To say something that I know will get back to SiL?

[Twizbe]

I'm not sure if this is an AIBU but let's see.

I'll try not to drip feed while keeping this brief.

Later tonight I'm having a virtual wine with my best friend from uni. She is a great girl but bless her, can't keep a secret.

During lockdown 1 she became close to my SiL (DH's sister) they were bridesmaids together for me so have known each other a while.

I'll be first to admit I've been a bad friend this year. I got covid at the start of the last lockdown and it's taken until now to get back to normal. This lockdown I'm making more of an effort to keep in touch with friends etc.

Anyway, tonight is the first time I've properly spoken to this friend since I got sick (we've texted etc but finding time / energy for a full on video call hasn't happened)

Over the year SiL has become more and more selfish and has done a lot to really upset her brother and me. At the moment we are avoiding her as we know it's a tinderbox about to explode. We have everything crossed we don't have to see her at Christmas. He is so angry at her but doesn't want to start a fight at the moment.

I know friend will ask me about SiL tonight and I will try to avoid the topic... but ...

Would it be totally unreasonable to vent to my friend about how awful SiL has been knowing full well it will get back to SiL?

Well, yrah.
It's not really about it getting to sil, it's about putting your friend into uncomfortable position in the middle. Just find someone else to vent to

I wouldn't say anything, I don't think it's fair get your friend involved, you know she's a gossip, don't fuel
It will come to a head eventually

If it's a tinderbox about to explode, why would you light it, especially as your DH doesn't want to start a fight at the moment?

Either you're trying to avoid 'setting off the tinderbox' or you tell your friend and allow it to go off with an extra bang for talking behind her back. The latter may piss your husband and the rest of his family off as well.

Vent to your friend if you feel it will help, but honestly it just looks like you're trying to turn her against SiL because you've had an argument with her. Your friend may also take SiL side, and that will be a whole new awkward.

I so avoided that it feels like "shitstirring" a bit in the girst post, to not set the mood into that way😂
I see I am not the only one thinking it.

You're all right and just to be clear I won't say anything as it's not fair to my friend and this will blow up on its own.

There is just a part of me that is getting sick of pretending that SiL isn't a bitch lol

I won't say anything though. I won't. I don't drink so at least I know there is no risk of it drunkenly coming out lol

Will your friend really run back to your SIL and tell her you're being mean about her? Are they very young?

If she would, you're going to have to be the grown up in the situation and avoid the subject.

If your husband doesn't want to start a fight, and she's his sister, why would you mess with that resolution?

And I must say, for god's sake, own your own grudges and confrontations. If you and your DH have an issue with his sister, and want to air your grievances, at least do it yourselves, not in a juvenile teenage way by complaining to someone so indiscreet she will leak it back to your actual target indirectly. That's not adult behaviour.

But if your husband wants not to stir the pot, then either take that up with him, or keep schtum.

Also, if I were your indiscreet friend, I'd be feeling pretty instrumentalised in all this.

You don’t sound very pleasant. It’s one thing to accidentally let something slip, but to have a virtual get together with someone and dressing it up as an “I’ve missed you, it’s been so long” but really it’s just a calculated move to set off a bad spark with your SIL whilst you can sit back and act the innocent is completely nasty. YABVU.

I think you could probably mention something without venting

You should tell us instead

Also, OP, it's not that I don't understand you're angry and would like to vent, but are you saying that even if you said to your friend 'I'm venting to you because DH doesn't want to cause a family rift and I need to let off steam, but please, promise me you will never breathe a word of this to my SIL', that your friend would still trot off to your SIL and tell her everything?

Because that sounds less like a 'great girl' than someone untrustworthy and gossippy.

Is your SIL likely to discuss the issues with your friend? If so, then all the more reason not to involve her by mentioning it as she'll end up feeling like she has to pick sides.

If your friend does mention that your SIL has told her about the issues between you, dh and SIL then anything you say should be kept vague and neutral.

@DickBastardly

You don’t sound very pleasant. It’s one thing to accidentally let something slip, but to have a virtual get together with someone and dressing it up as an “I’ve missed you, it’s been so long” but really it’s just a calculated move to set off a bad spark with your SIL whilst you can sit back and act the innocent is completely nasty. YABVU.

Oh no, don't get me wrong. That's not the reason for this catch up. I really want to speak to her and find out how she is doing. I was supposed to go visit her this year but due to covid I've not been able to. The SiL situation is just something else that is going on. I've not said anything in our emails / texts etc it's easy to avoid the subject in written comma

@TuesdaysWell I've known my friend for almost 20 years, real serious private things she has kept to herself (as far as I know). She has in the past passed onto me other people's gossips.

Really I don't want this to get back to SiL so I don't want to risk it.

@ArmIssues I don't know if SiL has mentioned the situation to her already. I'm not entirely sure she even knows there is a situation....

I think she knows I was upset with her about one thing, but I don't think she knows how bad it is or that her brother is really upset with her.

@DimidDavilby

You should tell us instead

It would fill a book lol

Don't do it.

Say you've been out of touch with everyone, because of you being ill and the whole covid situation.

Don't hint or vent to your friend as that would put her in an awkward position.
And probably spoil your virtual visit, also.

Yes - don’t put your friend in an awkward position by airing a dispute which is nothing to do with her.

I would not say a thing. As you said they have become close, and you know people flip flop like the wind. She might be your friend of 20years, but could have become best friends with your sil.
To avoid drama, say nothing.

You could just say “things are not good with sil” or something along those lines as you’re not really telling your friend anything other than you’re not on good terms .
I absolutely hate it when family members are afraid to upset the apple cart and then just seethe for months rather than just co front them . My dh is the same , he’s very much ‘anything for a quiet life’
That’s why people always get away with their shitty behaviour!

What has your sil done?

I don’t think you should be be getting involved in your husbands relationship with his sister (off the back of not knowing what’s gone on).

Why would you want to piss off your sister in law which in turn causes more issues for your husband?

@Onadifferentuniverse

What has your sil done?

I don’t think you should be be getting involved in your husbands relationship with his sister (off the back of not knowing what’s gone on).

It's lots of little things that have added up over time.

The basic themes are;

Being very selfish and expecting us all to revolve our lives around her

Being very irresponsible and expecting us to clean up the mess (and then complaining about not being treated like an adult)

Ignoring our children

The first two annoy us both, the last one really upsets husband. They used to be very close and he's taken it very hard that she ignores his kids. Before we had the kids it wasn't unreasonable for him to think she'd be an interested aunt and she hasn't been.

It doesn't upset me though. I don't think anyone has to be interested in my children. It hurts that she forgot their birthdays and was rude at their birthday lunch, but ultimately she doesn't have to be an aunt.