Please tell me about your overly jokey friend.

[upsetandang]

My daughter (5) told me off the other day, she said 'mommy why do you always make jokes?'
I thought about it for a bit and its true, I just can't be serious, it makes me uncomfortable, so I turn every thing I say into an awful joke, I'm light, I just can't be serious.

its clearly a problem I didn't realise I had until the other day, but how do I snap out of it?
I'm actually really embarrassed about all of my interactions now. A couple of times a school mum, or an acquaintance has been serious with me and I've made a stupid joke, made my excuses and left.

I know its a bit boring but does anyone have a friend who is the joker who can't be serious? whats it like on the other end? be brutal because I need it apparently
what do you actually think?

I had a (male) friend I couldn't have a serious conversation with - everything was surface level/turned into a joke, even after 6-7 years.

He was also chronically late (not just late but would change plans a million times), which is why I eventually ended the friendship. Although I didn't end it because of his constant jokiness, that aspect did make it easier to end the friendship because he was never someone I relied on emotionally iyswim.

I think it's great you've acknowledged this though, if you feel it's true and not just your kid overreacting. Do you have a partner and if so would they agree with your child's assessment? Do you have close friends you can speak t9 about it?

There is only a problem if you genuinely can't have a serious conversation. Meaning connecting with someone who is going through a hard time. Translates to your dd if she thinks she can't come to you with a problem because she thinks you'll just make a joke out of it. 5yo problems rarely seems big to an adult but they can feel like the end of the earth to the little person experiencing them.

Personally I love hanging out with my jokey friends. They lift my mood, they make me smile and laugh and they make me see some problems in context (of being first world problems for the most part!). The difference is I also know that when it comes down to it I could still have a conversation with them without it turning into a joke if I really needed it to. That's the only difference. So don't lose the laughs, life is definitely too short for that, just know when to tone it down and listen instead.

My dp is a bit like this. It’s difficult because when I am trying to make a serious point he will often make a joke and it can be really frustrating when I need him to take on board what I am saying and in the past have ended up arguing because I have felt unheard.

We have agreed that when he is doing it too much I can say ‘I AM BEING SERIOUS’ (not shouting but firmly) in order to stop him derailing the conversation and recognise when he does it.

If you have a couple of friends/family members you can ask that are willing to try this with you it might help keep you on track.

Do you know what .. I think I'm the same. I think if there's any situation I feel in the slightest bit uncomfortable with (and I suffer with anxiety - so that's most of them!) I will try and make jokes or have some kind of banter to raise a laugh.

I am absolutely capable of having proper conversations though, it's more like something I do when I can't think of anything else to say, so obviously if there's an actual topic up for discussion that takes the issue out.

I'm definitely capable of having a meaningful conversation but emotion makes me really uncomfortable and I'm not very good at comforting people. I do have Aspergers and I tend to deflect my anxiety by being very jokey and self-deprecating. I also find that even when I try to sound sincere, it seems sarcastic!

This meme pretty much sums me up

It means that it feels like you dismiss people’s feelings if they are talking to you about something more serious. It feels like you’re not being listened to and what you’re discussing is made to be trivial. It means people won’t come to you with their problems and that includes your daughter.

My DP used to be like this when the subject made him feel uncomfortable. I actually didn't deal with it well, I am fully putting my hands up and lost my temper and got really cross with him. The trouble was , he didn't mean to be dismissive , he was just panicked and uncomfortable and I felt completely dismissed and that he didn't care about what I had to say.

DP brother takes it to extremes and cannot have a serious conversation (there are MH and ASD diagnoses he is complex) and it has caused quite a few issues because it comes across as if he doesn't value anything anyone says.

Dp dealt with it partly by recognising that it was a coping strategy and figuring out why he felt he needed one in some situations and dealt with the root cause. I also backed off and realised he was intentionally being dismissive.

Have a look at why you do it , if you are not happy with the behaviour have a look at what situations you do it. What is it that you are uncomfortable with and needing to use deflection?

You asked what it's like on the receiving end...

I love humour and I'll happily banter and make jokes when appropriate.

But if I'm trying to share something that means something to me and you make a joke of it, it feels like a rejection.

It feels like I've been brave enough to be vulnerable with you, and you don't recognise or respect the courage that took.

It feels like you're not interested in me, and you're happy to make me feel uncomfortable in order to avoid you feeling uncomfortable.

It feels shameful, and frustrating, and reduces the likelihood of me being open and vulnerable again not just with you, but also with other people, because it confirms that it's too risky.

I think it can be really disrespectful to make a joke out of a serious situation, particularly when someone is telling you why something is worrying or upsetting them. To joke doesn’t make them feel better, it just looks like you’re immature and don’t give a shit.

If you know you’re aware of it then have a strategy for the next time you’re in the situation. Even if it is to nod and say very little then at least you’re not embarrassing yourself or the other person who has opened up to you.