To ask if you think I'm an absolutely crap mum

[crapmumalertttttttt]

Just that, really. I feel like I'm failing my son.

I was diagnosed with PND recently, after having been feeling rubbish for the past seven months since my son was born. I look back and feel guilty for first couple of months where I was pretty much in bed on lots of medication, feeling empty and numb and just wanting to cry. I should have just manned up and dealt with it and been in mum mode.

Without this being a boast, because it's not, I earn a considerable amount more than my partner. He actually didn't move in with me until March, and was living at his parents. So this is a house I was renting on my own for months beforehand (I moved last November). I went back to work around eight weeks after having my baby, because I pay the rent and the bills. My partner does contribute around £100 - £300 a month, though. I'm fine with this.

I'm feeling so guilty because I feel like a workaholic and a bad mum. Because of the pressure on me, it's like I'm always working. A part of me even secretly likes this because my work has always been a huge part of my identity. It makes me feel like I'm still 'me'. But my partner has been off work due to his mental health for the past five weeks, and he will be for at least another two. This is something that I supported him in as I care so much about his wellbeing. I was the one who called the GP and talked to him about seeking help and told him I will always support him.

But because he has been off of work I have been working a lot more, while he has been doing most of the childcare. The nappy changes, the feeds, playing with him, the night feeds (which is so great).. and I'm just working. I feel so crap about it.

I love my baby to bits, but I know I'm not spending enough time with him. I am the one who cuddles him to sleep, sings to him, reads to him. Who takes him on days out, who clothes him, who gives him his toys. But since my partner has been home it's like my baby only has one parent.

Last night it hit home as I decided to stop working at 6pm and spent the evening just cuddled with my baby. I'm not doing enough. But there is so much pressure on me to keep a roof over our heads. If I don't work, we wouldn't survive by ourselves because I'm self-employed and work on a commission basis. I feel constantly secretly stressed about it. But as I have bipolar disorder, I've been a bit hypomanic, and have worked even harder.

I don't know. I feel quite disconnected and sometimes even fantasise about life before. And that's a horrible thing to say. I wish I was in full mum mode like new mums are supposed to be. I wish I could just not work and just be a mum 24/7. Because I don't feel like one.

I just feel so guilty and as I write this I'm near tears because it's something I haven't spoken about with anyone.

Thank you for listening...

Of course you're not a crap mum - no one would say a Dad was 'crap' if he was responsibly working hard to provide a home for his DC. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you sound like a loving, caring parent, looking after your DC and your DP.

Never beat yourself up for providing for your child . It’s what good , loving responsible mothers do .
What kind of family life would there be if you didn’t earn ?
Try to enjoy the moments you have with your DS and be kind to yourself.

Of course you're not a crap mum.

PS I was very lucky to be able to stay home when my DD was very young .
I felt guilty for a multitude of things too .. am I doing enough etc
Guilt is a part of motherhood regardless of your circumstances.
We just all want to do our very best .

I’ll let you into a secret. There’s no such thing as “full mum mode”. It’s an Instagram fantasy. You’re now a mum as well as all the other things you used to be: a wage-earner, a partner, maybe a daughter, sister, friend. So don’t beat yourself up. You’re providing, loving and raising your baby, and your partner is pulling his weight too, which sounds great. And look after yourself too- you sound like you’ve been through a lot.

I can't speak for the other pressures, PND and your partner's depression. I can reassure you about the work.
This is something not talked about enough. I am a single parent and above all the housework and everything else the pressure to earn, has to be the worst/hardest thing.
If I lose my job, we will have real problems. And for a lot of jobs it's not just a case of ticking along nicely, I would always try and outperform as much as I can, and trying to secure my place in the company by maybe earning a little less than I'm worth, or writing a blog and makingy name known in the industry.
Fast forward to this year... There have been layoffs and I have been lucky to be kept on. My anxiety has paid off in some respects lol.
Ive also been freelance before and the stress/uncertainty of needing to have work in is also horrendous.
However you are doing the right thing. I know people say that money isn't everything but financial security is. I feel like that side of things isn't valued enough especially on mumsnet. What you are doing, providing a house and food is a huge contribution and you are important in your child's life. Kudos to you. You know for a fact, especially in the UK having more money significantly impacts life outcomes in a way that people don't want to talk about. More than how many times you chanegd a nappy that day.
You're reacting in a responsible way to the real pressures. Please know you are doing the right thing, and it is hard.

Best thing anyone ever told me, if you are worried you aren’t a good mum then you are one.

The bad mums are the ones who don’t actually care about their kids / don’t reflect on how they could have done things better.

As for the guilt I had PND and it took ages to get over the guilt from my first born. I still sometimes have little moments but it does get easier.
I work loads too and need my job but I did reduce my hours to 4.5 days in 4 days

You were ill. You couldn't just 'get on with it', so please be kind to yourself as you wouldn't say this to any of your friends with any kind of illness (I hope!).
Your baby has a parent at home and a great role model who works hard and it sounds like you have quality time with the baby where you can.
It sounds to me like you're doing everything you can

You are not a crap mum, you are working to provide for your child. Do people think men are crap fathers if they work hard to provide? No. You are doing what you need to do to survive. Having said that I do think you need to set boundaries for yourself and get further support for your mental health issues. Have you had counselling? Perhaps try and limit work and carve out some time to dedicate to your child and that will help.

All mothers feel guilt, for working/not working and society doesn't help for judging all of our choices. You are doing great.

You say your partner has been off work because you care about his wellbeing, but what about your? Your wellbeing has obviously taken a beaten too, but you're having to work even more.

OP,
You sound incredible.
I honestly can't imagine how you are still standing carrying such an enormous load.

You are looking after everyone and everything, but who is looking after you?

You sound like an extremely loving mum.
I think you need to cut yourself some slack.
You are being far too hard on yourself and that is not kind.

You are being so loving and kind to your partner and you really need to save some kindness for yourself.

Be careful of burnout.

You're being so tough on yourself OP. You just have a lot on your plate. As pp said, that youre worrying about not being a good mum in itself makes you one. You care.

I am also self employed and the breadwinner. I am lucky in that my DH lives with us and earns well but we still really need me to be working. I had a shorter maternity than most and had to cover the costs of that myself as you wouldve. Being a good mum includes making sure your child is provided for so rather than feeling bad about work try and see it that way. So too that you enjoy working so that will make you feel more you and thus a better mum.

You may want to consider counselling if you're struggling and need someone to offload to. Dumping all of your negative thoughts in a session can really help