AIBU - Mini break away with new partner - childcare?

[Rach22012]

Good evening,
Please let me know what you think:
I have mentioned (in text) to my Mum that I might like to book a 2/3 day break away with my partner (together 1 year) sometime next year.
My Mum responded by asking who is going to look after my 5 year old. I replied that her Dad (who she stays with two nights a week - ex and I don't get on (maybe this explains my Mum's reaction)) could or that my daughter could stop over at my Mums. I was simply mentioning the prospect of going away, rather than considering the logistics which I would have done at a later date if I had decided to go on a mini break.

My Mum's tone completely changed in the texts and said my daughter comes first, not my new partner. I completely agree with this, my daughter is at the forefront of everything that I do.
I was simply just discussing the possibility of having a mini break. I haven't been on any kind of break or holiday for over 5 years.

I know that life changes when you become a parent, but is it unreasonable of me to even consider having a 2 or 3 day break away? Especially as my daughter can stay at her Dads. My parents have never been interested in having trips away or holidays and I feel they think I am strange for 'wanting time away from my daughter' which isn't the case at all, I would just like a relaxing weekend away and feel my confident daughter would be absolutely fine for such a short time away from me.

Thankyou for reading, please let me know your thoughts.

No you are not honestly - I was a single mum for 6 years, I never went anywhere !!!
In August I went away for a few days and it was great 🤣 I love my DC but it was very needed !

Not strange at all! Does your mum expect you to just sit at home awaiting your daughter’s return when she’s at her dads? You can use those days how you like!

I think it is normal, healthy and entirely appropriate for you to have a break without your daughter! Your mum sounds bonkers. Unless there is a back story we don't know about (some type of concern about your new partner perhaps, and I'm clutching at straws here), then your mum is being ridiculous. I would not mention it to her again, get on with researching and booking a lovely break for a time your daughter is with her dad. Enjoy the researching and your time away, and don't give your mum a second thought!

I think the U bit easier was dropping into conversation your daughter could stay with your mum rather than asking if she would be able to help if you did want to go away.

You are entitled to a break but it doesn’t sound like your mum wanted to do the childcare but as it won’t be her doing it it’s a non issue

Nope defo yanbu. Does your mum not help at all or give you a break or have her grandchild? I understand some grandparents don't but if she doesn't like your daughter going to your ex she can always step in & help. If perfectly normal to want a break!

She's being ridiculous. I hope you manage to get away for a weekend with your partner.

Thankyou so much for your replies, I really appreciate it.

My eyes have filled up with tears reading that I wasn't being unreasonable! Thankyou.

My parents are great with my daughter and they do help out a lot. The suggestion of maybe my daughter going to my parents was actually to ease my Mum about the suggestion that my daughter could go to her Dads. My ex and I don't get on and he has made my life incredibly difficult since I separated from him over 4 years ago, but we have a routine sorted and my daughter seems happy when she stays at her Dads.

It would be so nice to have just 2 or 3 days away and I feel really shot down by my Mum at even thinking of the prospect of it!

x

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Why on earth wouldn't you go away when your little one is at her dad's? That's one of the perks of being a single parent surely?

Sorry, I should add that my daughter stays at her Dads two separate nights a week, so going away would mean she would stay for 3 consecutive nights at his.

I think Mum is worried that this might start my ex then asking to go away on holiday with him ..... which is inevitable now she is getting older and hopefully covid restrictions ease next year etc

My daughter stays one night a week at her Dads and then comes back to my house, she has only ever stayed two consecutive nights with her Dad once in her life.

I am guessing (although I don't agree with my Mum) that the issue is that I will be asking my daughter's Dad to have her three overnights in a row .... I think Mum is worried that daughter's Dad might then ask for more overnight stays after this.

I don't think it's fair to jump from one night to three, I would want a couple of two night stays at her dads prior and possibly a three night stay before you go away too.

If she's 5 and never spent more tax 1 night away from you I think you need to get her used to it.

Nothing wrong with going away though!

You and ex don't get on, but it seems that he is a good parent? In which case, what would be the problem if he asked for more overnight stays or to take your daughter on holiday? Don't worry OP, your mum is being unreasonable. I've been on short breaks with DH without OUR kids. This is normal.

If your DDs dad wanted to take her away for a long weekend at the seaside, or something, would that be a problem because he'd never had her more than one night?

Your mum needs to get a grip. You and your partner should start looking for little breaks to go on, while DD is with hrr dad. Thats good for all of you.

No that wouldn't be a problem for me at all, I would be happy thay my daughter was experiencing trips away with her Dad, and I would like to do the same and start having holidays away now she is older, as in the past I never felt confident going away as a single parent just me and a young child but would love for weekends away just me and my daughter.

Same with a weekend away with my partner, it would be lovely.

I don't think YABU, but I think you need to be prepared for your mum to refuse to babysit if Ex is unable/unwilling to have DD for 3 nights. Also think about whether Ex will be likely to refuse to help, if he thinks you are going away with your new partner.
In an ideal world, maybe Ex could have DD for 2 nights and then deliver her to your mum's who could have her for one night, if you think DD would be more comfortable with that arrangement. And if both Ex and mum would cooperate!

I would start encouraging stays of 2 nights now. It sounds like that is absolutely in your daughters best interest, as it seems she likes being with her dad, and you have no concerns about his ability to care for her safely, regardless of your differences. It's unfair to do anything else, I would say. Your daughter has two parents who love her and she should definitely benefit from that. It is also massively in your best interests to have a couple of nights to yourself.

I would be cautious about giving your ex and early heads up that you are planning on a few nights away if things are difficult between you both. From experience, exes in this situation have a tendency to sabotage it in some way!

Not unreasonable at all - do it! When I met my new partner after a year in we started having a week's holiday alone together every year. My daughter spent that extra time at her dad's. That didn't mean he started to demand extra contact all the time, he just appreciated the time he had with her.

You need to make sure your daughter is ok staying 2 or 3 nights in a row with her dad being as she’s only ever stayed 1 night before. If she starts doing it regularly, then you can do what you want for those days and it won’t matter what your mum thinks.
Why has she only stayed 1 night at a time up until now though? If there are reasons for this, then are these reasons still valid?

Your Mum is being very judgey.

You are looking to have a long weekend with your Dp, not a ‘break from your child’.
Loads of two-parent families leave the kids with grandparents or aunts / uncles and have a grown ups mini break.

Frustrating as it looks like your Mum would not have your Dd. Not because she doesn’t want to do the childcare but because she is being judgey about your break.

Would your ex be obstructive too, and refuse or let you down at the last minute if he got wind that you were going away?

Does your Mum disapprove of your Dp?

YANBU, I was divorced by the time DS was 10 months old and I've had plenty of weekends away while he's been at his dad's.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

Your Mum is being very judgey.

You are looking to have a long weekend with your Dp, not a ‘break from your child’.
Loads of two-parent families leave the kids with grandparents or aunts / uncles and have a grown ups mini break.

Frustrating as it looks like your Mum would not have your Dd. Not because she doesn’t want to do the childcare but because she is being judgey about your break.

Would your ex be obstructive too, and refuse or let you down at the last minute if he got wind that you were going away?

Does your Mum disapprove of your Dp?

Thankyou, I think you are completely right in your comments.

My parents never go away so they don't understand the need for just a grown ups weekend off! We all need to recharge and enjoy different relationships.

My parents like my DP, he is a lovely person so no issues there. I think my Mum thinks I should be with my daughter every single day if possible!

Good points about my ex. He could be awkward, simply not respond about him having our daughter or could change plans at the last minute. It could always happen though so I would never be able to have a mini break away otherwise 😂