to a very lonely and scared person (i can imagine that Bipolor disorder is hell, given that suffering from PND is bad enough for me!) and that seeing her grandchildren could be something this lady has hung alot on, it may be something that could help her through her illness.

Only you can answer to yourself why you dont want to visit, and if you feel that your children wont be safe then don't take them, but otherwise, please give this some thought. I would give anything if i could turn the clock back and had taken my DD to see my dad before he died, but i made excuses to myself, it wont be hygenic (he was in a care home), the other residents would be smothering, he might hurt the baby (yeah right, as if!!), he wont know its his grandchild etc etc etc - i have to live with that decision for the rest of my life

Hold on...am sure maviscrewit was just describing it as "weirdness" because of the way her 2 year old sees it, not how she understands bipolar herself. Her OP used fairly sensitive language - she didn't exactly say my MIL's a nutter etc

I agree if you can support your dh and go with him, that would be the best thing. If your parents can't look after the kids and you don't feel comfortable with the situation then he will have to go on his own. he wouldn't be the first person to have to face up to a difficult and upsetting situation with regard to a parent and you could always make sure you give him time and care and a sympathetic ear when he gets back.

sss - yes I know dh is uncomfortable about seeing her, he's lived with her through previous bouts of the illness so he knows more about handling her than I do. I've no one to leave the children with or would have suggested I go with him without the children.

Firefly - sorry if I offended you, I meant wierdness from my daughters point to view. I know its an illness and I know she can't help how she is but at the end of the day my priority is protecting the children. I have read up on the disorder extensively and I was the one who suggested she sought help, when my dh and fil were ignoring it. At the moment her medication is a bit hit or miss hence my concern of her being discharged. I have no choice but to take the children with me or me not going at all. I don't want this to adversely affect her but neither do I want to expose the children to her moodswings.

I don't suppose there is an answer to it, I'll just have to go to support dh and make it clear if there is a problem we won't be seeing her until she is fully stable. Mental illness is hard for everyone to cope with and I am finding my position in the family very difficult too.

mavis, you do not sound as if you and your family are getting much support about this. It is extremely worrying for you, i know. We had a terrible time getting care for my dad, social services were about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I do totally appreciate your concerns. Does your MIL have a CPN? Could you have a chat with her about things, especially her medication, i am on your behalf that she was discharged before this was stabalised.

I hope this sorts itself soon, i do totally understand where you are coming from. I would say if there is a way you can comfortably take your children to see MIL then please do, but only if you feel safe about it. I think the Q you need to answer youself here is, is it a fear of the illness that stops you - i know you've read up on it, but the professionals are miles away from understanding BPD so what chance do us mere mortals stand, ask yourself, if she had cancer and was ill, would you stop the children from seeing her?

lucyellensmum, thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is such a difficult thing. You're right if I think deep down I don't think she would hurt the children (me possibly but not them) although I couldn't be sure. I don't want to keep the grandchildren from her as I know they mean the world to her and we don't see her that often as she lives a long way away. At the same time though her behaviour at times means she is alienating us - why does she do it? I can only put it down to her illness, but I also feel that somewhere along the line she does have to have some responsibility for some of her behaviour. But then I am not a psychiatrist so what do I know. This is why I feel in such a quandary.

thanks too babybore I am trying to support DH but you know how it is men find it difficult to talk about things and I think he has had enough of this to be honest. Now he has his own settled family he doesn't want to upset the applecart so to speak. When he was living with them and younger he did a alot to help his parents under difficult circumstances and it strikes me that now he feels he has had enough of it.

Oh no, you didn't offend me.

I was genuinely asking if you had any books re read up on the disorder... really I was.

I have a good book here on abnormal & clinical psychology & it goes into great detail about bipolar disorder.

lucyellensmum- just got second message, can't type quick enough! Yes I am frightened by her illness, i don't know enough about it or her treatment. My fil doesn't talk much about it either and he is the only one who really knows what it going on. She has people visiting her daily to make sure she takes her medication, but she is up and down as she picks arguments with total strangers and sounds very depressed on the phone sometimes. I don't understand how she can be sectioned for six months after starting a fight and needing to be restrained on the ward and then be discharged one week later. If she had another sort of illness I still wouldn't be that keen on going as her personality is very difficult most of the time (but then I've only known her whiles she's had the condition, albeit mildly until recently). But I will go as she is their grandmother and she has a right to see them. I just want to be sure its the right thing for all of us and I won't know that until I go.

Thanks for the advice it is very much appreciated.

i don't envy you, i've just had a thought though. You say she has a problem with you, (how unusual for a MIL to have a probem with DIL ) is it possible that DH could go along with the children (or maybe take just the older one, or younger if that is easier to cope with, making the excuse that the other is tired or poorly and will take them next time) and for you to be somewhere nearby?

This is such a strain for you and your family, i feel for your DH. I think my mother needs help (i know i do!!! but i AM getting it!) but she will see it as total betrayal if i go to the doctor about her. So its a difficult one, also im an only child so that makes it tough. I can totally understand your DHs feelings of having had enough. I daresay your MIL behaviour is mostly due to her illness (its the same with my mother) but it doesnt make it any easier to cope with when it is directed at you or you have to deal with it. Sometimes i think it would be easier if we could just move away, but how could i do that??

Soooo true, to be honest my MIL has been struggling for a while and now its come to a head I just hope the support she needs she will get, and this will give her a chance to put a lot of things right and be the person we all want her to be and know deep down she can be, ie caring, loving and above all happy.

I really hope you get the help you need for your mum. Sometimes things need to come to a head before you are able to get the help you both need. I do worry about the care my MIL is getting, mental health care can be a bit hit or miss from what I can gather. But at least she is getting help of some sort.

Thanks again, I'll let you know how it goes, but must dash now as I've just seen the time.

PS Firefly I checked out NHS direct and there were links to various other websites. They gave me an understanding of the disorger but obviously not in relation to my MIL's particular level of condition. As far as I am aware she is currently on anit psychotic drugs used in schizoprenia but is not yet stable enough for lithium. What book are you referring to?

It's called Abnormal Psychology by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. 4th Edition. McGraw & Hill.