To feel judged

[Rosebel]

Yesterday my daughter comes home from school and told me all about a teacher who told said my daughter is entitled to student allowance (never heard of it). I thought it was pupil premium but it doesn't sound the same. They give vouchers towards school clothes and shoes.
The teacher then asked about her home life, where she sleeps (where the hell does she thinks she sleeps), space to do homework, if it's noisy at home.
Firstly we are not well off but can afford to buy clothes for my children and they always turn up in clean uniform.
Secondly though the questions she asked make me think they are worried about my children and how I'm treating them. Why else would she ask those questions.
Never had any police or social services involved but now I'm going out of my mind with worry. Do they think we're abusive parents or something? Or is it normal? Are they judging me for something? Anyone heard of student allowance?
My daughter is 14 if that matters. I will admit we don't have the best relationship with the school because they don't support my SEN chil6(12) and allowed her to be bullied for months. Don't know if that's relevant or not.
I don't want to sound like I'm having a go at the school but I do feel really judged but wonder if I'm overreacting because I'm tired and battling post natal depression (5 months old not sleeping).

I can see why you feel a bit judged but they’re offering help. For some families this would make a huge difference. If that’s not the case for you then fine.

where the hell does she thinks she sleeps
There are SO many different answers to this. Eg:
In her own room, part time at one home (in eg her own room) part at another (in eg her baby step sisters room), in a shared room, in with you, on the sofa, etc etc.

They generally ask about sleeping and home noise to gauge how well your DC can study/do homework/get enough sleep for school.

You say yourself you have a 5month old who’s not sleeping. So if your DC was sharing a room with the baby you can see that their sleep would be disturbed too.

It's as simple as "thank you but no thank you, and for future reference please discuss such matters directly with me please".
I think schools are between a rock and a hard place right now, some are entirely ignorant that many are struggling and giving out detentions for incorrect sports kit and such like, and others are going the way yours has.
I would be very calm and polite about it or that can send alarm bells ringing.

I am aware that some teachers are going the extra mile to make sure pupils are provided and cared for outside of school due to the Covid situation and with people losing jobs etc. It may have just been a check that all kids are receiving any help that they’re entitled to and are asking all kids the same sort of thing?

It’s possible that they are checking in with many students just to see how they’re getting on. They know that things are stressful for a lot of families at the moment with financial insecurity or the economy and a lot of people working from home who may not normally, it might be more of a general check in rather than a personal concern.

I think you're overreacting OP. The school has a duty of care to pupils and those sound like pretty innocuous questions tbh, particularly when you admit that you have a baby in the house who isn't sleeping.

Does the baby keep your DD awake? Is your DD tired? Has she struggled to keep up with homework or get back into the swing of school since she went back in Sept? You say you feel the school is failing one of your other DC, so have your interactions with the school been ill-tempered or angry?

When schools do fail pupils and don't ask a few questions when they should the general public is quick to point the finger and say 'Why didn't the teacher say something?' If all is well in your home and you don't need any support, just say 'We're fine, thanks for asking'.

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I would be furious if these insinuating remarks were made to any of my children. Should not be burdening or talking to a 14 year old child about free financial support they are entitled to without involving their parents or guardians, IMO. I suppose the only downside is if a parent or guardian doesn’t care or is too proud to take it up meaning the child suffers. Still, I can understand why you are angry. I would be too.

@Soundbyte I agree with you. Well meant I think if perhaps clumsy?

I can see you feel judged but I don’t think tHt was it’s intentions.

I don't think they're judging, just checking whether your daughter might need any extra support. If there's a clothing grant you might be entitled to, they're not saying "your uniform's not up to scratch", they're saying that the grant is there and then you'd have more money for other things. If they might find they have to send year groups home due to covid, they may be trying to work out whether there are pupils who don't have anywhere quiet to work at home. If they close a year group, it might be possible for a small number of pupils (who haven't been in direct contact with the positive cases) to continue attending if they don't have somewhere quiet to work at home. Even if they're not having to send pupils home, they may be trying to work out whether they should be making space available after school for those who need somewhere to do their homework - that's something that may have been temporarily stopped because of covid.
Asking about sleep might just be because they've noticed her yawning a lot - and nobody is going to hold you responsible if the baby is waking her. Unfortunately there's probably nothing that anyone can do about that one - but at least if they know that's the problem, they will understand.

Try to relax and see it as them trying to make sure they've offered all the support they can.

If you're going to contact them, it should probably be along the lines of "DD said there was a uniform grant we might be eligible for. Have you got more information?" Don't be too proud to take it if you're eligible - use it to by the next size up in uniform and the money saved will be there for something else.

I don’t think you are overreacting, no. For a school to ask these questions they either do think your children are likely to be missing out on some essentials OR they are asking all the children. I’d get in touch and ask.

I think you’re being over sensitive.

