To think I should just stay out of it?

[allthesharks]

Through my partner we are part of a group of friends. We recently found out that person A (male) had been sending person B (female) inappropriate messages. Person A is married and his wife was part of the friendship group. Person B cut off the friendship and explained to the rest of us why. We are all in agreement that Person A is in the wrong and we all want nothing more to do with him. But the dilemma is, do we tell his wife? She is a member of the group by extension, he was the friend first but everyone has welcomed her into the group.

A big part of me thinks that she should know. Apparently he has been sending similar messages to multiple women. But everything I know is second hand and its not down to me to tell her. But on the other hand, my husband cheated on me and others knew and they didn't tell me.

I should just stay out of it, shouldn't I?

Stay out of it for your own dignity and sanity.

Nothing more is going to come of interaction with Person B. So that information is out of date and anything else would be speculating.

Why doesnt Person B screen shot the messages and send them to her? Surely if anyone should it should be her as she has the proof. I would want to know, but I do realise a lot of people shoot the messenger so it is a tough one

Person B has recently been through an awful time herself, which Person A is aware of and makes his actions all the worse. But as a result, Person B doesn't want/can't handle the drama and just wants to draw a line under it and move on.

Yes absolutely stay out of it directly, but perhaps encourage your friend to let the creep's wife know what he's been up to.

Yes, you should stay out of it, especially as everything you know is second hand.

She'll find out eventually.

I worry that his wife will get pregnant/have his baby and then find out when it's much more complicated.

Stay well out of it. Your information is all second-hand - plus, the wife is bound to notice there are issues in the friendship group, so will surely start asking questions of her own.

Everyone says stay out of it but I would tell her as I wouldn't be losing him as a friend - I already don't want to be - and I'm one of those people that has a strong sense of justice. I just couldn't have the poor woman not know. I would try and think of a way to say discreetly though

Tell her very unfair not to.

Tell her that that’s why B left the group but that you are not speculating on whether it’s actually true or not.

Definitely tell her! She could waste the best years of her life with this man only to find out years down the line. While she has no children with him now, she might thank her lucky stars to meet a new, decent man in the future

Stay out of it

The trouble with getting involved which I've seen first hand is the messenger often gets blamed. Plus how do you know she doesn't know?

@LouiseTrees

Tell her that that’s why B left the group but that you are not speculating on whether it’s actually true or not.

^^ great idea

While I get the stay out of it, the truth is he sounds predatory since he seems to increase his pestering etc when your friend was going through a hard time.

Personally I'd have friend screen shot and tell the wife as she is also a friend. It's then up to her what she does.

I have a friend where everyone just stayed away from the hubs, turns out he had a whole other family which came out when my friend got breast cancer. I wasn't part of that friendship group as I didn't know those friends, but honestly it came out at a far worse time for my friend and she always felt that while he was fully responsible for his actions, her friends should have said something.

I also like the idea of telling friend it's why friend B left the group.

I’d want to know if it was my husband sending these messages.

Tell her.