Different opinions about baby care

[firsttimemumlou]

How do you deal with conflicting views about parenting with your partner (if you have them)

Example... my partner is constantly leaving the babies bedroom door open and opening our bedroom door for ‘ventilation’ at night - the baby still sleeps in our room because he is under 6months. (the hallways is cold and drafty and there is an external door in the hallway)
I have asked him multiple times to not do this as it created a draft and makes the room cold. I have a groegg and keep an eye on this.
He says I’m ‘trying to convince him that babies are fragile’ and he ‘doesn’t want to hear about SIDS’ he is less than 4 months old.
He says that I have too many ‘rules’ and there are to many things that need to be done for the baby and that white noise and a sleeping bag at bedtime is too complex and too much to remember and that a bath as part of his bedtime routine takes too long so he won’t be having one every night.
Am i being controlling or unreasonable or is he?

If that is ‘complex’ he might not have the mental acuity required to raise a child.

We only do a bath every other night and no white noise. A sleeping bag however is a must especially in a cold room. On the groegg is the colour blue in your room? Or is it green?

I think you are.
A circulation of air isnt a bad thing
A sleeping bag isn't necessary but I find them helpful and easier.
A baby doesn't have to bath every night
White noise isn't needed for everybaby mine have all liked quiet but known others who doesn't

A baby isn't a text book. You can try your own ways and try them together

A warm baby (in a grobag) in a cool (well ventilated) room is a good thing. Mine has never had white noise and she baths or showers as and when instead of as part of a routine. DH and I do things differently and respect each other when it comes to how we care for DD.

Are you in there with her when she’s sleeping? At 4 months she should have all naps and sleep in the same room as you, not being left in your room when you’re elsewhere.

He should care about SIDS and other risks to your child and he reality shouldn’t find things like night clothes complicated, that’s very weird. But you could chill out a bit about things like leaving your door open and you shouldn’t be leaving her when she’s sleeping anyway.

I think it is 50/50 really. You are being a bit PFB. Both of my DC's doors are closed at night, because it is recommended by the fire service to keep doors shut. Personally we do bath time every other night because my DC both get eczema if we bath more often than that, but it's not a bad thing to have as part of a routine, same with the white noise and grow bags are fantastic. It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be bothered and wants to have an easy life, he will be in for a big shock when you baby is older.

Hmmm I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable for having your own opinions and preferences but ultimately it boils down to what suits your particular baby

My DC1 loved a gro bag and a dummy and loved being “shushed” (I used to use a youtube 10 hour video of it )

My DC2 hates gro bags with a passion, has never taken a dummy and likes white noise and not to be “shushed”

Both of them are very warm kids and so we keep the house fairly cool - but I feel the cold so
Much that I need full pjs and a blanket on my duvet.

Essentially what I’m saying is - what works for your baby? If he is cold to the touch (on chest or back) then the room is too cold end of and your partner should not be arguing with that. The gro egg is a good indicator.

A bath isn’t needed every night but if you find baby sleeps better when he’s had one then why would DH have an issue with it? Unless he doesn’t want to do all the extras?

Is that what it boils down to? He can’t be arsed and therefore is making you seem overbearing and OTT?

SIDS is real and he needs to pay attention to the safe sleeping info.

So, if I were you I’d decide that yeah we can compromise on the things which don’t seem to make a difference either way but I wouldn’t be comprising on safe sleeping guidance or anything which enabled baby to sleep better. Unless he was willing to do the extra night wakes

Hi everyone, as I said in my original post, baby sleeps in the room with someone at all times, I am aware of the guidelines on this.
I think his issues come from a place of not being bothered to do things and just not liking that I have a way of doing things. The baby sleeps better in a sleeping bag and with white noise. Never used them at first and I was at breaking point with exhaustion and a baby that never slept until I tried different things.
I understand what you mean about the bath, his issue isn’t that he doesn't think a daily bath is necessary (I know it’s not needed just a preference) but that the bath takes too long as part of a bedtime routine (he doesn’t have to be involved and the baby absolutely loves it and sleeps better afterwards)
It’s like he’s just point scoring and arguing about things for no reason, it’s hardly hard work to put the baby in a sleeping bag and turn on a machine in the odd time you put him down?
It’s me who has the baby all day every day and he often isn’t around for bedtime or just for the end. But when he is he complains about it and says he doesn’t want the baby in his sleeping bag as he wants him to sleep on his chest sometimes

On his chest? As he what sleeps? (Your DH) or what? I think it's nice to have a have a cuddle which he can do on the weekend during a day time nap....

think that if you are largely doing bedtime, and you find certain things help the baby sleep, it's really up to you so long as he isn't thinking you are doing something unsafe, in which case you would need to discuss it.