They’re only trying to help her. You don’t know what she’s like at school, maybe she’s struggling with certain subjects or seems like she’s feeling down. Maybe she has confided the things that are on her mind, which she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you.

I mean you do say you have a 5 month old that doesn’t sleep? It’s obviously impacting you. Why don’t you think that would impact your 14 year old? And maybe she doesn’t want to raise this as an issue with you to protect your feelings?

When you say she has clean uniform etc, the issue could be how many items of each does she have? Does she have winter appropriate clothing? Are you 100% sure her shoes are okay and without holes etc?

When I was at school/sixth form (left in 2015) I remember people in my year getting a bursary. I think they their household had a low income. They didn’t necessarily use the money for school clothes, they used it however they liked as it was paid into their bank accounts. I’m guessing this is a similar scheme but with vouchers instead.

My ds gets £80 a month bursary in sixth form because he qualifies for free school meals, could it be something like that or some councils give uniform grants to lower earning families. I would ring & speak to the teacher & ask them to speak to you, not your child. Tell them that your child is stressed about being questioned. They may be considering referring you to mast for extra support, unless you ask you won't really know what they are asking for.

From your OP, I gather that you have DD14 and another DD with SEN. You also have a 5mo. How many more children do you have? Do they have a bedroom each or do they share?

It's blatantly obvious that a screaming baby is going to interrupt the sleep of the whole household so it's really no surprise if she's not getting enough sleep. I suspect the teacher is asking these questions out of concern for your DDs education, not as a reflection on you.

I have three children, just a big age gap between my middle and youngest children. My two eldest share a room which was their choice and my son has his own room but at the moment I sleep (rarely) downstairs with him in his Moses basket so my daughter's and husband can sleep.
I suppose it just felt like an attack, especially as nothing was mentioned. I'll give them a quick call tomorrow and just clarify what was said. I'm sure my daughter said something about them knowing we were on a low income and that's why they talked to her but would they know that?
I was in two minds about contacting the school but hopefully it'll put my mind at rest. Don't worry I will be calm as I think going in all guns blazing never works well.

I really can’t see why you would go in all guns blazing. If your family is on a low income, it’s just help. But if your children genuinely have everything they need, just tell the school to direct resources elsewhere.

To be completely frank, I think this should be your daughter’s decision to turn down, not yours. The help is for her after all - are the vouchers something she’s interested in?

@throwaway10000

To be completely frank, I think this should be your daughter’s decision to turn down, not yours. The help is for her after all - are the vouchers something she’s interested in?

Surely only if the DD buys her own uniform? Pays for her own school meals and other expenses?

I'll give them a quick call tomorrow and just clarify what was said.

Perhaps ask them what triggered this? Has your daughter not been concentrating in class and blaming it on being tired? Has she not been doing homework or been doing it poorly? Is there something you should know about so you can help her with it?

Don't see it as a judgement,but more as a check if you're eligible/in need of some scheme you might not be aware of.

TBH , I haven't heard of it, so just ring in to find out more and then decide if it's something you might benefit from or not.

In a similar way, we had children and parents complete a survey about where they do their homework,do they have a dedicated space,access to internet devices(and is that shared or not, who helps them if anyone does,is it noisy etc.

We've got some extra laptops(not many) so if children would have to self isolate we'd pick from the responses who is most in need (for example just one device,like a phone who belongs to a parent) and out of those name ring up/ask more questions to see who would need/want one.

We're not judging the parents,we just want to make sure that they get as much support as we can offer.

@MatildaTheCat the vouchers probably could be used for her food/travel/school expenses. As OP already pays for this now, the vouchers would therefore free up a bit of household money in a low income household. Which could help OP out as it means the money she already spends could be used elsewhere/saved. There’s nothing wrong with accepting a little bit of support. It doesn’t make OP a bad parent.

It can only be a good thing to be honest. I am glad to hear because people are bashing the government all the time.

A friend of mine told me about an article saying that children did not have where to do their homework. She would be glad to hear about you being offered help if you need it. If not decline. It is a good thing.

@throwaway10000 I think we are misunderstanding each other. I 100% think OP should accept any vouchers or help on offer. I just don’t see that it should be her DD’s decision since I imagine she’s not the one having to budget for theses expenses.

Definitely no judgment from me.

They are asking the child as they will get an honest answer about how they are and coping and feel whereas you as the parent would feel judged and could lie. Not you personally but many parents would lie if they felt judged so they are checking if any extra support is needed. Wish my school had done this. They knew I was struggling and just let me stay to do homework. Nothing else was said and my life at home was shit

@MatildaTheCat that’s fair enough, some parents (not necessarily OP) may turn down help out of pride, which is why I think her daughter should have an input

I just don’t see that it should be her DD’s decision since I imagine she’s not the one having to budget for theses expenses.

But she is the one who could be missing out on things that could benefit her education because her parents can't afford them.