To be extremely upset I’m haven’t been Facebook stalked’?

[BattyWoman]

I have been NC with my immediate and extended family for nearly 10 years. Not my choice, very messy and pretty devastating for me at the time. The majority of them (there are a lot) are on Facebook.

I haven’t used my Facebook account for years but still kept it active in case one of them ever decided to contact me via Messenger. I also used to look at their pages from time to time to see what’s been going on in their lives, some of them had babies, family events etc. I was accused of ‘stalking’ them as I’m assuming I must have come up as a suggestion on the people you may know facility. I never posted on their accounts at all so how could they have known? I just had a need to see them occasionally even if only in photos and also I like to check they’re all still alive, especially my parents.

I actually made an account under a different name, I’m ashamed to say, so I could keep a link with them however distant. I only search them up when I feel upset about it, in the run up to Christmas, Easter, birthdays, etc.

Anyway I removed all my friends from the account with my real name, as I wasn’t using it anymore and didn’t want notifications, and hadn’t logged in for years until recently. I have an usual name (unique) that’s difficult to spell so you wouldn’t find me unless you were looking for me iykwim.

I had a look at the people you may know suggestions and there are quite a few school mums/local acquaintances/people from work. None of these are mutual friends as I don’t have any on there, nor is my location on there so I can only assume that these are people who have searched for me despite Facebook saying that doesn’t happen!

Irrationally I’m pretty devastated that it seems that none of my family members have been interested enough to look me up. It has hit home hard that they probably don’t think of me (or my DC) at all and we have just been completely deleted, despite being very involved in each other’s lives for over 40 years.

AIBU to wonder how people can do this?

As gently as possible, I think you're extrapolating a lot from something that probably isn't the case.

Facebook's algorithms are so complex even the people that work there don't really understand how they work. Facebook even keeps entire "shadow profiles" of people via a variety of things including when people upload their phone numbers, email contacts, photos etc.

What I'm trying to say is you're making a big leap to suggest the "people you know" boxes are only based on searches. They're almost certainly based on a lot more than that and so it doesn't mean your family haven't searched for you, even if you're NC. In fact, it's almost certain they have, you just wouldn't necessarily see it.

The people you may know aren’t people who’ve searched for you. They’re based on stuff like your phone contacts, mutual friends etc. This means nothing, except that you are still very naturally upset by your family’s rejection.

not sure how fb algorithms work op but im sorry you are having a hard time coming to terms with being estranged from your family. Have you had any counselling? Ten years is a long time to still give them so much head space that you are looking them up.

The 'people you might know' most definitely do show people who have been looking you up. It's not just about algorithms.

Also meant to say sorry you are going through this, OP.

@RedRec i believe that is true as i have a rare name and i have people with no contacts who have met me suggested as friends when apart from my name they know nothing else.

Are you happy with your NC status?

Do you want to reach out? If so why now? To who?

From my original 350 contacts back in 2008 - only about 4 people regularly post.

It’s both. I closed down FB a few years back. I recently set one up in a different name because I wanted to follow news / events etc not friends and I didn’t want to have friend requests. The people you know who came up instantly when I set up the account were randoms from my past account and new contacts from mobile and email. Hundreds!!! This was within seconds of setting it up - so they weren’t stalking me. I then deleted the account as I didn’t want these new contacts or previous FB friends seeing this fake name come up and somehow working out it was me and thinking I was stalking them.