Do you think maybe he wants to spend more time with you, and that's his real issue? Or is he hot/hates white noise? I can't sleep with white noise around. Is he a person who struggles with change generally?

If he likes to cuddle the baby sometimes, that's a good thing really.

I'm not sure where people get the idea that you can't leave a baby to sleep alone in a room at all. The recommendation is that the baby sleep in the parents room, not that a someone has to be there anytime the baby is sleeping! The would be incredibly problematic for almost everyone, nap time or early in the evening when baby is asleep is the best time to do things like have a bath or talk together or a heck of a lot of other things new parents struggle to have time for.

He sounds petulant and immature. What would he rather be spending his time on if not the baby?

@goosefoot
**I'm not sure where people get the idea that you can't leave a baby to sleep alone in a room at all. The recommendation is that the baby sleep in the parents room, not that a someone has to be there anytime the baby is sleeping

You do have to be in same room for all sleeps even in daytime and evening.

"Place your baby to sleep in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as you for the first 6 months, even during the day."

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/

I think this sounds like it comes from a place of you wanting things your way and him not necessarily being on board with that.

I don’t see how having fresh air in the room is a bad thing.

[quote tealcheese]****@goosefoot**
**I'm not sure where people get the idea that you can't leave a baby to sleep alone in a room at all. The recommendation is that the baby sleep in the parents room, not that a someone has to be there anytime the baby is sleeping

You do have to be in same room for all sleeps even in daytime and evening.

"Place your baby to sleep in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as you for the first 6 months, even during the day."

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/[/quote]
I know this is the guidelines but I’ll be honest, from four months my baby napped in his proper crib in his own room, during the day. He’s a good sleeper and transitioned to his own room at five months beautifully. I used my common sense with things. I think you can drive yourself to madness if you fret about everything.

@firsttimemumlou do you mean he wants his baby to sleep on his, your DH’s chest? Or on the baby’s chest, as in in his front?

I was really strict with sleep and crying because I wanted a baby that would sleep well. If he’s grizzly or moaning because he’s tired while we’re out say, my H would go to pick him up out of his pram and give him a cuddle. Same if he’s crying before falling asleep, he’d want to lift him out of the crib. I wouldn’t let him because I didn’t want him to learn that grizzling would get daddy cuddles and he could fall asleep there instead of in bed. Sounds mean (he doesn’t want for affection when he’s awake) but it has meant he’s a bloody good sleeper and has been since nine weeks.

I also used dummies early on and white noise but I phased them out. I do believe that routine (to a degree) can help solidify good habits and with that in mind, it’s not helpful if your H wants to undermine that.

[quote tealcheese]****@goosefoot**
**I'm not sure where people get the idea that you can't leave a baby to sleep alone in a room at all. The recommendation is that the baby sleep in the parents room, not that a someone has to be there anytime the baby is sleeping

You do have to be in same room for all sleeps even in daytime and evening.

"Place your baby to sleep in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as you for the first 6 months, even during the day."

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/[/quote]
I think what they are suggesting here is that you keep the baby where you are - ie, nap him in say, the living room in a basket if you are there.

However, this is basically shit advice and isn't backed up by any particular research. There's some reason to think it's better, overall, if baby can sleep at night in the same room as parents, though even that will not always work in every situation.

It's certainly possible to some extent to use a basket to keep the baby near you to nap in sometimes, and it can be an easy way to keep an eye on them, but it's not practical in many cases when you are moving around in the house much, in a bathroom, in a space where there is noice or other unsafe things for a baby.

This kind of awful advice is IMO one of the reasons we have so many mental health issues now with young mothers who are completely worn down because they can't even let their baby sleep in a safe place in the same house while they take care of their own needs, do housework, talk to friends, or all of the other normal things mothers need to do. It also drives anxiety and bad sleep patterns in babies as they tend to get noticed and often picked up even when they are having just a slightly disturbed sleep.

It's so culture specific too. Many countries with perfectly good infant health do not tell mothers anything like this, and the reason is it's not justified by the research. For that matter in some countries it's still quite common, and considered very healthy, for babies to sleep outside in a pram, even in winter.

@goosefoot Yes, keeping baby with you for all naps/sleep is exactly what the guidance says.

You said you didn't know why people think baby needs to be in same room as parents for sleep. I showed you one such source of information. Those are the Brtish Guidelines and there may well be different guidence is different countries. Obviously it's up to the parent's how closely they want to follow the guidance.